OK, I have been separated since August 2009 and divorced since December 2010. Dave(ex) and I have our differences, but we basically get along now and have a friendship of sorts. We usually get along unless I want to talk about something serious...such as money. His gf, Gracie (whom he left me for) lives in Denver..which is about 3 hrs away. He has been going to see her on weekends when he can for the past two years...while he lives here with his sister. He has a good job with the state here and also wanted to be close to the kids. I admit, that I DON'T like Gracie at all. For numerous reasons. I don't want our kids around her. Phillip (oldest) goes with Dave usually and even that was hard at first. But she has kids around our kids' ages and he likes to go up there. He's 13 and I feel that he can make his own choices. I don't "allow" the younger two to go. They are 9 and 7. They don't want to go usually anyway. They are still "mommas' boys." It won't always be that way, but for now, it is. Which I love.:) Dave has been living rent free with is sister for the past two years. Last month, she told him that she wants $300 a month for rent. This made him decide that moving to Denver would be a better idea. He can't just up and leave, because first he has to put in a transfer from his job. I don't know how long that will take or anything, but I'm hoping awhile. Getting to the point here...LOL. Yesterday I was at my moms'..I get my mail there. She hands me a certified letter that came and it was from DAVE. He NEVER said anything about that, even though we talk every day and were pretty much getting along. It was a revised parenting plan. Since he's moving, he had it revised...he wants the boys up there with him and HER every other Christmas, every other Spring Break, 4th of July, 3 weeks in the Summer (though it doesn't have to be consecutive) and all weekends if he's able to come down and get them. WTF???!! I told him how I felt about the younger two going up there. I told him that he could come down here and see them until they're a little bit older, but that they would have a hard time being away from me at night. My middle one, Dominic, is a nervous child. He likes routine. So is he going to force them to go?? I have no idea. He will be working some while they are up there, so they will be alone with Gracie and her kids for hours at a time. I'm NOT comfortable with that. He may trust her, but I don't. In that house, there are 8 people! It will be 9 with Dave. I think it's crazy. There's Gracie, her 3 younger kids, plus her 23 year old daughter and HER 3 kids..the oldest is like 4. I don't think that's the best environment for my kids. I'm their mother and I think that I should have a say in it. I'm SOOOOO mad. He could have given me a heads up. Let me know at least that he was going to do that. Yes, I would have still been upset, but at least I wouldn't have been blind-sided. Yes, I feel betrayed. I don't care if that's wrong or not. His friendship has meant a lot to me. I haven't been able to let that part go. I may have given up my husband, but I didn't want to give up my best friend. It's hard for me not to talk to him at least once a day. I know that he doesn't need the friendship like I do, but after 13 years of marriage...I don't know how to let that go. It makes me sick to think about. But I can't even trust him a LITTLE now. How am I going to do this? I told him that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything anymore, because he could use it against me at some future date. He said he would never do that and that we can still be friends. Well how do I do that after he's done this? I have thought about HIS feelings and have let a couple of things slide these last months. He was court ordered to pay half the maintenance on the house thru March 2012. He was supposed to get his Air Force life insurance ($200,000) reinstated by LAST March. He hasn't done ANY of it. I'm $1,000 behind on the water bill, because I had all of the other bills to pay every month. He owes at least half of that. I was going to try to start making payments on it, but got a letter saying if I don't pay the FULL AMOUNT by October 20th, that they will be a lien against my house. Well the mortgage company is finally helping me so I don't lose my house, but it says in the papers, that they can't help me if there is a lien against the house!:( So I don't know what I'm going to do about that. If the mortgage company decides not to help me, then my house goes up for auction on December 21st! I have no place to go. I let the life insurance thing slide for so long because he said he would get it done. Well he hasn't. Probably because he doesn't want ME to get any of it in case something happens to him before the youngest is 18! I'm like "seriously??" It's for the KIDS! I STILL don't want to get him into trouble..even after all of this. But since he started it, should I go to the court and tell them that he hasn't been doing what he's been court ordered to do? I told him that we're going to end up hating each other because it's probably going to get ugly. He said he doesn't want it to get ugly and that he'll never hate me. I'm just sooooo upset.;( The depression has been kicking my ass again lately...feel like sleeping all the time and don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel good. I'm sad, angry, stressed out. Now it's going to be like first getting divorced all over again. Didn't think that I would make it thru that, but I did...after a lot of pain, a lot of tears. But then I had his friendship and he was still in the same town. Now he's leaving (it's like he's leaving me all over again). I have to get used to him being gone..not seeing him every day, not talking to him every day. He said that he'll text me and we can still be friends. Yeah like she's going to allow that. Besides, with him, I believe it'll be "out of sight, out of mind." Plus now I can't trust him not to do underhanded things. So now I have to try to let the friendship go too and it makes me sick. I have to force myself not to call him, not to text him, not to tell him what his going on in my life. How do I do that? How am I going to get thru the pain AGAIN?? I just feel like giving up. Isn't it supposed to get better? It's been two years...there has been happy moments...but has things gotten "better?" Not a lot. Maybe it'll take another 2 years, maybe 5..10?? I don't know. But can I stick around for all of it? How much pain am I willing to take? Some days I don't think I can take it at all. Other days, I'm good. WHO am I going to talk to when I need to talk to someone??:(
Sorry for all the rambling and changing topics in here...just not thinking straight right now.
