NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR...BUT STILL

I did end up going to Colorado Springs...let's just say...it's both horrible and funny. Depends on how you look at it. Brian IS a nice guy. We had talked on the phone for a few weeks and decided to meet and then I was going to stay the night down there, because I don't like driving after dark (it's a 2 hr drive). So I get down there and we meet..it's all cool. We talk some. We go out to dinner...OK, it was just a small Mexican Restaurant near his place..but...he didn't even offer to pay! It wasn't THAT much...but I was like "Okay." So I paid. While we were at the restaurant, he tells me that he has some homework to do (this was on a Saturday). He has gone back to college..anyway, he had to do an essay. I said it was no problem, that I could read or watch TV for awhile. So we go back to his place. He hands me the TV control for the TV in the living room and I sit down to watch TV while he goes in the bedroom to do his homework. About an hour later..I'm thinking that I haven't heard him and it HAS been an hour, so I go in to check and he's SLEEPING!!!! So I'm not too happy at this point. It's only about 8:00pm!! So I write him a note saying pretty much that I drove all that way and that if I had wanted to watch TV by myself, I would have stayed home. I then gave him another half hour. I heard him wake up and move around some. I thought he would come out or call for me at least. Nope. Pretty soon I hear him snoring again. So I'm like "fuck this." I leave the note, get my stuff and leave. Yep, even though I hate driving after dark, I drove the 2 hours home. Around 12:30am, I text him and say what the hell happened and he's like "I don't know." Then he asks me if I'm still in the living room!!! I had woken him up! He apologized and all of that, but REALLY?? I mean, he had never gone to sleep that early during the time that we had been talking..we always talked until midnight or after. I can take a hint. So whatever there might have been, definitely isn't there anymore. He texts every now and then and I answer..but it's not the same.

Then Dave did what I really didn't think he would ever do...he put in for his transfer on the 7th. He works as a correctional officer at a prison near here. He's been there for 11 1/2 years. He put in for a transfer to Denver..since his bitch lives there (sorry but I will never like her). It may take up to 6 months. So who knows when he'll actually go. OK, I will admit that I thought that he would change his mind, come to his senses, and stay here where the kids are. I will also admit that I haven't gotten totally past him. We talk every day. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him. He has been in my life for 15 years. How do I let go???? Yes, we can be friends he says. Well that's kind of hard to do when I think I'm the only one holding on. He has Gracie. We had a major fight that night. I was pretty psycho. I just lost it. I yelled that he had pretty much been constantly hurting me for the past 3 years, yet he gets everything...has a new car, a new woman, a new family, is moving to a new city, a new job..a new life and I get crap. I have a house that isn't in the best condition (but at least it's a roof over our heads) that I have to start paying for next month (he was court ordered to pay it thru March 2012. I have a jeep that is fine around town..but I wouldn't trust it to go that far out of town. He's leaving me to raise our 3 kids alone. He says he'll see them as much as he can. He's delusional. When is he going to have time to see them when he lives almost 3 hours away? He's not automatically going to have weekends off, the kids are in school during the week, plus have activities on the weekends. He's bailing on his kids and it pisses me off. I told him I had had enough, told him "fuck you and fuck this life..I've had enough." Got into my jeep, put the keys in the ignition and he tried to grab them..we fought over those for a few. He didn't want me leaving, since I was going to drive off a cliff or something. He was telling me how much the kids need me, etc. I KNOW that. But I am so hurt and so tired of hurting. Anyway, as you can see, I didn't off myself. I know that I need to be here for my kids. I don't want to leave them and I don't really want to be dead. But when I think of having to live without Dave...it makes me feel sick and panicky. I mean, he see the kids every day. I see him every day. We talk on the phone some, text a little. We don't really hang out anymore, but I know that he's there for me if I need him. When he goes up there...he says that he'll still text me, etc. I'm thinking "yeah sure you will." Does he think that SHE is going to let him text me? No. But he doesn't want to believe that. So I have decided that I have to get used to not talking to him now..before he actually moves. I know I have to talk to him some, because of the kids, but, for the most part, I just don't want to talk to him..but yet I DO!!!! It's driving me crazy. I WANT to text and call him. I haven't done either since the night of the 7th. He had texted a couple of times since then, but I haven't answered. I hate that before, I would text him about something serious and he would ignore me. But this is more than a payback. I need to distance myself somehow. It's killing me though. I want him in my life sooo bad. But how pathetic is that?? He obviously doesn't need me. Probably doesn't give me a second thought. He went to Denver this weekend. She had something "special" planned away from the house, so he told Phillip that he couldn't go this time (in case he wanted to). Whatever. I just want to beat her ass. What gives her the right to go after a married man? I don't know what to do. It kills me not talking to him, but I need to distance myself from him. If I don't. I'll never get him out of my system. Just so hard for me to ignore him.