GOOD & BAD...long post

Time gets away from me these days.  Well  I guess it always has...but I'm just noticing it more now.LOL  I haven't lost any weight.  Which is totally understandable considering I don't seem to have any willpower at all.  I have to keep reminding myself that little changes add up & that it doesn't have to be "all or nothing."  Like if I slip up & eat one cookie one day, that it doesn't mean I totally blew it & I might as well eat the whole package of cookies.  I haven't done that...but that's an example of my "all or nothing" mentality.  I also need to ger off of my ass and exercise...I have been fucking lazy & I'm tired of it.  Yes there are days that I feel like crap & don't feel like doing anything...but I need to push thru that.  Need to quit being such a wimp.  My weight disgusts me.  I need to learn to ignore the negative voice in my head that tells me that I can't do it.  That I have failed before & what's the difference this time..that I will just fail again.  That I'm not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough..that I'm already 43 & who cares if I'm thinner or not.  The voice that tells me "one cookie won't hurt you or just one more McDonalds' meal is no big deal."  At night..when things are the hardest...when I feel more alone than ever...I need to stop eating to make myself  "feel better."  It doesn't help & ends up making me feel more disgusting.  People who can deprive themselves of food...I know that's an extreme opposite of what I do...but sometimes I envy them & wonder how they do & wish I could be like that...instead of like this.
 
I took the boys to the zoo in Colorado Springs on the 8th.  It was fun!  It was a beautiful day & everything went well.  We got to see a new baby gorilla that was just born in August...though his mom was laying on her back & had him on her stomach with her arms around him..so it was kinda hard to see him!LOL  Very protective. 
 

 
 

 

 

 

Dominic, Phillip, Matthew

 

Colorado Springs in the background

 

 

It would have been nice to have my "real" camera, but just had my phone...so these are the better pics that came out.LOL

 

 

JM wasn't able to go...he has been pretty sick & was in the hospital overnight the the weekend before that.  He has some stomach issues going on.  I was pretty disappointed, but you can't help being sick.   Was hoping that he would get to meet the kids.  Not sure when that's going to happen now.  Then I was going to go down there this weekend, but since he's sick..we decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  I don't want to get whatever he has & he wouldn't feel much like doing much besides sleeping.  He has something going on next weekend...so may be able to see him the weekend of the 26th...otherwise it won't be until the weekend of November 9th...since the 3rd is Matthew's 9th birthday.  It sucks that he lives 2 hrs away.  Then it all depends on the weather now too.  Icy roads & snow doesn't make for the best driving conditions.  I get insecure sometimes, but I try to "chill out."  I know that things work out the way they're supposed to, but sometimes it's hard for me to just "go with the flow" & let things happen the way they're supposed to.  He had a job opportunity in California, but refused it, because he says he doesn't want to lose me.  I thought that was really sweet.  Even with that, the voice in my head is like "you're not worth that."  I tell ya, that voice isn't a very nice voice.LOL  I told JM that I  want him to be happy & to do what makes him happy & he said that I make him happy.  We will see how it all goes.  I don't want him to give up his dreams or to ever resent me for anything, 

 

