HEALTH

I am soooo not good at coming up with titles.  
Went to the doctor yesterday because my knees are killing me.  I live in an upstairs apartment...so that's always a fun thing.  Looks like there is fluid around them...all puffy, etc.  Thought she might just drain them & put "shots" into them.  Nope.  She DID order x-rays but basically told me that losing weight would help.  My lower right leg swells up often & is getting darker because of blood vessels bursting (that's what I got from the explaination anyway).   I'm supposed to be wearing compression socks on a regular basis...which I haven't been.  I get mad at my ex for doing the same thing I have apparently been doing...if I don't acknowledge it...it's not happening.  Stupid, I know. I have known for most of my life that I needed to lose weight.  Have always been on one diet or another.  I can never stick to them because I love to eat.  Bottom line.  But I have to quit having a love/hate relationship with food.  Have to stop thinking about it all the time.  When I'm eating breakfast (which I rarely do), I'm thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch, etc.  Wondering if I should eat this or not eat that.  Feeling guilty as soon as I eat something.  I used to just ENJOY the food when I was eating it.  Not worry about the consequences.  It hasn't been like that for a long time, yet I keep eating too much & feeling like crap.  As I have gotten older, I have found that there are foods that I can't eat anymore...like eggs.  I love those things, but they aren't worth the pain that it causes me.  I was drinking protein drinks until they started making my stomach hurt for hours after...because they contain milk.  Bread or any other carbs make me tired,...and make me gain weight.  I know that I'm all over the place with this post & most, if not all, of my other ones will be like this too.  I just write as it comes to me...which means that I'm here, then I'm there, then back here again.  I apologize for that.  It's just who & how I am.  Exercise & I...well I'm OK as soon as I start doing it...but it's just getting to that point.  After my fiancee left me last August I started exercising every day.  Usually for an hour or more.  Felt good.  I had motivation...hoping that it would make him come back to me.  Yeah another stupid idea.  What I'm getting at with that is, I wish that I would have just kept it up instead of quitting when I realized he wasn't going to come back to me no matter what I did.  Instead I let myself gain this weight back again.  I'm frustrated & annoyed with myself.  I need to get healthy.  To be there for my kids for as long as possible & to feel better.  It's not easy for me to make changes.  It would be so easy to just bury my head in the sand & go on like I have been, but that would just make things worse.  I don't want my life to be like an episode of "My 600 lb Life."  I get so pissed off at those people when they come up with excuses as to why they can't lose weight or whine that they can't do it, sneak food & sabotage themselves.  Yet I do the same thing.  I'm taking responsibility.  I let myself get this huge & now I have to get un-huge.  It won't be easy for me.  I usually start out with a bit of motivation & then quickly lose it.  But I'm tired of being in pain, not feeling good, being tired all of the time, not being able to fit into clothes that I want to fit into, looking fat in pictures, being invisible.  I don't want to end up like a woman I saw at the doctor's office.  Heavier, older, using a cane, having to be on oxygen.  I don't want to be that person who other fat people look at & think to themselves "well at least I'm not THAT fat."  Yes we do that to each other.  As long as there are other people fatter than us, we tell ourselves that we're OK still.  We're not though.  So here is to losing weight & feeling better.  To NOT quitting anymore.