A LOSS

There has been so much that has happened in the past month & a half that I don't even know where to begin.  I don't have a lot of time to write right now, but wanted to at least get some things out there.

One of my best friends, Jennifer died on September 17th of a heart attack in her sleep.  She was only 34.  I was at Bingo with her the night before & she seemed fine.  I later learned that she couldh't sleep that night & at around 6:00am, her husband told her to go lay down & rest for awhile.  She also texted another one of her friends around that time.  He went to check on her at 7:00am & she was already gone.:(  Just like that.  She was this wonderful, amazing person who should still be in this world & I'm pissed off that she's not.  She had an amazing voice & would always be singing, sometime under her breath...don't even think she knew she was doing it at times.  I told her that she should go on "American Idol."  She told me that she wouldn't embarrass herself like that.  She had the voice for it, but she was overweight & society looks down on that.  I'm not sure what really caused the heart attack...maybe it was inevitable...the whole "it's just your time" thing.  But not long before she died, she had started that new diet program "Thrive."  She was so excited about it.  She was a cashier at Wal Mart & when I went in there one day, she was telling me how great she felt, that she had so much energy & she wasn't hungry.  That she had lost like 10 lbs in 2 weeks.  She wanted me to try it, but I just hadn't yet.  Wasn't really interested in trying it.  I have been on so many diets & none work, so I was just like "whatever."  After she died, I wondered if that had anything to do with it.  There are a few stimulants in the pills that you have tot take.  Synephrine {sp?} is one of them.  I don't even know if it says what's in it on the bottle, but I looked it up on-line.  It says that it raises blood pressure, heart rate & can cause heart attacks, especially in someone who has an underlying condition.  Well not everyone knows if they have an underlying condition. I don't know if she had one or not.  But here are other stimulants in there as well, plus if she had been drinking drinks that had caffeine in them as well {I don't know if she was or not} that would make things even worse.  I guess we will never know what really caused it.  They did an autopsy & that was the final ruling.  She & her husband would have celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.  They had been together for 14 years, I believe. They met on-line.  She was from Florida.  I have known her husband since we were kids.  When she first came out here to meet him & then to live here, I was pregnant with my middle son & working at McDonald's. She started working there as well & we were instantly friends.  Even though I'm a lot older than she is.  I turned 46 at the end of August.  So weird to be this old.  I would forget that she was so much younger than me. Her husband is a couple of years younger than me, I think. She was so full of life.  She was loud.LOL  You could definitely hear her when you walked into a place where she was.  She had a great laugh, always looked on the bright side.  They didn't have any kids.  I couldn't imagine her as a mom.  She just wasn't that type of person to run after a kid.  Both her & her husband worked hard, but never seemed to be able to just relax & get ahead.  She worked at a few different jobs.  Most recently as a manger at Subway.  Which I think she liked, but it was a stressful job.  She started working at Wal Mart a month or so ago & loved it.  She liked that she wasn't in charge, I think.  Though she had that personality to BE in charge.  I asked her the night before she died how work was going & she said "relaxing."  She was happy.  She totally loved her husband more than anything.  Even after all the years that they were together, she was still as in love as she was at the beginning & he was too.  I have talked to him briefly since she died & as you can imagine, he is lost.  I don't think he'll ever get over losing Jen.  She was also really close to her mother-in-law. I'm sure she is just as lost.  She would come to Bingo with her & was always with her.  I haven't gone out to see them yet.  I'm sure they have enough going on as it is.  They are having a memorial service for her tomorrow afternoon.  I expect there to be a lot of people.  I don't think she knew how many lives she touched.  She gave everyone a chance, the benefit of the doubt, even though most people didn't give her a chance.  When you're overweight, you're overlooked a lot.  I know this & so did she.  But she was the friendliest person that you could ever meet.  Talking to everyone like she had known them for years.  She was loud, funny, caring, hard working, loyal.  Any words that I may put here don't do her justice.  You had to have known her.  But now she's gone forever.  I still have really accepted that yet.  That I will never see her again or hear her voice.  I keep asking her for a sign that she's OK.  But haven't gotten any yet.  Maybe there isn't anything after we die.  I know that you're supposed to have faith & I try.  I have always believed that there was something after death, but I want to KNOW that my loved one are OK.  I want to know that they still exist.  I don't know who to be mad at.  God, the Universe, Fate.  I just don't know.  She was cremated & part of her will be sent back to Florida to her parents & sister & the other part will stay here with her husband.  I can't even imagine what her parents & sister are going through.  They hadn't seen her for awhile, because she couldn't afford to go down there.  I'm just sad.  

I will write more soon.