.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
ANOTHER DAY...
Arturo called me yesterday...it's always sooo weird...I start thinking about him or something and then there he is. Told me he sent me a letter that I should be getting in a day or so. I don't know what to make of it all, but I'm willing to have him in my life.
I weighed today and was still 307. So though I didn't lose any this week..at least I didn't gain any either..which is nice. I just have to work harder at losing it. I started taking 2 diet pills yesterday as well instead of just one and it seemed fine. At least it helps with the appetite. Gives me a bit more energy. I haven't felt good today though. Just a stomach flu or something going around. I don't think it has to do with the pills. Will wait a couple of days and see.
I'm not stressing out about Phillip not calling or texting me last weekend anymore. We talked and he apologized. I WAS angry with Dave though. I just can't let go of the friendship and he says he doesn't want to either. He says he doesn't really know how to be a friend, but that he will try to be better. It's all so confusing. It may be weird that I want to be friends with my ex..but he was my best friend for so many years...and it's hard to let that go.
I weighed today and was still 307. So though I didn't lose any this week..at least I didn't gain any either..which is nice. I just have to work harder at losing it. I started taking 2 diet pills yesterday as well instead of just one and it seemed fine. At least it helps with the appetite. Gives me a bit more energy. I haven't felt good today though. Just a stomach flu or something going around. I don't think it has to do with the pills. Will wait a couple of days and see.
I'm not stressing out about Phillip not calling or texting me last weekend anymore. We talked and he apologized. I WAS angry with Dave though. I just can't let go of the friendship and he says he doesn't want to either. He says he doesn't really know how to be a friend, but that he will try to be better. It's all so confusing. It may be weird that I want to be friends with my ex..but he was my best friend for so many years...and it's hard to let that go.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
THE TRUTH!
I was just reading a blog from a totally awesome person. She had got some rude comment, because she had said that she was thinking about having sex for the first time with a guy she had known for 2 months. So then she was afraid of being honest about it. She has lost a lot of weight and feels good about her body, as she should. There is NOBODY out there that can tell a person how to live THEIR life!! Do what you need to do to make you happy. If you are sharing things on a public forum like this one, there will always be people who think they are better than you, are more "moral" than you, who think they are going to Heaven and you're going to Hell. Who are THEY to judge another person???? Did someone make THEM God???? I don't think so. That being said....I have left A LOT of things out of my blogs because of how people might think of me. Either on here or in the small town where I live (in case someone from here stumbles across my blog). But know what??? This is MY blog and MY life and I can do and say what the hell I want to say. I'm still FAT and maybe that's why I do what I do. Another form of self-destruction. Instead of food now..maybe it's sex. I have to deal with that part of myself. Do I feel good about myself?? No, not all the time. Do I feel in control of my life..not most of the time. Sex makes me feel wanted and needed even if for just a little while. To have that connection with another human being. To have someone touch me and desire me, even for just that moment in time. If that makes me a ho, then so be it. I'm not married. I'm not in a relationship. I can do what the hell I want. Have I always been smart about it?? NO. That part, I regret. Will they not want me if I ask them to wear a condom?? So I have to work on that. I don't want some STD and definitely don't want AIDS. I "slept" with a few people before I got married and no I wasn't in a relationship with all of them. I was faithful to my husband for 11 1/2 years...til he decided to bail. In the past two years...I hate to even