It's been awhile since I last wrote! Time flies right?LOL Joannie and I have been hanging out some..but not as much as we were. Not sure why that is. I went to Canon City and hung out with my other friend, Tracy on the 11th and went on to Pueblo and watched "The Titanic" in 3D. Love that movie! I have books on it and was obsessed with it before the movie ever came out. I would hope that if I was actually there that night, that I would have been one to be a bit braver..but who knows. I'm afraid of death AND drowning. I would most likely be a 2nd or 3rd class passenger..definitely NOT the in 1st class. I have 3 sons..so if they were't allowed on the lifeboats because they were boys, then I wouldn't have went either. No way would I leave my kids. I loved Kathy Bates as Molly Brown..she reminds me of me in a way..I would have been loud and outspoken too..saying what I felt needed to be said. I would like to think that I would have insisted that we go back and try to save more people. I would like to think that I would have been one of the heroic ones instead of one of the cowards. But nobody knows how they will react to any situation. Tim...I think it's soooo cool about the museum and all. I would LOVE to see it someday!! I went to Las Vegas in July 2010 and was able to see the Titanic Exhibit there. I loved it.
Not much has really been going on really. When I was in Canon City, I stopped at the bookstore. I LOVE BOOKS!LOL Anyway, I saw one of those books for dummies.."Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies." I kinda glanced thru it..because, even though I know that I have had depression for awhile now, I also know that there is more going on. It's just been pretty horrible. Some of the information in there was SOOOO me. I wasn't able to buy it, but I DID go on-line and look up some information on it. It explains a lot of things. So I was thinking that maybe talking to an shrink might help. I don't think there is really any medication for it, but maybe just talking would help. We shall see. All I know is that the anger that I feel a lot of the time is NOT "normal." The things I have done and continue to try to "fight"...the crazy impulses to have sex with whomever, the gambling, the suicidal tendencies, etc. are part of that. I won't go into all of the details here and bore you to tears.
On the more crappy part...I seriously thought that, even though I would have to start making the house payment this month, that we would still be OK. We won't. There is absolutely NO WAY. I have found out very quickly that I can't pay the house payment, all the other bills AND have money for everything else. I don't know how I will be able to stay here in this town, let alone the state. I told Dave this and he said he was "sorry," that he just didn't think about "stuff like that." He is the type of person who feels if he doesn't think about something, then it doesn't exist or it isn't happening. He said he will help out as much as he can. Well, he had all that extra money this month (since he didn't have to pay the house payment) and it's already gone! He doesn't even know what he spent it on. He feels "bad" and says he will get the money situation under control. I just don't see how that is gonig to help me now..or anytime in the near future. It's frustrating and depressing. I'm freaking out a bit. The kids and I may have to move to a different state where it's cheaper to live..and the reason it's cheaper to live is because of the tornadoes and all...Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri. I know that things work out the way they're supposed to, but I don't see a solution to this.
3 comments:
Here's a thought. Quit depending on your ex to make your house payment and get a job to do it yourself. He's done with you. Move on and stop being dependent on him. You knew this was coming, so you probably should have prepared instead of wasting your money on other things and gambling
Pretty cowardly to post anonymously..but whatever. Yes I have to move on...thanks for "showing me the light." I wasn't "depending" on my ex to make the house payment. He was court ordered to do so. His stupid ass is the one that left, so does he get off scot free and not have too help support HIS kids? I don't think so. Yeah he's "done with me," but he's NOT done with his kids. What I do or don't use my money for, is not your concern. As for the gambling...don't worry about what I do and don't do. You have no idea what my life is like, so don't judge me. I'm on disability..as if I have to explain myself to you. Yes I'm looking for a job. I live in a small town and there isn't much work around here. I hope your life is perfect..
I think it could be a good idea to talk to a shrink. I know it can be quite a scary thing to open up to people but I think the fact that you realise you have a problem is a great step in overcoming it.
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