Not going to do the FMM today. It's just sharing a Holiday recipe & I don't really have one. I don't know what my issue is really. Just don't feel great mentally or physically at the moment. I don't know if it's because of how cold it is outside (the highs the past few days have been in the 20's at the highest), not having a vehicle to go places & do things that I need to do, having a messy living room because I'm trying to go thru all of my pictures from like the last 10 years that I should have gone thru before, the fact that Jeff & I have pretty much nothing in common, the fact that my oldest son is totally unmotivated & hasn't been to "real school" in probably a year...though he's doing on-line for the alternative high school right now & if he had done good at that, they would let him in next month...but he hasn't, so I doubt they will...so will have to figure out what needs to be done then, plus he is totally unhappy.:( Probably why he isn't motivated to do anything. So basically, it's just a lot of things. I miss my step-dad a great deal. Nothing is the same. I hate it. Hate death. Hate sickness. My mom hurt her arm/shoulder the other day & has been in a lot of pain since. Why can't she just get a break? Why can't things work out for her? The truck that my step-dad had bought the year before his death & was repossessed after he died because she couldn't afford the $600 payments...well they sold it for like $19,900...so they sent her a bill for the other $8,000 still owed. WTF???!! She had told my step-dad when he was alive that him buying the truck would totally screw her over after he was gone & he was like "everything will be fine." I know he meant well & that he really wanted that truck....but it hasn't been easy for mom. Her health hasn't been the best the past few years...but I think it has gotten a bit worse since he died. She always had so much energy before...getting things done that she wanted to in no time. Now it takes her awhile & she hurts a lot. She's only 64. That affects my mood too. I love my mom & have always been close to her. Seeing her like this & knowing there's really nothing I can do about it...it wears on me. Having to rely on her to take me to work & other places when she's feeling badly, makes me feel even worse. I hope that 2014 is a better year for all of us, because this year, though it has had some good things too, has pretty much sucked. As for Jeff & I have nothing in common....we laugh & can talk about anything, which is awesome. But as far as interests go...he likes gaming, anime, sci-fi. I'm just not into any of that, though I don't mind sci-fi. It's like we're both just doing our own thing. One thing we do have in common is the love of movies & watching TV shows together. We were talking last night....he can't find a job here. He's smart & was working in the gaming industry. He came here to this small town for me. But there isn't any jobs here. Nobody is hiring right now. He wants to work & have money for him & for us. I know he will do what he can. But he may have to leave & go somewhere else, but that would mean the end of us. We both know that. That's why he doesn't want to leave & go somewhere else. We love each other a lot. We're best friends. But I can't just pack up & go with him somewhere, though I would in a heartbeat. But I have my kids to think about & I can't just pack them up & go. I can't leave them here. I would miss them sooo much, plus my ex...well I don't see him as being a full-time dad. He barely sees them now. When he does, it's not for very long. They don't even want to spend that much time with him anymore. Anyway, I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I had some issues at work yesterday. I won't get into all the details...but we'll see if I still have a job.
Also a couple of days ago...I decided during my lunch break, to buy the diet pill "Hydroxycut Hardcore." I took one pill. Well....about an hour later...I started feeling REALLY bad. My stomach was hurting so bad & I was sooo sick. I had to call someone over to my register to take over like twice because I had to go to the bathroom. I was so hot inside that I was actually sweating. Then I got the chills. I seriously thought that I was going to have to call an ambulance. It felt like I was dying & I'm thinking to myself "this would be a crappy way to die...over some stupid diet pill." I made it through the next 3 hours of work & then just laid down when I got home for awhile. Never again. I will just have to deal with my weight the old fashioned way....I know that it hasn't really worked for me in the past....but hoping that I can lose at least another 15-20 lbs at least. Then whatever from there.
I don't feel great & dread going to work today. I don't want to call in because I know how busy they have been with the Holidays & all, plus I would probably be "coached" & possibly even fired, since you can only miss 3 days in a 6 month period. I haven't missed a day in awhile, though I did have to go home after a couple of hours on October 14th (because my oldest was having issues) & I was warned that I would have a "coaching" again. But I never did. Anyway, I only work like 4 hours or so today...a short shift.
I have all of my Christmas pictures/cards ready to go out today. Proud of myself for that! Usually I get them out around the 23rd, which sucks. I have most presents bought...but still have a few more to get...hoping that I still have enough money to do that with. I will have to check & see. I will get thru the rest of my pictures that I have all over the living room floor later today & get things cleaned up. So hopefully will have our tree up Tuesday or Wednesday. Jeff wanted a real tree, but I can't afford one & he doesn't have any money at the moment. So my fake one will go up this year. Which is cool with me....less mess!!;)
Jeff & I both have Pinterest pages...he just now got one. He has like anime, Star Trek boards....but he also has hot women....under goth, tattoos, etc. They are all thin & beautiful. Now I can see why he's not attracted to me at all. I'm not anywhere near his type. But he says he loves me completely & that I'm everything to him. So I will try not to let my insecurities get to me.
How do I compete with that??? Yes they are beautiful & thin....& that's cool, but not when that's what your boyfriend likes & you're nowhere near that. I couldn't add some other pics...because I felt that they were "too sexy" for here.LOL
No comments:
Post a Comment