THURSDAY....a long post!

I hate when I can't think of a better title!!LOL Well the diet thing is going SLOW. Just have to get back into the exercising on a regular basis and really watching what I eat. It's not easy for me. But I know that it's not easy for anyone else either. That we all have our struggles. We all have out inner demons to deal with. The little voice in your head that says you can't do it, that it doesn't matter if you lose weight or not so why try, etc. Just have to learn to ignore it and push on. I DO fit in size 46 jeans now!!! WOO HOO!!LOL It got the point that I couldn't even get jeans at Wal-Mart...and they usually go up to at least a 52! I had to go to Colorado Springs to the "fat girl store" and pay $50 for jeans that would fit me. Their sizes are different, but basically I was into size 56 jeans...so I'm down 10 pant sizes!!! Can't believe that I let myself get that big.:(

I have had some dark days recently. Just missing my ex and what used to be. He's planning on moving to Denver and that upsets me a lot. He promised our oldest last year that he wouldn't do that. So basically we can't believe anything he says. Denver is 3 hours away. He'll still be a good dad he says..call the kids all the time, come down to see them "when he can," etc. So I see it as he's bailing on his kids and leaving it to me to raise them on my own, while he goes up there and is around her kids 24/7 and helping raise them.:( He just doesn't get it. I told him the kids would resent that...that they will hardly get to see him and they'll be upset that he's around the other kids all the time, but he doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to "discuss" it with me or will talk about it "later." Yeah right. He always wants me to compromise, but he won't compromise with me at all. Why can't he transfer somewhere closer and have her move there?? He's a correctional officer at a prison, so there are plenty of prisons like an hour away from us. There's no reason that he should have to move 3 hours away. Then he says I dictate to him..like telling him that the younger two won't be allowed to go up to see him until they're older and a few other things, but he dictates to me all the time. That I can move out of town if I need to (to find a job), but I can't take them out of state, etc. It's just a mess. I guess if I was totally over it, it would be different. He was my best friend as well as my husband, so losing the best friend is just as hard or harder than losing my husband. He says he still wants to be friends, but it's hard when everything that I say seems to piss him off.:( I'm not sure when he's planning on moving, but I dread it.

I haven't heard from Arturo at all. Does that surprise me? I guess not anymore. Obviously, I don't mean that much to him any longer for whatever reason. It upsets me a lot, but not much I can do.

Went to Colorado Springs last weekend to meet a guy friend that I had never met before. We had talked off and on for a couple of years. He's a cool guy..named Derek. We had a nice time. After I got home, he texted me and said that he just wants a "casual sexual relationship." That kinda pissed me off. He could have told me that BEFORE I met him. I want a relationship...not just sex. So though we may talk from time to time, I don't plan on hanging out with him again.

I have an addiction to on-line gambling now.:( The past couple of months...I have spent a lot of money...well LOST a lot of money.:( This month is really bad. No money for bills, food, etc. What the hell is wrong with me??!! Stress? The adrenaline rush? I don't know, but I need to STOP!!! I have an addictive personality and I just need to learn to control it. Just not sure how to do that. I may end up having to get professional help....

I've been talking to a guy on-line named Ron. He lives up by Denver. He sounds really cool and we get along great. He wants to meet me soon. BUT he's an ex-con..which I don't really have a problem with (i.e Arturo), but he doesn't have a job right now and no car. That's a major issue for me. I have a hard enough time supporting myself and 3 kids..I can't support anyone else. He wants a relationship, so that's the good part. It's just not that easy though. I can't just have some guy move in with me and my kids out of the blue. I'm not ready for that and neither are my boys. As you may be able to tell, I like the attention I get from guys. BUT it's also stressful at times, because I don't even know if I can be "in love" with someone again or even trust someone totally again. I've become pretty jaded and keep guys at a distance. I also keep my options open..and that's not a good thing. What if I make the wrong choice and end up with someone I'm not supposed to be with?:(

Then the guy that I met in Vegas last July (when I was there for my friends' wedding..I think I posted about him)...we have talked off and on since then and he wants me to fly out to Vegas in the middle of April. He'll pay for half the ticket and I can stay at his place. That's a cool offer. He's a nice guy. As a FRIEND. The rest just isn't there for me and I don't think it's there for him either. He had met a woman the weekend before I got there last July and that's all I heard about. I think that's what turned me off to begin with. I mean SERIOUSLY??LOL But we had a blast. He took me all over Vegas and I got to see a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise. So I may go ahead and go out for a few days next month.:)

OH!! My youngest is 7 (Matthew). He is sooo funny! Seems that he wants me to have a boyfriend pronto.LOL The other day, we saw a girl at 7-11 with really blonde hair (I loved the color) and he tells me that if I have my hair that color maybe I would get more dates!!;) Then last night, we went to get gas and there were a couple of guys getting gas as well..he told me before I got out of the jeep to "look nice." How do you look nice while getting gas??LOL I just think it's cute that he seems so concerned about that.

BUT what I'M concerned about is this...I'm overweight and my oldest son is overweight as well. My two youngest aren't..YET. But Matthew says that he should go to a gym and exercise because he's getting too fat.:( He's not at all. He IS always hungry, but he runs around a lot. I don't want him to have body image issues, but not sure how to stop that. I try to explain to him that he's not fat, but I don't know if it's getting thru or not. He once asked me that if when he got older would he be fat like me and Phillip (oldest). Makes me sad.