I feel so out-of-control sometimes. So angry, upset, pissed off that I don't know what to do with myself. Dave and I had an argument last night on the phone..why can't I just accept this?? Today we have texted some, but basically...I don't even know. I just want some answers I guess. I texted him this big old long thing..I will write it here as well. I'm just tired of hurting, ya know? So here it is:
I need to ask this. How can you just kick me out of your life after 15+ years? How can you just stop talking to me and caring about me after all that time? I don't understand. I guess some people can do it, but I can't. How did you stop caring about me and wanting me in your life? I really need to know. It's important. I understand that you want to be with her, but did I mean so little to you that when you move you're going to ignore me or treat me like I don't exist? I don't get it. It's not all about me either. It's about the boys,. How can you just not be there for their programs, sports activities, their lives? I know you said that you would see them 'when you can,' but do you think that's OK with them? That their dad isn't at their games? What if it was that way when you were in sports? Wonder if your dad never came to any of your games or matches? How would you have felt? You need to put yourself in their place Dave. Yes I'm their mom and I will be there for them, but boys need their dad too. Not just every once in awhile, when "he can." I know you love them, but do you love her more? I don't get it. I could never pick someone over my kids. I could never find someone and then decide that 'hey I want to be with him, so you're going to have to live with your dad and I will see you when I get a chance." What THEY hear is 'I would rather be with this other person rather than you guys. Sorry but my happiness comes first.' You need to sit down with me and explain all of this to me Dave. It's unresolved. You can't just keep say 'I don't know.' That's not closure for me OR the boys. You have to be honest with us and yourself. WE were your family and we deserve that. Will it make me feel better? Probably not, but at least I would have some questions answered. If you care more about her than you care about your kids, then you need to say that. You have to tell me how you can just walk away from it all? You say that I can call you and/or text you. What are you going to do...sneak off to call or text me back? What are the boys and I supposed to do if we need you? Do you think that we just stopped caring about and needing you just because you stopped caring about our feelings and needing us? We didn't. You say I keep saying the same shit over and over. Well did you ever think that maybe it's because you have never given me any answers? You never want to talk to me. I don't know if it's her telling you what to do or not to do, or if it's just you. Quit saying you will ask her if you can be friends with me or whatever. If it's really YOU who doesn't want to be in my life, then just say it. You say that you two don't act like you're better than me, but you both do by the things that you say. I have apologized numerous times for the failure of our marriage and you haven't apologized ONCE even though you're the one that left. I know we can't go back Dave. But where is the respect? I'm the mother of your kids and you treat me like I'm nothing. I don't deserve that. I'm good enough to talk to and joke around with and be friends with when you want cigarettes, a pop or whatever, but I'm not good enough for those things any other time? You want me to accept her and that I will never do for numerous reasons. If you want a list, I can give that to you. You want me to just send my kids up there so she can take care of them and do whatever she wants to them while you're at work and I can't do that. Would you want me leaving them with some guy for hours at a time? Try to see this from my point of view."
There was a few more things, but that was the main part. I asked him if he would answer those questions for me and he said that he would, but that there were a lot of questions, so to give him some time. I'm like you've had 2 1/2 years. I'm just lost here. I think about suicide every day now. I love my kids. I love my family, my friends. I don't want to be dead. I just want this pain to go away. It should have by now. But I just couldn't let it go, so now I'm going thru this hell AGAIN. I barely made it thru the first time.
4 comments:
I am very sorry to hear what your family is going through. My parents separated when I was young and this is very reminiscent of the relationship my parents had during/post-divorce.
I am also upset and concerned to hear you're thinking about suicide. As someone who has both attempted and been affected by completed suicides, I urge you to talk to someone - a counselor or therapist, ideally. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems - no matter how stressful they seem, they can all be improved, I promise. If for no other reason, think about your sons - they need a loving, caring, attentive parent in their lives.
Again, I strongly recommend seeking a professional ear to work through these feelings with, but also, I'm always here if you want someone to talk to [asmallloss at gmail dot com]. ♥
Thoughts of suicide should be taken seriously. I don't know you personally, but you must seek professional counsel.
Get help, for your children's sake.
Make your mental health your number one priority, right now.
Last year, I fell in love for the 1st time.. I thought I had loved before, but this last relationship made me realized I hadn't. It was an amazing relationship. I thought we would be together forever, after all, they told me that. After all her bad relationships (she had had a lot), I thought they would be on top of the world meeting someone who was nothing like all those others.
It lasted just 5 months before she ended it. I still do not understand why or how she could do that. Everything was great. I never said a bad word to her in all that time. Our lives together was shaping up to be amazing. I had never been so blinded as I was in the end. She ended it via a facebook message and then ignored all communication attempts. For the first time in my life, I was devastated. I had opened up and trusted her like no other.
I still do not understand how she can walk away from what we had.. but after a time, you realize that some people are just bad shit crazy and there is no logically explanation for their actions.
Time does heal. I turned all my pain, time and focus to losing weight. I have dropped 80 lbs and feel great. I have a full life and very happy. Does it still hurt? yes, a little.. but time does heal all wounds. Focus the pain into something productive and be happy regardless of others.
I think the message to him was definitely something that needed up be done. You need to move on with your life so it's important that you have given him a really good opportunity to tell you the answers. I really hope he responds to them.
I also agree with Kris. When you're thinking suicidal thoughts, it's important to seek help, even if it's to a friend or local doctor just to have a chat and get things off your chest. Sometimes talking to others is a good way to release stress instead of letting it build up.
You are are great mum, you're there for your kids, whether you're having a good day or bad day, you're there supporting them because you're a fantastic, loving person. Never forget that.
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