BEING SAD

I'm sooo tired of being sad..being depressed.  Feeling "blah."  Feeling like I'm just "getting thru" life..instead of living it.  JM got annoyed with me today about it..told me to do something about it or shut up pretty much.  He's right.  I have tried different antidepressants over the years.  I have really hated the side effects of some of them.  I have been taking Cymbalta for awhile now & it just isn't helping like it used to.  I stay awake at night..on the internet..because I don't like just laying in bed thinking about things.  But then I sleep most of the day, because I'm so damn tired.  Plus don't feel like doing anything even when I AM awake.  Have a hard time finding things to look forward to.  Cry over the stupidest things, moody, etc.  So made a doctors' appt for Monday...see if I can try something else.  I know that there isn't a magic pill to make me happy, just like there isn't a magic pill to make me lose weight.  I just want to feel at least somewhat better. 

 

 

As far as JM & I are concerned....do any of you think that you can be in a relationship when one person isn't exactly that sexually attracted to you?  Yes he loves me.  But as he told me in July after we had sex for the first time..he just didn't feel that "spark."  Still doesn't.  I didn't think he did.  I was just hoping that it would change over time, but you either have it or you don't.  Like I said, he says he loves me & wants to be in a relationship with me....but I don't know if that can even happen without everything being there, ya know?  Makes me sad.  I don't want him as a friend.  I don't see how to get rid of all of these intense, romantic feelings I have for him & just lower it down to friend level.  I told him that & he said I didn't have to.  I'm just confused at the moment.  I don't want him out of my life,  but don't know how to live with how it is either.  We get along really well otherwise.  Watching movies, talking, just hanging out.  Anyway, I have left the ball in his court.  I told him if he wants me in his life (as in a relationship), he has to make more of an effort.  If he wants me to come down there & see him, he needs to tell me that & instigate that.  I don't feel that I should have to ask if I can come down this weekend, next weekend, etc.  I have kids, so I need to make sure that they are with their dad on whatever weekend it may be.  His mom lives with him at the moment, so when I go down there, she goes & stays at her nieces..so it's not like I can just show up whenever.  I'm just tired.  It's not all about sex either.  If that's all I wanted, then it wouldn't be that hard to get it closer to home.  I really do love him.  I can tell you that if this relationship doesn't work out, that I'm done with relationships.  Not worth putting the time & effort into one, putting my heart out there, and getting it broke again.

It's really windy tonight.:(  Hate when it's windy at night.