say it, but I have been with A LOT of guys. It's like I don't have any issue with "sleeping" with a guy that I don't know. Doesn't matter to me. If he calls again, great, if the doesn't...well I expected that. I have become numb to the feelings of love I do believe. That's what I was talking about with Jason. He showed me that I could have feelings again. Yes I'm tired of the FWB thing, but I like sex. The fact that some guys want repeats..well that means I may be doing something "right" or maybe it's just because they know that I'm a "sure thing." Either way, I get what I need...well not always.LOL BUT it's like a drug...I do it, feel good doing it, feel kinda crappy afterwards, am OK without it for a little while and then start jonesing (sp?) for it again. Then it starts all over. I can't even remember all the guys' names that I've been with the past two years. Which sucks really. Sometimes I can't even remember being with them...alcohol does that to you. I always say...OK I'm not going to have sex again until I find someone who really cares about me...but then I'm doing it again. It's like eating...I feel bad after, but can't seem to stop myself. I'm not making excuses. I do what I do. When it comes to going to Heaven or Hell...well it's not anyone here on this Earth that gets to make that call. Thank you for your concern about my soul...but you don't live my life. I don't bring guys to my house. I don't bring guys around my kids. What I do is separate from who I usually am. I'm two different people sometimes. I'm the good mom, the sweet, innocent, shy person that doesn't do anything wrong. But other times..I'm the drinker, smoker of weed (if the opportunity presents itself), the gambler, the whore (if that's what you feel that I am). I have never taken money for what I do. But it's not like I haven't thought about it. What would be the difference? I give it away for free, why not get something out of it for me? But haven't gone that route yet. I would like to think that I never will..but never say never. I HAVE slowed down a bit than what I was doing that first year after my marriage ended. But still having sex with more guys than I should. I know that no guy wants to really KNOW me. That my weight is a hindrance to that. I'm OK to bang, but not OK to be seen in public with. There are a few guys who care about me still..but not enough for a relationship. Yes I guess sex is hooked in with my self-esteem. If that's all the attention that I can get, then that's what I will take. Judge me if you must...but everyone of us has the side of us that we don't want anyone to really know about...and this is mine. Why hide it?? Be who you are.
SO DELUSIONAL....
Well the thing with Jason isn't going to work. I just don't feel right. We hung out again last Wednesday and all...I just feel that him and Kelly belong together and I hope that they can work it out. I will NOT try to come in between two people that I feel need each other. So I may see him at Bingo every now and then, but I don't plan on hanging out with him otherwise. I didn't tell him that yet, but I think it's all good..since neither of us have even talked to texted each other since Wednesday.
As for other guys...seriously..they are all a bunch of jerks. I'm sooo tired of guys wanting nothing but FWB with me. So I'm better off alone, though it sucks sometimes. I would like someone to go to the movies with, someone to go to dinner with, laugh with, etc. But that isn't likely going to happen any time in the near future, so whatever. I have talked to a guy named Sean for over a year..though we stopped briefly earlier this year. I don't feel a great love for him, but we talk and that's fine. I'm not planning on going to Denver just to meet him..how many times have I done that for other idiots?
Arturo...he called me at the beginning of the month..not sure if I said that before or not. Says he wants to get back to the way things were between us..us writing letters, him calling, etc. Well actions speak louder than words. He hasn't called since like the 8th and I haven't gotten a letter from him. Can't trust the guy, so certainly can't go back to "how things were." It's a sad thing because I really fell for him. But he has two things against him...he's a guy AND he's a convict.
