TIRED.....

Yesterday at work was crazy too....but not as bad as it was on Saturday...only thing is...I'm overwhelmed, tired,...I know that it's just the way things go sometimes.  Just not easy to deal with people all day every day...especially if your back hurts or whatever.  I'm NOT complaining...just writing it down.  Plus other things are bothering me.  Our mortality for one.  My step-dad is really sick.  I don't know what is going on, but he's been sick with whatever he's sick with for way too long.  I just wish that the doctors could find out for sure what's going on.  It's frustrating.  Then the whole thing with Bevs' friend...Jenny.  Bev & another friend went up to see her over the weekend.  She is in the hospital in Denver.  She has gotten weak so fast that Bev had to help her brush her hair.  She's already in Stage 4.  The cancer is in her lungs, her liver, her lymph nodes.  Found out that she's 52...but she looks like she's in her 30's.  It doesn't even matter how old she is...the fact is, it's horrible.  She's fine, then she's not.  She didn't even have any real symptoms...had a cough...the doctor said it would go away.  A couple of weeks later, she has a little pain in her hip, sees another doctor...he says that she's not even going home, that she's going straight to the hospital in Denver..that maybe if the first doctor would have done x-rays, it may have made a difference.  Who knows if it would have or not.  Life goes by too damn fast.  It's too short.  Not enough time to do everything that you want to do.  Just too much thinking....

Dominic is having a hard time with me working so much.  Misses me...he doesn't say it in so many words, but more in his actions.  It makes me sad.  Just hard to know the "right" thing to do.  I don't know if the other two feel the same or not.  I just know that I feel guilty..that I'm missing out on things that I shouldn't be missing out on.  I know that other mothers feel the same way. 

JM is going to Seattle on the 29th to see friends & family.  We were going to hang out New Year's Eve..but then found out that I had to work.  I told him that he should go, see who he needs to see.  Like I said, life is too short not to do what you want to do...see who you need to see, say what you need to say.  I don't even know what is "right" where he is concerned.  Maybe it's just a "friend thing."  I do know that I want him in my life.  Guess will just take one day at at time. 

Mom is having her Christmas dinner the afternoon of Christmas Eve..which technically is today already...though it's still really early in the morning.    I won't be able to go..because they are having it at around 4:00pm & I don't get off until 6:00pm.  But since Bev & her daughters have other things to do after...it's just the way it has to be.  At least my kids will be there.  They will open presents from Bev & they will open presents from us.  Christmas came so fast...I haven't even sent out cards with school pictures yet.  Will be doing that this week..even though it is late.  My ex-sister-in-law asked me to come to Christmas dinner...the boys want me to go...but Dave & Christy will be there.  So how weird would that be?  I know that we have to learn to deal with it, but it may be awkward if I decide to go.  Again, what is "right?"

My weight isn't going anywhere....well guess it's better than going up.  Just frustrating.  But guess I can't expect miracles when I have been eating fudge & cookies lately.  I know that I will get "control" over it again...just hope it's soon.  Know what's horrible?  I saw a lady at Wal-Mart today...she was really big.  I thought to myself "at least I'm not THAT big."  WTF?!  Can't believe I even thought that.  I'm sure other people compare themselves to me like that...look at me & think "I'm glad I'm not THAT huge."  The thing is we all compare ourselves to other people.  Though we shouldn't.  We are all who we're supposed to be.  We all matter.