My step-dad isn't doing too good right now & any prayers would be greatly appreciated.  He hasn't been feeling good for awhile..but didn't realize how "bad" it was.  He does have a pacemaker as he had a major heart attack years ago..before him & my mom were together..so it's been like 20 years ago.  The doctor that he sees at Ft. Carson (he's retired Army) told him a few months ago that his kidneys weren't doing very well..but that his heart would kill him before his kidneys ever did...I know, I thought that was a nice thing to say too.  Anyway, he has blood work done every so often.  He had some done last week & they called the house at midnight one night from Denver or wherever they send it & told him that he needed to go to the ER right then, because it was so bad.  His potassium levels were really high & a few other things didn't look good.  Mom didn't tell me everything.  So he went & was there for a few hours.  He saw the doctor here the next day & she wanted to put him in the hospital, but, of course, he didn't want to.  She asked him if his doctor at Ft. Carson had ever talked to him about dialysis.:(  His kidneys have gotten that bad from August until now.  Anyway, she told him that he didn't have to be put in the hospital that day, but that she was going to call his regular doctor & see what he wants to do.  He has another appt this morning & will see how his blood work is now.  If it's still "bad" like it was, he will have no choice but to go into the hospital, so that they can see what they can do from there.  He will be 66 next month..so he's not that old.  I hate that he's this sick.  I don't want him to die any time soon.  I don't want him to suffer.  I don't want him to have to be on dialysis.  I hate sickness..hate that people have to get old.  He was looking forward to going hunting this year...was going to take Phillip for his first year hunting & now he most likely won't be able to.  It's such a sad thing.:(  Duke (step-dad) has been in my life for over 16 years.  I can't even imagine him not being around.  Daves' dad...he died of kidney failure..he had decided against dialysis...because he was like 80 at the time & decided he didn't want to do that.  So we kept him at his house & took care of him the last couple years of his life.  It's a horrible way to die.  It was horrible seeing him in pain like that.  I don't want Duke to have to go thru that. I guess will just have to wait & see how it goes.

 

My sister, Bev & I aren't really talking at the moment.  I know she works a lot & his a bit stressed out.  Her fiancee lives in Colorado Springs, so she only gets to see him one or two weekend a month.  She shares custody of her daughters with her ex husband.  I texted her the other day to ask why we hardly ever talked anymore...we live in the same small town & rarely see each other.  So I just asked a question & she texted me back & in my opinion, about bit my head off.  She basically said, that she didn't know about me, but she works, cleans house, exercises, spends time with her daughters when she has them, sees her fiancee when she can, doesn't have time to read or go for walks like she loves to.  I told her sorry I asked & she told me that she didn't mean to sound bitchy, but since I took it that way then whatever.  I apologized, but she never texted back & hasn't said anything since.:(  She works early in the morning...like at 7..so she will get up like at 4 or 5 to exercise...every day.  She's very disciplined...unlike me.  She puts a lot of pressure on herself & always has.  Towards the end of her marriage, she had gained some weight because of how unhappy she was.  She lost like 60 lbs after the divorce.  She looks good now...but I think she's a bit TOO thin if there's such a thing.  I'm happy for her that she found the guy she wants to marry.  She's not exactly the easiest person to get along with at times, but they go really well together.  Anyway, the bottom line is I miss her.  She's the sister that I'm the closest with..so not seeing her or anything seriously sucks.  I envy sisters who see each other on a regular basis or at least talk on a regular basis & are there for each other.  I know that she would be there if I really needed her, but I think I would have to be on my death bed for that to happen.  She doesn't like to think about "negative" things & sickness & things like that are "negative" things.  When I had pneumonia in July..she knew that I was sick..but she never texted or called to see how I was or anything.  That upsets me.  When my mom is really sick & I tell her about it, she's like "she'll be fine."  She just doesn't want to deal with things like that.  Which annoys the hell out of me.  You can't live your life with your head in the sand.  Yet my mom has told me that when she dies, that she's leaving Bev in charge of things.  Really???  She thinks that if there is any money to be shared..that I wouldn't share it with my sisters.LOL  Not true.  Well...maybe not my youngest sister..because of all the issues we have had with her & how she treated mom for years..though it's better now.  I'm the one who sees mom on a regular basis...not the other two.  So I find it "not right" that Bev will be the one "in charge" when the time comes..  Sorry..got side-tracked there.  I don't even want to THINK about something happening to my mom.  The thought makes me feel sick.  Sometimes wish I could go back to being a kid again & have mom young, have my dad around, get another chance to have a decent relationship with my sisters, etc. 

 

I just found out last night that Dave is starting to see this girl that we grew up with..Christy.  I'm like REALLY??!  Christy is OK...but she's known as a bit of a ho.  Whatever.   I don't want him back, so I don't have any say on who he sees or doesn't see.  Just weird that he chooses to see her.  To each his/her own.