LIFE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK....

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  Not sure where to begin.  Phillip (oldest) has been having some issues in school as you know.  I know that he has depression.  What I didn't know is that he hears voices in his head.  That he has a hard time sleeping because of them, a hard time concentrating in school, says one of the voices sounds like my youngest, Matthew...which would explain why Matthew can't even open his mouth without Phillip telling him to shut up.  He's not like that with Dominic at all...so couldn't figure out why he was like that with Matthew.  Now I know.  The voices tell him how stupid he is, that he's not allowed to sleep, etc.  Yep really upset me when he told me.  I didn't realize that that was going on.  I have always had a "voice" in my head.  But my mom & a couple of other people just look at me weird when I tell them that, because they say that they don't.  Do any of you?  I figure it's just my "concious" or whatever.  It's not like it tells me to do horrible things, it's just there.  So maybe Phillip gets his "issues" from me??:(  I don't know.  I know he gets the depression & anxiety for me...which makes me feel bad enough.  Anyway, it's a major concern, of course.  He is on Dave's insurance, so Dave has been calling around to see what psychologist is "in network."  There is one here, but not a psychiatrist, who would have to be the one to prescribe any medications.   The closest one is in Pueblo, which is about 2 hrs from here.  So we went down there on Monday.  They said he could see a psychologist on Friday, but couldn't see the psychiatrist (the main reason for going down there) until the beginning of February, because he was that booked.:(  He would have to see the psychologist every other week...which could be a pain in the ass having to drive down there & all.  So Dave talked to them yesterday, plus a psychologist here who is willing to see him.  He will see both the psychologist AND the psychiatrist now on Friday.  Which is awesome.  So maybe we can get him some help.  Then after they see him, we will see how it goes.  Hopefully he can see the woman here that we found.  If not, then we will just make the trip to Pueblo every couple of weeks.  Just as long as he gets better.  Dave's insurance thru the State sucks.  There's a mental health center here...with Dave's insurance, it's a $3500 deductible!  The first appt would be like $450 & all others would be like $298 or some crazy amount like that.  It's insane.  Luckily the one that Phillip will be seeing isn't as expensive as that.  I'm going to try to get the kids on a different insurance next year.  The school is being decent about things too...Dave explained the situation to them.  They said that they wouldn't count his grades this semester.  That the priority is getting him better.  That he does need to go to school though & at least learn.  But he's being a pain in the ass about getting up in the mornings.  I get so over it at times.   I know that nobody ever said that being a parent was going to be easy, but damn.  All I'm hoping is that he will get better.

The younger two have been home sick the past couple of days...a stomach bug it seems.  I wasn't feeling great yesterday, but feel better today..which is good since I have to work later today...1:30pm-10:00pm.  They sent a note home the other day, saying that they have had two confirmed cases of Whooping Cough in both the elementary school & the middle school.:(  Not a good thing.  I know some people have serious reservations about getting their kids vaccinated, but the alternative could be worse, plus they are putting my kids at risk.  I was always concerned when I had to take the boys in to get their shots...wondering if it would have an adverse effect...cause autism or whatever, but I just prayed before I took them, that that wouldn't happen.  There are risks to everything it seems.  But there is a reason that they have vaccinations now...the child mortality rate was horrible in the "old days" because they didn't have anything to stop all of those horrible sicknesses such as whooping cough, diptheria, typhoid fever, scarlet fever, polio, smallpox, measles etc.  Now that they have things that can stop them, we should take advantage of that.  I know that there are some out there that will disagree with me & that's fine.  Everyone has their own opinion.

OK...I know that there will be haters on this one.  I was getting food stamps..yes they helped.  No I wasn't taking "advantage" of the system or whatever.  I get child support & I get Social Security.  I may have said why I get Social Security before in my blog, not sure..but it's really nobody's business unless I want to tell them, which at this point, I don't.  So yes I was getting "help" since I have 3 kids & have a zillion bills to pay it seems.  I know it's not as many bills as some people have, but it's enough.  Anyway, I decided that I would try to get a job for the Holidays, so that I would have some extra money for Christmas.  Of course, I had to report it to Social Services.  I thought that they would probably cut my food stamps in half, which was OK.  I could manage that.  But nope...they cut them off completely.  So I really don't have any extra money for Christmas, since I now have to buy food with it.  It makes no sense.  You try to help yourself, to get ahead & it's like they punish you for it.  This job is only a Holiday thing & they will let me go right after Christmas.  So then she said I could "reapply" for food stamps in January, which would mean that even if I do get them back, that I wouldn't get them until February.  So January will be even worse than this month where that is concerned, since I won't be working.  I seriously don't know how people make it without help.  Yet I see other people coming thru the lines at Wal Mart with A LOT of food stamps....I have nothing against people coming to this country to try to better themselves, their lives or whatever.  But I don't get why people who come here from other countries usually get more help than we do.  Again, just my opinion.  If it was just me, I wouldn't even worry about food stamps.  But I have 3 boys & they eat a lot...have to have food.  I seriously feel like a failure as a parent.

My weight loss sucked this week.  I won't put the "official" weight on right now because I usually weigh after my shower & I haven't done that yet, but will post it after I do.  I know that I have gained a few pounds. Don't know why it's so fucking hard to lose weight...I know that I'm over 40 now & everything, but it's insane.  I have been exercising...though have slacked on that a bit this week.  I know that I have eaten a few things that I shouldn't..but to gain a few pounds because of that?:(  Plus it's around "that time of the month."  Or it should be.  My period shows up when it feels like anymore.  Which is annoying as hell.  I get cramps & everything, but never know when it's going to start.  Since June, it's been like this (when it started):  June 19th, July 31st,  September 7th,  November 2nd.  See what I mean?  It's all over the place.  I totally skipped August & October.  I know, I know, TMI....lol

Just not a good few days.  I'm not even close to being ready for Christmas.  Still have to get the tree up, take a family picture (if I decide to do that now), get them sent out, make fudge, try to get a few little presents for my kids...can't get anyone else anything this year, etc.  I hope this next week is a better one.  I work every day thru next Tuesday now.  Some are only 4 hour days...but most are 8 hrs.  I still look forward to going to Colorado Springs on the 12th, but now just have to watch what I spend...plus was planning on getting a hotel room & staying overnight...not sure I can swing that now, but we'll see. 

Tim...thank you for all the comments.:)  You're right, I do need to focus on myself a bit more & not worry so much about others.  Of course, I need to worry about my kids, but you know what I mean.  I will work on that.  It's never been easy for me to just focus on me & try to make myself "better." 
Glad you liked the bright shoes!!;)

Hope everyone is having a good week.:)