ISSUES & OTHER FUN THINGS

Bottom line...I don't feel good.  I went to the ER again Friday night....was in MAJOR pain.  When I first got there, my blood pressure was 130/96.  Not extremely high, but high for me.  They had my results from the pelvic exam.  I DO have a cyst on my left ovary, but they don't seem overly concerned about it.  I don't expect them to be...they aren't the ones in pain.  My white cell count is the same as it was the week before...a little high, but not a lot, I guess.  I haven't been able to eat much because I usually just end up throwing up after.  I know that's gross...but might as well put it out there.  It doesn't seem to matter WHAT I eat or when I eat it.  I was sick again just a bit ago...guess that's why I'm up so early.  I try not to eat much now because of that, but I get hungry.:(  A never ending cycle.  I may just try to drink protein shakes for a day or two.  I don't even know if that will make me sick or not as well.  I'm at a loss as to what to do.  

Jeff & I are doing OK.  We have had some long talks recently.  He's sorry that's he's not attracted to me, but he loves me a lot & won't leave unless I ask him to.  Which I won't.  I know he's bored & having a hard time here, because there isn't much work & that I'm 14 years older than him & I have health issues & don't want him to be stuck with someone who isn't feeling good most of the time.  But I love him & I guess I'm just being selfish.  Will just have to wait & see how it plays out.  

I told my ex (Dave) last month that he would have the boys New Year's Eve.  I had told him that that early, because otherwise he would say that I hadn't given him enough notice or whatever.  So I mentioned it again the other day & he said it was a good thing that he didn't have any plans!  I told him that that's why I told him a month ago & he said that he doesn't remember me telling him that!  I told him that that didn't surprise me.  He didn't listen to me when we were married, why would he listen to me now?  The boys don't want to stay with him anyway.  My mom is willing to watch two of them, but not all three.  The reason being, the oldest & youngest fight all the time & she doesn't want to deal with it.  I don't blame her.  So one of them will HAVE to stay with Dave.  Jeff & I don't have any major plans,  but we would like to just hang out alone for a bit.  We don't get to do that very often.  That being said, I have decided that I need to start spending more time with the boys individually, as well as altogether.  I went & hung out with Dominic at mom's yesterday after work.  I was hurting from standing all day (I hate that I hurt like I do), but we played "Just Dance" on the Wii.  Now THERE's a workout!LOL  Still a bit sore from that.  But it was fun & I'm glad that I was able to just hang out with him.  I have work today & tomorrow...but will see about spending some time with each of the other ones soon as well.

I"m having a hard time dealing with things at the moment. I know I'm not really old, but I AM 44 & that still freaks me out a bit...being in my 40's already.  I don't FEEL that age mentally...physically I do...hell sometimes I feel like I'm 70 physically.  So the things that are freaking me out at the moment:  getting older, getting sicker/being in pain, dying, loved ones dying....just basically running out of time to do everything that I want to do.  

I want to get another tattoo soon....still deciding what I really want.  I have also seen some people who have colored their hair blue, green, purple, pink etc...& would like to do that too!LOL  BUT like I said...I'm 44 & maybe that would look stupid.  Dave heard me mentioning that to the boys the other day & he goes "mid-life crisis?"  Hell maybe so.  I wish I had been more adventurous when I was younger & not so worried about what people thought.  I recently saw a picture of Demi Lovato & thought she looked amazing with blue hair!!  

What do you guys think I should do?