WEDNESDAY MORNING

Well yesterday Dave said we need to talk. Which is an unusual thing...since I'm usually the one who says that and then does ALL the talking. So I was a bit hesitant and nervous to talk to him. He said that he had thought a lot and that I was right when I told him he was being a jerk and that I DO deserve more respect than what he has been giving me. That he doesn't think he can handle being away from the boys for any length of time, so he will "do his best" to stay here and not move to Denver. Now if he will just stick to that. He said he missed me too. I asked him on a scale of 1-10 how much he loved Gracie. He said an 8-9. I definitely can't compete with that. I told him that I was just having a hard time losing my best friend. We are going to work on getting along better. It's still hard for me, because he doesn't want me.;( But at least he's going to be around here for the boys for now. I will have to be happy with that. He still wants me to go to Denver in mid-May for the boys' bowling tournament..even though she will be there too. I haven't decided if I can do that or not. I know I'm an adult and all, but I still feel like kicking her ass. Did I forget to mention that Dave kissed me? I don't know what that was about. It was nice and all, but I kept thinking about him with her. Yuck.

Well...I was supposed to bowl yesterday afternoon (on a bowling league). I ended up not going at the last minute. See, I was going to go to Vegas on the 18th...my friend, Chris, sent me $100 towards a ticket. Well I had to wait until this week to get it, because I had to wait for my other money. Well it's still not here. Plus the tickets have now gone up in price. So that pissed me off...that my money wasn't here yet and that the prices went up. PLUS the flight that I could find, leaves Denver at like 6:40am!! There's no way. So I texted Chris and told him that I was sorry, but that I had fucked up and I wouldn't be able to come out. I can't bowl when I'm mad or upset. So I just went and laid down and listened to my ipod for awhile. Chris told me we would figure it out. There is a flight that leaves the evening of the 18th, but it just all depends on when I get my money and if that flight is still available at that time.

THEN mom found out that I was still gambling some..I can't seem to stop. It's embarrassing. So she was upset with me about that even though I'm covering it. She was also upset, because instead of pills, she now has to give herself insulin shots.:( Anyway, moms' friend, J, wants me to start going to some Bible Study group with her on Wednesday and Friday nights. It's pretty much a thing for former addicts...drugs mostly. J is one of those..prescription drugs. Anyway...I don't hink that would be a great idea. Why would I want to know who former drug users are? So I would know who to find if I ever wanted to "score?" Is that what you call it? LOL I've never done drugs..well smoked a little weed in my early 20's, and sure as hell not going to start now. That's an addiction I don't need. Do I need help for my gambling? Yes probably. But I don't see that happening any time soon. Plus Wednesday nights are Bingo nights.:) Though I doubt I will be going tonight. Lack of money.

The weight thing is pretty crappy. I was pissed off and upst yesterday, so decided I needed to eat...so falling back into THAT habit again.:( I weighed on Monday and was 297. I'm disgusted with myself. A girl I used to babysit..she is thin and beautiful, is turning 30 on Saturday and is having a party at a bar in Colorado Springs. I plan on going. BUT I thinking to myself "maybe I shouldn't go. I'm probably going to be the only fat girl there and no guy is going to want to talk to me, why even go and humiliate myself as I sit there by myself while A and all of her equally thin, beautiful friends get all the attention?"
I hate that little voice inside of my head sometimes.