Dave (ex) and my oldest went to Denver this weekend to see Daves' ho...sorry girlfriend. Dave texts me and talks to me all the time when he's in town..he still lives here with his sister. I told him that when he goes up there, he ignores me OR treats me like crap. He denied it. This weekend is a perfect example. I have refused to let go of the friendship and he says that he wants the friendship to. Such crap. I texted him yesterday morning because I had to discuss something about the younger two with him and he didn't text back all day. Didn't call to talk to the kids, etc. So I called him last night..he didn't answer, but called back. He said he was sorry but that he didn't get any text. Whatever. He bought Phillip some more stuff up there...always does. But can't seem to buy anything for the other two. I told him that Phillip is his favorite and he denies that too. Well it looks like it to me. Then there's the whole other thing about Phillip. He's 13. I understand he's a teenager. But I do expect him to text me and tell me how things are going. He doesn't have to call. Well he did neither. I told Dave about it and he said "I'm sorry I thought he had been texting you all day. I will talk to him about it tomorrow." Well...it's now like 1:40pm and I haven't heard from either one of them. Dave knows what pisses me off and still does it. It hurts that Phillip couldn't even text me. I texted him last night and asked what was going on...and nothing. So I guess he thinks that since his dad treats me with disrespect, that he can too. So I'm NOT happy. They are coming back today...and I don't want to deal with either one of them. What's the point? I'm pissed off at both of them and I can't pretend otherwise. Not even with Phillip. He'll know that I'm pissed off right away and then he'll be "I'm sorry mom." I'm tired of that crap. He doesn't give a crap...just like his dad. I love Phillip with all of my heart..just like I love the other two, but I'm not going to put up with him treating me like this too. So if he wants to live with his dad and his aunt..then so be it. They will have to figure out how to get him up and to school since they both work in the mornings. They would only really have to worry about Wednesdays and Thursdays considering his aunt his off on Mondays and Tuesdays and they don't have school on Fridays. My mom will kick my ass for that, but oh well. Will see how it goes. If he wants to stay here, he's going to have to start treating his brothers better, he's going have to show me some respect, follow some rules and help around the house. I'm pretty sure he won't do any of those things.
The diet pills...I can take up to 3 a day, but have only been taking one since I'm sensitive to caffeine. Well I think that starting today, I'm going to try 2 and see how it goes. If it turns out bad, I'll go back to one. I weigh tomorrow and will let you know how that goes.
As for other guys...seriously..they are all a bunch of jerks. I'm sooo tired of guys wanting nothing but FWB with me. So I'm better off alone, though it sucks sometimes. I would like someone to go to the movies with, someone to go to dinner with, laugh with, etc. But that isn't likely going to happen any time in the near future, so whatever. I have talked to a guy named Sean for over a year..though we stopped briefly earlier this year. I don't feel a great love for him, but we talk and that's fine. I'm not planning on going to Denver just to meet him..how many times have I done that for other idiots?
Arturo...he called me at the beginning of the month..not sure if I said that before or not. Says he wants to get back to the way things were between us..us writing letters, him calling, etc. Well actions speak louder than words. He hasn't called since like the 8th and I haven't gotten a letter from him. Can't trust the guy, so certainly can't go back to "how things were." It's a sad thing because I really fell for him. But he has two things against him...he's a guy AND he's a convict.
Dave (ex) and my oldest went to Denver this weekend to see Daves' ho...sorry girlfriend. Dave texts me and talks to me all the time when he's in town..he still lives here with his sister. I told him that when he goes up there, he ignores me OR treats me like crap. He denied it. This weekend is a perfect example. I have refused to let go of the friendship and he says that he wants the friendship to. Such crap. I texted him yesterday morning because I had to discuss something about the younger two with him and he didn't text back all day. Didn't call to talk to the kids, etc. So I called him last night..he didn't answer, but called back. He said he was sorry but that he didn't get any text. Whatever. He bought Phillip some more stuff up there...always does. But can't seem to buy anything for the other two. I told him that Phillip is his favorite and he denies that too. Well it looks like it to me. Then there's the whole other thing about Phillip. He's 13. I understand he's a teenager. But I do expect him to text me and tell me how things are going. He doesn't have to call. Well he did neither. I told Dave about it and he said "I'm sorry I thought he had been texting you all day. I will talk to him about it tomorrow." Well...it's now like 1:40pm and I haven't heard from either one of them. Dave knows what pisses me off and still does it. It hurts that Phillip couldn't even text me. I texted him last night and asked what was going on...and nothing. So I guess he thinks that since his dad treats me with disrespect, that he can too. So I'm NOT happy. They are coming back today...and I don't want to deal with either one of them. What's the point? I'm pissed off at both of them and I can't pretend otherwise. Not even with Phillip. He'll know that I'm pissed off right away and then he'll be "I'm sorry mom." I'm tired of that crap. He doesn't give a crap...just like his dad. I love Phillip with all of my heart..just like I love the other two, but I'm not going to put up with him treating me like this too. So if he wants to live with his dad and his aunt..then so be it. They will have to figure out how to get him up and to school since they both work in the mornings. They would only really have to worry about Wednesdays and Thursdays considering his aunt his off on Mondays and Tuesdays and they don't have school on Fridays. My mom will kick my ass for that, but oh well. Will see how it goes. If he wants to stay here, he's going to have to start treating his brothers better, he's going have to show me some respect, follow some rules and help around the house. I'm pretty sure he won't do any of those things.
