I have too much on my mind these days & now me feeling "icky..." well it doesn't help. JM texted & asked me today what has been going on, since for the past few days or so, I haven't said that I loved him unless he said it first & that I was "short" on the phone Wednesday night. I don't know the answers to that really. You can only take so much rejection...and just certain things were said before...it changes feelings sometimes. I don't know if that's what's going on with me or not, but right now...I'm just overwhelmed with life.
Phillip has a doctor's appt in Pueblo today...Dave is taking him. He's back to not going to school again. Guess I will ask the school if I can try to help him at home & then just turn his homework in. I don't know if they will go for that or not. I know it's "the law" that he goes to school. But I would rather get in trouble, then to have my kid be miserable enough to think about killing himself.
My house is also most likely going into foreclosure on Feb. 13th. I'm about 4 months behind. I have been paying on it now & was going to try to make a double payment next month with the income tax, to get a bit more caught up..but they are saying that if I don't have the full amount due or if they don't have a program to help me, then they can't (won't) stop the foreclosure. Well they have already said that they don't have a program to help me. I have no idea where I will go. I don't want to lose the kids. But I won't have them homeless with me. I will figure something out...always do. JM asked if there was anything he could do to help...it was nice of him to ask, but there really isn't. We had been talking before about me moving down there & moving in together with my kids. Well he hasn't even met my kids yet. There have been a couple of times that I had planned for him to meet them, but then for whatever reason, it fell through. So I doubt we will be moving in together anytime soon, if at all.
The health of my step-dad is weighing on my mind as well. It's just not good. Of course, they won't give us a time frame...though I think we would all rather know. Wouldn't you want to know how long you had? His bloodwork isn't good, whatever that means. He can't have ANY salt at all, not much liquid either..only a certain amount a day. He goes to the doctor in the Springs again on the 12th...don't really know what they're going to do or say that hasn't already been done or said. I can't imagine him not being around. Phillip is having a really hard time seeing him sick. The other two as well..though they don't talk about it much. It's like seeing their grandpa (Daves' dad) all over again & that didn't end with a happy ending. He has been in my life & around for me for longer than my real dad was. I won't go into all of that right now...but dad left when I was 12. We saw him once a week for "visitation" for a few years after that & only because the judge ordered him to. Things were a bit better when I was older...but he should have been there, at least emotionally, the whole time. My step-dad has been in our lives for 16+ years. Just hard to see people get older...get sicker.
I just need a break from everything for awhile. But don't see that happening anytime soon.
"You know, the smallest thing can change a life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance - and when you least expect it - since we're on a course that you could have never planned, into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That's the journey of our lives: our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must past through the deepest darkness. At least, that's how it was for me." ~~The Lucky One
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