I haven't written here for a little while...mostly because I'm just overwhelmed with life right now & don't feel like doing much of anything. I know part of it is depression. I know a lot of it is because I'm in pain most of the time of some sort. I have had the CAT scan done (didn't like it at all) & everything is negative...except I do have a small hernia. She now wants me to have a colonoscopy and scope....they won't do it here in town because apparently I still owe them money from 4 years ago. Would be nice to have gotten a bill. Anyway, she was going to see about me getting it done in Colorado Springs (2 hours away). Jeff's mom lives down there, so it wouldn't be too much of a hassle. I last saw my doctor on the 13th...either her office or the office in Colorado Springs was supposed to contact me about it...they haven't yet. I don't think I need those things, but if she wants them done so she can rule out even more things, then so be it. But quit taking her own sweet time, ya know? I saw a different doctor in the same office on the 18th because I was in so much stomach pain. He's an older doctor & sometimes I think they know more & care more about their patients. He read some of her notes, etc. He pushed on my stomach some, on my lower back some (it has been causing me some pain as well..I told my other doctor that, but she didn't seem overly concerned about it). He ordered an x-ray of my thoracic spine. Says that he thinks there might be some nerve issue going on there. But he doesn't think that my pain has anything to do with my high eosinophil count. My doctor was really on top of things at first, trying to figure it all out...and now I feel that she has totally dropped the ball. I'm frustrated & discouraged. I was taking two Aleve every morning for joint pain & she said that was fine. This other doctor told me to stop taking those & just take Tylenol for the pain. Since stopping the Aleve...I haven't had any since the 18th...my stomach feels a bit better, but I have had headaches & my joint pain is pretty bad. My neck hurts a lot...I have Jeff massage it some, but nothing seems to really help. So I basically traded one pain for another. I have gained 8-9 lbs over the past few weeks, which I'm freaking out about. I didn't want to be anywhere NEAR 300 lbs again...but, as of yesterday, I'm back up to 298. So started low carb again yesterday. I will NOT gain all of the weight I have lost back. Last time when I had stopped working about 8 years ago...I GAINED 75 lbs!! That WON'T happen again. I won't let it. I'm tired a lot...when I'm this tired...I refer to it as being "bone tired," because that's what it feels like...everything is just tired. I wouldn't mind staying in bed all day, every day. But I can't & won't. I am trying to be there for my kids, for Jeff. I think it sucks that he has to take care of me, though he never complains about it & tells me he loves me all of the time. My kids are always asking how I'm feeling. Dominic told me one day when I told him I didn't feel good "you're always sick." It made me very sad. Because it's true & he shouldn't have to deal with that & neither should his brothers. I feel like a failure as a mom, girlfriend, person. I won't say that I hate myself, because it's not to that point yet, but headed that way. There are things to look forward to in the coming months, if I can afford them, so try to think about those things instead of how I'm feeling now. Not always an easy thing to do. Right now...my neck is killing me. I took some Tylenol & may go lay down with an ice pack in a bit to see if that will help any.
In other news...I dyed my hair purple. Yeah I know..I'm weird. It was supposed to come out a darker purple, but my hair just doesn't "hold it" like that, so it's more of a light purple. There is still some blonde as well. I think it looks OK & Jeff loves it, but I do get some weird stares & sometimes comments. Which is hard for me, because I don't like the attention...but what did I expect with purple hair, right? I may try to do it one more time & see if I can get it any darker, then will post a picture on here. Otherwise, I will just leave it as it is & let it fade out over time.