The diet pills...I can take up to 3 a day, but have only been taking one since I'm sensitive to caffeine. Well I think that starting today, I'm going to try 2 and see how it goes. If it turns out bad, I'll go back to one. I weigh tomorrow and will let you know how that goes.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
FAT BURNERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
Well I started taking "VPX Meltdown" on Sept. 20th. Actually, I had taken it a couple of weeks before I went to Wisconsin as well (for a week). I lost 10 lbs in one week then! But there are side effects..some anxiety, sweating, chills, nausea. But in order for it to work, I guess you need at least the sweating and chills..though it makes you feel like you have the flu. Which sucks. But if it works, it works, right? I stopped taking it for a week before the Wisconsin trip, because wasn't sure how it would react with the Dramimine that I would need to take on the trip. I had a weird experience when I went out on the 3rd...I don't know if I its because I drank more alcohol than usual (I don't think I did..but could be wrong) or if it was the diet pills and the alcohol was just metabolized differently. Either way, it scared the hell out of me. I couldn't even walk, because things were spinning so fast and that has NEVER happened to me before. I had to call my ex to come get me (he wasn't thrilled) and he had to help me walk. Also embarrassing, because this is a small town and, at one point, I was actually laying outside on the sidewalk with people asking if I needed them to call an ambulance! Needless to say, I will be embarrassed to go out again here!!LOL But seriously, felt like I was going to die. So will just watch the alcohol while I'm taking this pill...just in case. I don't drink that often anyway and I don't go out as much as I used to. I weighed when I first got back from Wisconsin and was 316 lbs...yuck...plus hadn't taken my prescription water pills in like 5 days..and I usually gain about 5-9 lbs of water weight when I miss them. So that was the 20th..when I started taking them again. Today I was 307 lbs. So that is 9 lbs gone...though I know some of it is water. I will take it for another week or two and see what happens. I would like to commit to it for at least a month and then I can see the actual numbers. But have been feeling kinda crappy the past few days..not sure if the diet pill is to blame or not. Guess we will see.
I didn't tell you much about Jason. Well, he's 33 (I'm 42). I really didn't think that I could feel anything for anybody anymore...just a sex thing or if I spent any time with a guy, I was always thinking of other things I had to do or places I need to go and trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation. NOT with Jason. He is amazing. He's taller than me, cute, sweet, funny, not embarrassed to be seen with me in public (hey believe me a lot of guys seem to be), kisses awesome..and the whole time I was with him, I was having FUN. Not wanting to be anywhere else. Well I don't know how HE feels and that sucks. I guess if I don't mean much to him, then at least he showed me that there ARE still guys out there that I CAN care about and have fun with. So I'm grateful for that. But it's a complicated situation. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights. His mom and GIRLFRIEND, Kelly, go as well. Well his gf...she went back East about 3 weeks or so ago...her 23 year old son was killed by a train along with his best friend (female) when they were drunk and trying to cross the train tracks at night. She tripped and he went back for her. Horrible, huh? I can't even imagine. She also has a grown daughter back there and a 6 month old granddaughter. Well she found out that her daughter is popping pills. So she is going to try to get custody of her granddaughter and is thinking about joining the Army..she's 41. So last Wednesday, I went to Bingo and he was there alone and we get along great. He asked me if I ever went out and I told him I do sometimes by myself but that I hate it. He said that maybe we can hang out sometime. Which shocked me, but made me happy.:) So we went (along with my grown niece...who he knows) to play poker on Saturday night. I sucked. Anyway, I had to give him a ride home after (about 20 miles away). He asked if I wanted to go out first, so we went to a couple of bars and had a couple of shots..him more than me, since I was driving. We played pool, walked around and had fun. He asked if I would consider FWB...I am sooo over that, but said I would consider it for him, because I really like him. He said that him and Kelly had been on a website for awhile for swingers, with no results and asked how I felt about all of that. Well if anyone knows my background..they know that I was on a couple of adult sites myself at one time. So I told him that and he was relieved that I wasn't judging him. He told me that he had even talked it over with Kelly! That he asked her if it was OK if he hung out with me and if something happened, then it happened. She said that was fine. Weird, right? I asked him where is relationship with Kelly was right now, since they have been together for 4-5 years. He said that it has run it's course, that he will always love her, but she may not even come back to Colorado and he doesn't plan on leaving. He has an 8 year old daughter who lives nearby and he won't leave her. He has been married once before and says he won't get married again and that he wouldn't marry Kelly and she knows that. But you know how people say they meet someone and KNOW that they're going to marry that person? That's the way I feel about him. I may be delusional, but that's how I feel. He lives in a remote area that doesn't have the best cell service. So he says not to freak out if I don't get texts from him all the time, but we have exchanged e-mails. He sent me one Sunday night, but not since. I have sent him a couple, but nothing too serious..I just hate the waiting.:( It sucks. So who knows where this will go if anywhere, but I'm hoping that it does. Wish me luck!
