LIFE

The boys had their bowling tournament last weekend in Denver.  It went really well.:)  They had a good time.  Though Dominic (my middle one) has anxiety some & likes his "routine," so it was a little hard for him...but all did well.  Matthew (youngest) got his highest score ever...201!  He was so happy & excited.  I'm proud of him.  We went to the mall while we were there.  Their aunt had given them some money & then my oldest. Phillip, got paid that weekend from his job...which helped a lot since he could buy his own things.  I reached my goal on my funding site, which was amazing.

I know that a lot of people probably think that Colorado is cold most of the year...or at least cooler in the mountain areas.  That hasn't been the case in years.  I have lived in a small town surrounded by mountains for most of my life.  It has been getting into the 90's & up starting in May for a long time.  This year....totally different.  It has been cold, raining, snowing...being pretty crazy.  I don't like it really hot, so I love the cooler weather & am not complaining.  Just strange that it's like this.  I could do without the wet snow though...it just turns everything into slop.  My mom's driveway turns into nothing but mud.  I love the rain though, the thunder & lightning.

I haven't been doing so great on the low carb thing.  I did manage to lose 16 lbs...but have been hovering there for awhile  We don't have any money for food right now, let alone low carb food.  So I have been eating a lot of what I shouldn't be.  It makes me feel crappy...physically & mentally.  I really want to get this weight off.  I also want to feel better.  My joints have been hurting a lot lately.  The inside part of my knees gets really stiff & when I go to stand up...it really hurts.  Not sure if it's arthritis, the Fibromyalgia or a combination.  I'm tired A LOT.  I don't sleep well at night.  I keep telling myself that I'm going to start exercising "tomorrow," but then never do.  I think it would help me to feel better if I did.  I just have to get off of my lazy ass & do it.

I have still been talking to the guy in West Virginia.  It's kinda hard to do right now though, since I don't have a phone for a few weeks.  Being broke pretty much sucks.  I keep thinking that I should try to get my job back at Wal Mart, but then I have days like I have had for the past few days & not sure that I CAN work.  It's rare that I feel good.  I know that there are people out there working that feel worse than I do.  I'm just not good at working when I'm hurting or feeling sick.  Calling in isn't the best idea...especially if it's on a regular basis.  So I'm trying to figure out how to make myself feel better first & then see about working again.  Anyway, I"m still going to try to do low carb...I still have a few things around the apartment that are low carb...though not many.  I don't know how anyone can be anorexic.  I love to eat too much to starve myself.  I have tried.  All is does is make me feel sick & also leads me to binge eating.  NOT a good thing.  As I have gotten older, I also have come to find out that my stomach doesn't like a lot of things that it used to like.  Which is annoying.  It may change from day to day too!  I eat something one day & feel fine...eat the same thing that next day & it makes my stomach hurt, or makes me tired or makes me nauseous.  I hate being nauseous & hate throwing up...so bulimia is out too.  I'm not making a joke here.  I know that anorexia & bulimia are real problems.  I'm just saying that I couldn't be either.  Though I DO want to be thin.

I have started feeling "panicky" again.:(  I hate it.  I used to have panic attacks ALL OF THE TIME or at least feel that anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  The Effexor has helped both with the depression & anxiety, so not sure why it's coming back.  I can't handle it.  I think I'm just freaking out about the future, though I try to live in the now.  Too much stuff to think about.