I took Dominic to WWE in Denver on the 17th. Rode up with a couple of girls that I used to work with. It was fun until we stopped in Colorado Springs to eat. I knew better than to eat. Anyway, I was in a huge amount of pain from that point on...so for like 12 hours. Was debating on whether to go to the ER somewhere, but didn't want Dominic to miss out on the show. He loves wrestling. So I dealt with the pain...which wasn't easy. Haven't had my stomach hurt THAT bad in a long time. The show was awesome, I must say!!:) We ended up having a good time anyway.:) Though I was afraid that I had ruined it for him. But all seemed good. I drove the whole time...except for Colorado Springs to Denver. But I drove until then & then all the way back. Which I didn't mind. One of the girls borrowed her mom's car, since hers didn't have the room for everyone. I knew that Phillip & Matthew wouldn't be too happy with me for not taking them as well. Matthew, whom is 10 & I thought would take it the worst, took it better than Phillip who is 16 did. Phillip just threw one of his fits...basically just a huge attitude...refused to go to school the next day. I mean REALLY?? He turned 16 on the 13th & has gotten a serious attitude going...though he had a bit of one before that. He seems to think that because he's like 6'2 & 330 lbs, that I won't knock him on his ass. But he's trying to do better in school & is now in fencing on Wednesday nights. I'm not sure what it is he likes about fencing...but he does & I think it's cool that he is actually interested in something other than sleeping.
I got my income tax back & am now trying to find a car for $3,000 or less. I would like to just buy it from someone & not a dealership, because I can't afford monthly payments really, but haven't had any luck finding anything. It has to be like an SUV or something bigger like that to fit all of us. I would like it to have less than at least 120,000 miles. A girl I know is selling her vehicle & will take $1800 but it has a huge amount of miles on it. I don't see the point of paying that much & then having to get work done on it in the near future, ya know? But the boys have a bowling tournament in Pueblo next weekend (2 hours from here) & I need a vehicle. Being without one for almost 4 months is enough.
My mom...things have gotten worse. She's really depressed, has no energy, looks a lot older. As you may recall, my step-dad died last July. She's just lost. It's hard to see her this way. I'm starting to feel like that when I lost him, I lost her too. She's cranky a lot. Even Dominic, who stays with her every weekend, has noticed that she's always in a bad mood. Not only that...she says mean things to me. I don't know what that's about...but it hurts. Just things about my weight or whatever. I don't even know if she realizes that she's being mean. She has asked me a couple of times why I'm being a bitch. So I have told her it's because she sometimes says hurtful things to me & she says that she didn't mean it that way or whatever. I honestly think that she doesn't realize she's being mean. I just miss my mom. That's all. Makes me want to cry.
My grandma (dad's mom) did end up leaving a will. Not sure if I had mentioned that earlier. I got a copy of it. It's just basically a piece of paper with things typed out on it. She signed it in front of a notary who had come to her house. So my aunt & cousin knew that she had a will & I don't see why they just didn't come out with it to begin with, instead of 3 1/2 years later. Anyway....well...she said in this will that my sisters & I were to have NOTHING!!!! She actually put it in capital letters & used the exclamation marks as well. Even my cousins, whom she didn't like at all when we were growing up, get ONE thing of hers as she put it. I didn't want anything, but I also didn't know she hated me. Maybe it's because I didn't really go see her in the last years of her life. Well, I had young kids to take care of AND she had my cousin Mark living there with her & her daughter & he's a sex offender...likes little boys...which I had at the time. So WTF?! My cousin, Brenda, whom she pretty much hated when we were growing up, gets $5,000 if the house is sold because she was around to help out in my grandma's later years...and Mark will get $5,000 as well for being there. So whatever. They can all kiss my ass. Brenda & I used to be close, but I have been a horrible friend/cousin in recent years, just because of life being crazy. No excuse though. Anyway, I texted her after I read the will & told her that it didn't matter what was said in the will, that I loved her anyway & that I would like to hang out some, but it was up to her. Never heard anything back. So I guess that's that. Yet another dysfunctional family thing. I can't even apologize to my grandma. I just have to let it go. Which is hard for me...as some of you may know. I have a hard time just letting anything "go." But I'm working on that part of me.
Guess that's all for now. Thank you for listening to me vent. Hope all of you are doing well. :)
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