I didn't tell you much about Jason. Well, he's 33 (I'm 42). I really didn't think that I could feel anything for anybody anymore...just a sex thing or if I spent any time with a guy, I was always thinking of other things I had to do or places I need to go and trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation. NOT with Jason. He is amazing. He's taller than me, cute, sweet, funny, not embarrassed to be seen with me in public (hey believe me a lot of guys seem to be), kisses awesome..and the whole time I was with him, I was having FUN. Not wanting to be anywhere else. Well I don't know how HE feels and that sucks. I guess if I don't mean much to him, then at least he showed me that there ARE still guys out there that I CAN care about and have fun with. So I'm grateful for that. But it's a complicated situation. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights. His mom and GIRLFRIEND, Kelly, go as well. Well his gf...she went back East about 3 weeks or so ago...her 23 year old son was killed by a train along with his best friend (female) when they were drunk and trying to cross the train tracks at night. She tripped and he went back for her. Horrible, huh? I can't even imagine. She also has a grown daughter back there and a 6 month old granddaughter. Well she found out that her daughter is popping pills. So she is going to try to get custody of her granddaughter and is thinking about joining the Army..she's 41. So last Wednesday, I went to Bingo and he was there alone and we get along great. He asked me if I ever went out and I told him I do sometimes by myself but that I hate it. He said that maybe we can hang out sometime. Which shocked me, but made me happy.:) So we went (along with my grown niece...who he knows) to play poker on Saturday night. I sucked. Anyway, I had to give him a ride home after (about 20 miles away). He asked if I wanted to go out first, so we went to a couple of bars and had a couple of shots..him more than me, since I was driving. We played pool, walked around and had fun. He asked if I would consider FWB...I am sooo over that, but said I would consider it for him, because I really like him. He said that him and Kelly had been on a website for awhile for swingers, with no results and asked how I felt about all of that. Well if anyone knows my background..they know that I was on a couple of adult sites myself at one time. So I told him that and he was relieved that I wasn't judging him. He told me that he had even talked it over with Kelly! That he asked her if it was OK if he hung out with me and if something happened, then it happened. She said that was fine. Weird, right? I asked him where is relationship with Kelly was right now, since they have been together for 4-5 years. He said that it has run it's course, that he will always love her, but she may not even come back to Colorado and he doesn't plan on leaving. He has an 8 year old daughter who lives nearby and he won't leave her. He has been married once before and says he won't get married again and that he wouldn't marry Kelly and she knows that. But you know how people say they meet someone and KNOW that they're going to marry that person? That's the way I feel about him. I may be delusional, but that's how I feel. He lives in a remote area that doesn't have the best cell service. So he says not to freak out if I don't get texts from him all the time, but we have exchanged e-mails. He sent me one Sunday night, but not since. I have sent him a couple, but nothing too serious..I just hate the waiting.:( It sucks. So who knows where this will go if anywhere, but I'm hoping that it does. Wish me luck!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
UPDATE ON ME:)
Can't believe that it's been so long since I posted on here! Time goes by way too fast sometimes. I turned 42 on August 31st. Still hard to believe that I'm in my 40's!LOL Been doing so so with the weight thing. Have been taking a fat burner a bit and it seems to be helping some. Still have a long ways to go though. I have been walking more again and that has made me feel better. My favorite time to walk is at night...love the stars! Sometimes one or more of my three sons goes with me..if I can talk them into it.:) I went to Wisconsin the weekend of September 16th for a Job Corps reunion. I actually went to Job Corps in Montana back in 1989-1990, but one of the girls, Heidi, has a nice place in Wisconsin, so that's where it was held. Only a few of us showed up this year, but it was sooooo much fun!!! It's beautiful there! The weekend went by too fast though...like it always does. I miss the people and just being able to relax. Looking forward to next year already! Not sure where it will be held next time.
