I was supposed to meet J...oh hell, I'm just gonna say her name, because I don't care. It's not like it's a big fucking secret. Joannie was supposed to meet me for coffee yesterday at this local restaurant. We were going to go at 10:00am, but then I asked if we could make it 10:30am...she said that was fine. We were texting THAT morning. Then she asked if we could make it 11:00am. I told her that was totally fine. Well I get there & text her to tell her that I'm there...no answer. So I wait & text her again to see if she's coming..still nothing. I went ahead & got a coffee & a chef salad. I was there for 40 minutes...she never showed. Never texted. She finally texted around 3:00pm saying that she was sorry, that she had fallen asleep, because she hadn't been sleeping all that good. Whatever. We had just been texting not too long before that. It was her childish way of getting back at me for not being able to hang out with her a couple of weeks ago, but thought I had made that up at the bowling alley, by buying her kids food & giving them quarters to play games. I didn't text her back. I just don't care at this point in time. If she wants to act like she's 12, more power to her.
JM & I have been having issues the past few days...like that's a fucking surprise. Sorry for all the foul language, but I'm in a foul mood. He just doesn't get it. For one, I think he's full of crap. It's always something every time I want to see him, so no I'm not going down there this weekend. This is my last weekend that I could go, since I'll be working thru Christmas. Which means I won't see him for another two months. So obviously, just not planning on seeing him again. Sure I would like to have him in my life, but I'm so over it right now. Don't even feel like talking to him. Talked to him on the phone earlier. He says he loves me & that I make him happy. Well not sure how I do that since I never get to see him & all we do is text every now & then & talk on the phone. He doesn't seem to understand my frustration at not being able to see him. But now I get it. I guess I "got it" before, but it's finally out there in black & white. Yes he had told me that he wasn't that attracted to me..but that that might change in the future. Can ya believe that I believed that? Just yesterday we were talking about still living together next year. Well I'm tired of rejection. So tonight I asked him what the issue was...am I too fat, too ugly.. etc. I figure it has to be SOMETHING, because no guy seems to be attracted to me unless they're like 70 years old. He said he didn't know what it was, but not those things. Yeah that helps. So I got mad & pretty much demanded "why are you not attracted to me?!" He said in a kind of "mad voice," "I don't know, I'm just not!" Well there it is. I actually thought..or maybe just wanted it to be true...that he was at least a LITTLE attracted to me, so we could work towards more. But, being as he is not attracted to me AT ALL???? Where do ya go from there? Guess nowhere. I don't care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I'm tired of not being good enough. I said that I would never let my heart get THAT involved again after Dave left me. I did good for awhile, but then came JM & I was stupid. So now my heart is broke again into a million little pieces. I feel empty inside. Tired of caring & not getting the same in return. Sure, JM & I can "be friends," but that usually just means "I'll talk to you every 3-4 months or so" in my world. There's no point in ever going to see him again. That would be pretty awkward now, even if it was just to hang out. I know that he cares, that he loves me...but damn. Pretty sure you can't have a successful relationship without at least some sex. Am I right? Am I willing to give that up to be with him? Then when someone else comes along that he has chemistry with, then where does that leave me? Alone. But I'm alone now. I can tell you that I'm DONE with all the love crap, the relationship crap, the caring crap. Tired of being hurt, being rejected, being treated like I have no feelings. I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I won't "settle" for anyone, just because I don't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him....obviously that's not going to happen.
3 comments:
Keep your chin up hun. You are beautiful inside and out. Don't let anyone ever tell you different. Learn to love yourself. Find yourself attractive. Attraction has a lot to do with attitude and personality.
Once you start believing you're sexy and portraying the confidence of that belief, others will see it too. Take this time to focus on you. What you like. What you want. Then just live your life.
Don't wait for some guy to come along and complete you. You have to be complete all by yourself. Then one day you'll find a guy who's complete all by himself. Don't go for the ones that need to be fixed. It never works. They have to fix themselves first, just like you do.
That was an amazing comment!! Thank you sooo much!:) I wish that I could just accept myself for the way I am & love myself as well. I thought I had worked toward that, but I guess I really haven't. It's hard to accept myself & love myself the way I am when all that's out there is "you have to be thin & beautiful." So will try to work on it some more. Thank you for being a friend & for being there for me.:)
I agree with Tammy Herrin's comment. I used to be an emotional wreck--hated being alone, hated rejection. I'd break up with one guy just to hook up with another the next week. Didn't even really like some of them; I just needed to feel validated by a relationship. My self-esteem was in the gutter, even though I was thin. Being thin and beautiful doesn't erase all insecurities, or automatically drive good, caring men to your door. It was only when I got myself figured out and started dealing with all the hurt in my life that the right man came my way. I grew a backbone and stopped tolerating people's petty emotional games, which improved my life significantly. If there's something you don't like about yourself, change it. But do it for yourself only--not for some guy. Be the person YOU want to be. And that includes more than just dress size.
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