FACING FEARS....

I was able to go to hang out with my friend, Tracy. It was a good day. Went to see the movie "The Woman in Black." Excellent movie!! I loved it! It's hard to find a good scary movie anymore.

I have been doing better about letting Dave go. We talked some and I would rather try to remain at least a bit friendly than to hate each other. I did have some words with Gracie by text, but have decided that doesn't get anyone anywhere. So have decided to just ignore her. Haven't seen the mediator yet..I need to get that set up. Phillip was still blaming himself for the divorce, so I sat down with all 3 boys and explained to them that it wasn't their fault, that sometimes people just grow apart. I need to make my own happiness and that's all that is important now..my happiness and the boys' happiness. I can't control what Dave does or doesn't do. Believe me, that's hard for me to let go of that control. I just can't be so angry all the time...it isn't good for my health physically or mentally. I miss what Dave and I used to have. If we could go back to that..that would be one thing..but we can't. There is no way that I could ever trust him again. Without trust, there is nothing. From the comment on my last post...yes I do have to learn to love myself first. I do to an extent, but not as much as I should. I will be working on that.

Phillip turned 14 on the 13th!! That's hard to believe!! I took him out to dinner and might go see a movie tomorrow night. He also got some headphones for his XBOX..he was very excited about that. Plus he got a book and a basketball. He is really into basketball right now and I hope that it stays that way. I think it will be good for him. He asked me the other day who will play basketball with him after Dave leaves. I told him that I could see about getting him a "Big Brother." I think they have that organization around here as well. Someone in their 20's or 30's would be good for him.

Dominic and Matthew are both dealing with things in their own way. Dominic stays most weekends with my mom and step-dad now. I think it's his way of distancing himself from Dave. I'm not sure. Matthew told Dave that he doesn't want him to move and the he'll miss him. But I think it just went in one ear and out the other. I really hope that Dave doesn't do what I think he will and just forget that he has kids. I know he loves them, but he gets caught up in what is going on in the moment...and that won't be them once he leaves.

I got my first tattoo on the 13th!! I can't believe I actually did it!! It is on my left forearm and says "Believe." It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm sure it hurts more in other places.

Valentine's Day was pretty good this year, even though I don't have anyone. I'm learning that I don't need a guy to complete my life. I would like to eventually have a guy in my life, but if it happens, it does. I'm not going to worry about it. Is this really me talking??LOL

Louie and I aren't friends anymore.:( He pretty much just basically told me in a message on Facebook, that I hope that I know what I have lost and good bye. I was hoping we could remain friends, but I guess not.

Heard from Arturo...same ol'. Says he still loves me and wants to be with me. That he's sorry that he hasn't kept in contact. I'm like whatever.

Bruce (my first love), who lives in Alaska, has decided to move on, since he doesn't see how we could ever be together with me down here and him up there.:( Life is definitely never easy.

I haven't lost any weight over the past couple of weeks....haven't gained either, so that's good. I'm doing decent about not eating a lot, but the exercise thing isn't going so great. Need to really work on that. Right now, I would just really like to get to 275 lbs. Then go from there.