I haven't really been seeing anyone...decided that my life isn't so bad the way it is. I don't need a guy to make it better..though it would be nice to have one around to hang out with from time to time. I have started hanging out some with a guy names Jason..he's 33. He's pretty cool, so will see how that goes. I don't have any expectations.
Arturo called me a week before my birthday and said that he was being transferred...he's at a "better" prison now. They have more freedom. I thought that since he hadn't called in 2 months that he wasn't "allowed" to. Nope...he just didn't call me. But now he said that he wants "to get back to the way we were" and that he's sorry. He's the one that has put the distance up between us. I think he has tried to call a couple of times since then, but I have missed his calls. I can write to him now and he can write to me, but he hasn't and neither have I. I really don't know what to say. Things change when you push people away.
The boys are doing good in school. Even my oldest doesn't give me any trouble about getting up and going to school this year! Thank God! It is usually a pain in the ass getting him up and out. I know he still has issues at school with some people bullying him, but not as bad..or so he says. I plan on keeping an eye on that. He's 13 and 5'11 already!!! Passed me up! Kinda strange to have to look up at your kid!LOL The younger two are doing good as well. I went on a field trip with each of them last week..it was a lot of fun and they were happy that I went.:) I better enjoy that while I can..they won't always want me around!! I wasn't able to go on many field trips with Phillip, because I has the younger ones and I feel bad about that.:(
Dave is now thinking AGAIN about moving to Denver to live with his girlfriend. Whatever. I have finally let go of the fact that I can't control what other people do. If he wants to move that far away from his kids, that's on him. Phillip is upset by it all..but has also decided that he doesn't care (though I know that he does). Phillip has started having panic attacks and anxiety.:( I feel sooo bad..because I have that too and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm going to call a therapist and see if I can get him someone who he can talk to and maybe can help him with it all. Oh, Dave had picked me up from the airport in Denver when I came back from Wisconsin, because I didn't have anyone else to do it and we're still friends. His gf, Gracie, wasn't happy about it. Of course, he didn't tell her until the night before. He doesn't like conflict and so he waited even though I told him not to. So she felt that he had been lying to her. Anyway, I told her that she may have taken my husband from me, but she wasn't going to take away my friend and that was that. I also told her that she SHOULD be worried and should always be. If a guy leaves his wife for another woman, then that other woman should always be concerned that he will do the same to her. She will just have to live with it. Yes I can be a bitch sometimes, but it's true. She may have been upset when he came and got me, but why should I care? They didn't give a crap that I was upset when he left me. I thought we had gotten past all of this BS in May when I met her. Guess not.
That's all for now.:) I will start writing on here more.:) Hope everyone is doing great!!
I haven't really been seeing anyone...decided that my life isn't so bad the way it is. I don't need a guy to make it better..though it would be nice to have one around to hang out with from time to time. I have started hanging out some with a guy names Jason..he's 33. He's pretty cool, so will see how that goes. I don't have any expectations.
Arturo called me a week before my birthday and said that he was being transferred...he's at a "better" prison now. They have more freedom. I thought that since he hadn't called in 2 months that he wasn't "allowed" to. Nope...he just didn't call me. But now he said that he wants "to get back to the way we were" and that he's sorry. He's the one that has put the distance up between us. I think he has tried to call a couple of times since then, but I have missed his calls. I can write to him now and he can write to me, but he hasn't and neither have I. I really don't know what to say. Things change when you push people away.
