INTERESTING TIMES....

Well my weight sucks.  I have erased some of the weight entries..since it seems to pretty much stay the same from month to month.  I will keep weighing weekly and posting it on here.  Then maybe just keep the end of the month weights...see what I lose from month to month.  I don't know.   All I know is that I either have to really try or just give up.  I can't be "in between." 

I haven't told anyone who knows me about my blog.  Until the other day...when I told a friend in Florida about it.  He is also a friend of my 19 year old niece.  I told him not to tell her and he asked why.  I told him that because there are some things I post on here that I don't want my family or anyone around here knowing about.  I can only hope that he'll respect my wishes.  I love my niece immensely, but she is like her mother (my youngest sister).  She will use whatever information she has on you against you if it suits her purposes.  Sorry to say and a sad thing as well...but true.  I was going to tell a couple of other friends from other parts of the world, but I am re-thinking that right now.  I don't need to be freaking out that other people will find out..the ones who I don't want to find out.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid..but this is something I do for me..not for everyone around here.  If that makes any sense.

OK...now for the "trouble brewing" that I was talking about the other day.  The night of the reunion..Dave & Gracie came in a little later than me.  Things seemed OK at first, but as the night went on, they didn't seem in a very "happy" mood.  I had gone over a couple of times to ask if they were having a good time and to try to be "friendly."  They said that things were fine..,though clearly they weren't.  Then they left..I didn't even know they had gone.  Later on, Dave comes back by himself.  He wasn't happy.  I asked what was going on and he told me he would tell me later.  So I left with him...he gave me a ride down to my moms'.  We drove around for a few.  I don't remember a lot of the conversation, because I had been drinking.  Anyway, she had brought her 12 year old daughter with her, so Dave wasn't going to stay at the hotel with Gracie.  OK, I understand that.  But she was upset with him because her birthday was on the 7th (when they were in Seattle) and he hadn't given her anything.  Well I think he gave her a card.  She was upset about this and said she didn't feel like a girlfriend anymore.  So he dropped me off at moms.'  I was going to the class picnic the next day with the kids and asked if he was going and he said probably not.  He later decided to go...but Gracie had left early that morning.  She told him that she can't support them both, that he had better get his finances in order, that she needed some space, that she wasn't even sure that her landlord would let another person live in her house, since there are so many living there already!  REALLY??!  She didn't seem to be concerned about that when Dave put in for his transfer in March.  So if it had gone thru before now, what would have happened?  He would have no job here, a job in Denver..with no place to live?  She's making excuses.  I had always thought that if they had spent any real time together (instead of a weekend here and there for the past 3 1/2 years), that it would be totally different.  She also said that last weekend had "weirded her out," whatever that means.  So after their week in Seattle and then the weekend she had here..she all of a sudden decides that she needs to back off a ways.  She KNEW he had money problems the whole time....or she should have anyway, by the way I talked.  He DOES have some serious income issues at the moment, but that's on him.  She barely texts him now and they haven't talked on the phone since Sunday.  He's really upset, angry, etc..but isn't going to 'push it.'  Won't "beg" her to be with him.  He's going to stop to his transfer..which he says should end it for good...but "oh well."  REALLY??!  He gave up everything and then he's not even going to fight for what he gave up everything for??  THAT kinda pisses me off.  Do I want them together?  Not really..never have and I haven't lied about that.  But he was going to move away from his kids to be with this person..he hurt his kids by not listening to them, begging him to stay.  For what?? For nothing.  How do I know all of this? Because guess who he turns to???  Yep..me.  Should I feel sorry for him after all the crap he's put me and our kids thru the past 3 years??!!  HELL NO!  Yet I kinda do.  He hates being alone.  So now here he comes around me again.  How many times have I heard him tell me he's just "not in love with me anymore?"  That he's happy with her, he loves her, that we have nothing between us except for the kids?  That I need to move on, quit being so pissed off about it, etc?  How many times did I beg him to give us another chance and make a fool out of myself??   Yet now, he wants to have a "sex thing" with me.  Wants to kinda hang out with me, is texting me before work, etc.  Yet just a week ago..he was all about her!!  WOW.  I asked him if it would just be a "sex thing" and he said "yeah for now."  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  That he's waiting for her to come around again and if she doesn't, then I'll be "good enough" to be with?  Well guess what?  I don't want to be "settled for."  I want someone who loves me and respects me, who WANTS to be with me and who isn't thinking about someone else.  Because, believe me, there would be NO WAY I could EVER trust him again.  If he did it once, he'll do it again.  That if she snaps her fingers tomorrow, in 3 months, in 6 months, in a year...that he'll be gone.  I wouldn't do that to myself and I sure as hell wouldn't do that to my kids.  Of if not her, then someone else.  Do I still love him?  Yes I do.  I will always love him.  I want us to always be in each others' lives.  I want us to be there for the boys.  But the past few days have shown me that he really doesn't have any respect for me at all.  That he's willing to "use me," until she comes back or something better comes along.  Yes I would be using him too..but that's not the point.  She turns her back on him for a FEW DAYS and doesn't pay attention to him...and already he's running back to me.  What kind of person does that?  What kind of love is that that he had for her?  I don't like being alone.  Never have.  But I have kinda gotten used to it over these past few years.  Should I "settle" too and let myself be used?  Nah.  I may not be thin, beautiful and all of that...but I'm worth more than that.  Would love to hear some of your opinions on this.