The boys are doing good in school. Even my oldest doesn't give me any trouble about getting up and going to school this year! Thank God! It is usually a pain in the ass getting him up and out. I know he still has issues at school with some people bullying him, but not as bad..or so he says. I plan on keeping an eye on that. He's 13 and 5'11 already!!! Passed me up! Kinda strange to have to look up at your kid!LOL The younger two are doing good as well. I went on a field trip with each of them last week..it was a lot of fun and they were happy that I went.:) I better enjoy that while I can..they won't always want me around!! I wasn't able to go on many field trips with Phillip, because I has the younger ones and I feel bad about that.:(
Dave is now thinking AGAIN about moving to Denver to live with his girlfriend. Whatever. I have finally let go of the fact that I can't control what other people do. If he wants to move that far away from his kids, that's on him. Phillip is upset by it all..but has also decided that he doesn't care (though I know that he does). Phillip has started having panic attacks and anxiety.:( I feel sooo bad..because I have that too and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm going to call a therapist and see if I can get him someone who he can talk to and maybe can help him with it all. Oh, Dave had picked me up from the airport in Denver when I came back from Wisconsin, because I didn't have anyone else to do it and we're still friends. His gf, Gracie, wasn't happy about it. Of course, he didn't tell her until the night before. He doesn't like conflict and so he waited even though I told him not to. So she felt that he had been lying to her. Anyway, I told her that she may have taken my husband from me, but she wasn't going to take away my friend and that was that. I also told her that she SHOULD be worried and should always be. If a guy leaves his wife for another woman, then that other woman should always be concerned that he will do the same to her. She will just have to live with it. Yes I can be a bitch sometimes, but it's true. She may have been upset when he came and got me, but why should I care? They didn't give a crap that I was upset when he left me. I thought we had gotten past all of this BS in May when I met her. Guess not.
That's all for now.:) I will start writing on here more.:) Hope everyone is doing great!!
Friday, August 5, 2011
OVERWHELMED
Saw the doctor about my MRI. He wants to send me to Physical Therapy, so guess will try that for awhile.
I got paid the other day and it goes on my credit card. I went on-line to pay itunes. I owed $38.99. Well I kept getting an error message saying my credit card and billing zip code weren't matching or whatever. So I kept trying like an idiot. Well then I call my credit card to see what is going and all of a sudden I don't have that much money on my card. Why? Because even though it wasn't going thru on my end, it was on itunes!:( I was charged $38.99 ELEVEN times. That's over $400!! So I contacted both itunes and my credit card. Saying that they can have the $38.99, but I want the rest back on my card. I was supposed to hear from itunes within 24 hours, well it's been 48 hours now and I haven't heard I wss sooo pissed that I did something so stupid!! I need that money for bills. The credit card company said that it could take up to 5 days for it to be put back on my account..so on the 8th. itunes BETTER fix this.
My weight hasn't gone anywhere. I haven't lost any, but haven't gained either. I'm pissed off about this. I give up all of the good foods and I don't lose anything. So much for trying. But I will keep trying and will start getting off of my lazy butt and exercise.
I got paid the other day and it goes on my credit card. I went on-line to pay itunes. I owed $38.99. Well I kept getting an error message saying my credit card and billing zip code weren't matching or whatever. So I kept trying like an idiot. Well then I call my credit card to see what is going and all of a sudden I don't have that much money on my card. Why? Because even though it wasn't going thru on my end, it was on itunes!:( I was charged $38.99 ELEVEN times. That's over $400!! So I contacted both itunes and my credit card. Saying that they can have the $38.99, but I want the rest back on my card. I was supposed to hear from itunes within 24 hours, well it's been 48 hours now and I haven't heard I wss sooo pissed that I did something so stupid!! I need that money for bills. The credit card company said that it could take up to 5 days for it to be put back on my account..so on the 8th. itunes BETTER fix this.
My weight hasn't gone anywhere. I haven't lost any, but haven't gained either. I'm pissed off about this. I give up all of the good foods and I don't lose anything. So much for trying. But I will keep trying and will start getting off of my lazy butt and exercise.
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