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Monday, August 3, 2015
Thursday, July 16, 2015
FAT SUCKS
I suck at this whole diet thing. Always have...that's why I am the way I am now. I'm good for a day or two...then "fall of the wagon." I love food. Always thinking about food. Obsessing about food. It's annoying. I don't know what "normal" is where food is concerned, but that's what I want to be. I want to be able to eat without overeating, I want to be able to have the things I like in moderation...but once I start eating ANYTHING with carbs...it's done. I can't even do just the one meal a day with carbs...because I get out of control. Then I just want more. I can't "carb cycle" for the same reason. Maybe if I had money to get low carb food with, it would be different? Who knows. Right now, we eat what we have to eat. Which is pretty much nothing low carb. I binge...way too much. I haven't been exercising, but have been drinking more water. I'm just basically disgusted with myself, food, being fat, etc. I just need to figure out what works & do it. I just so need to figure this out.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
NEED TO DO THIS!!
I keep saying that I want to lose weight, etc...but I don't even really try. I might as well admit that right now. I'm lazy basically. I don't like to exercise...though I feel better after. I don't drink enough water, don't stay low carb like I know I need to. But enough is enough. Otherwise I'm going to keep saying the same thing over & over again until I'm like 600 lbs or something. I know that diet pills don't really work, but I have some left over that I might use again. I didn't really use it the first time when I bought them...so still have plenty left. It's "Leptopril." It's supposed to suppress your appetite some & give you more energy. If that's the case, then I'm all for it. If I wasn't constantly hungry (or thinking that I am) & if I had more energy, I think it would be a whole lot easier to lose the weight. So going to start that today & see how it goes. I have eaten a TON of carbs over the past few days. I haven't weighed yet today...but yesterday was 315.:( I have been around 310. I know that I need to at least TRY & not half ass it & waste my time.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
THE CONFEDERATE FLAG, DUKES OF HAZARD, ETC.
This may piss some people off...but it's just my opinion. I don't see why we can't just get along & learn to deal with each other & our differences...but guess that's not going to happen any time soon.
"On June 23, 2015, retailers Wal-Mart, Amazon.com, Sears Holding Corporation (which owns Sears and Kmart), and eBay all announced plans to stop selling merchandise with the Confederate flag. Similarly, Warner Bros. announced that they were halting production of "General Lee" car toys, which prominently feature a Confederate flag on the roof."
I don't even know how to go about saying this. The Confederate Flag is what it is. It's a part of history. I don't think that it should be taken out of stores, or off of State buildings in the South, or that "The Dukes of Hazard" should be taken off the air. It doesn't cause hate. People do. Hate is passed on from generation to generation. White parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate black people (or other races), black parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate white people. I feel that organizations like the KKK & other white supremacists groups shouldn't be allowed anywhere near kids & that they shouldn't be able to have any kids to carry on their hate. I feel that it's child abuse. That's just my opinion. Who made Dylann Roof hate black people, Jews, Hispanics & "East Asians?" Who knows? Yes he hates them all according the a manifesto the police found. They found pictures of him holding a gun & a Confederate Battle Flag. So....if he was holding a United States Flag...would we be getting rid of those too? The KKK isn't helping matters any. They plan to hold a rally on July 18th on the grounds of the South Carolina Statehouse in support of the Confederate flag. The South is still VERY racist no matter that it's 2015. I don't get it. I don't hate people for the color of their skin. I don't HATE anyone. I judge people based on their actions. Who cares what color their skin is? If I'm "racist" against anyone, it's against the KKK. Does that even make sense?? I actually DO feel a bit of hatred for them & people like them. They are ridiculous & they are cowards who dress up in bed sheets & pillow cases. The white race is no better than any other race & I'm not sure who told them they were. Slavery was a horrible thing. The flag is just a flag. Tomorrow people will be offended about something else. So to the KKK & all other racists out there....get over yourselves & you might as well quit deluding yourselves into thinking that God thinks it's OK to do what you're doing. To the black people out there....slavery should never have happened in the first place, however, you can't keep using that as an excuse whenever you're in trouble TODAY..you can't keep saying that all white people are against you. Not all are. So to ALL races out there...quit hating each other, quit killing each other, quit blaming each other. We are all supposed to be here or we wouldn't be.
Now if none of this made sense to you or I contradicted myself...which I'm sure I did in all of that...I'm not a writer, I'm not a brain. Thoughts come into my head & even though they make sense in there...it's hard for me to put it on paper or in this case on here. So cut me a little slack when I go on my rants.
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!
I can't believe that it's July already!! I had the chest x-ray & blood work done. The x ray showed some residual something or other (I really need to write this stuff down!) & I will have to have another one around the 22nd of this month to make sure that whatever is there is cleared up. If not, we will have to see from there. All of my blood work came back OK. So she wants to check those nodules on my thyroid. Not sure how they go about doing that. Also to talk to me some more about all of my other blood work. I hate having to wait...especially the whole doctor thing. I just want to know things NOW!lol I still get short of breath easily, but that could be because I'm fat. I still have a cough with some crap in my chest. Other than that, I don't feel too bad. A few days earlier in the week...I was sweating like crazy. Yes most people DO sweat in the Summer...but this was running down my face sweating, which is unusual for me. I wasn't even really doing anything at the times that it happened. I was helping mom clean a house, but I had just gotten there & hadn't really done anything yet. I could be in peri-menopause (I'm too thrilled). I will be 46 next month. I have had my right ovary removed because of a cyst...that was over 14 years ago. I had 2 more kids after that. I know guys may be reading this too...and for this next bit...I'm sorry..LOL I only had my period maybe 2-3x last year. This year I have only had it once & that was in January. It was pretty heavy then...yuck. I don't miss it. I DO, however, get period cramps from time to time....which are more annoying than anything else really.
The weight loss thing...when I was sick...I had "gotten down" to 303. Have been back up to around 311 & yesterday was 308. Now that's better than the 327 I got up to a few months ago, but I don't want to be in the 300's AT ALL. I haven't been exercising at all...that's just me being lazy. I need to start. I have been trying to drink more water. I have to pretty much not eat anything to lose weight & it's annoying. I try to stick to mostly low carb, but I'm not totally low carb. If I feel deprived at all, then I binge. I don't think that I eat as much in the Summer as I do in the Winter...just because it's too hot & I feel sick if I eat anything other than like fruit. I'm not a big fan of fruit & vegetables, but I know that you need those things. I have also found that I pretty much can't eat after like 6:00pm. If I do, I will be sick later that night. It seems that no matter what I may eat...it just doesn't sit well with me at that time. I have heartburn a lot. I take Prilosec every once in a while for it, but not on a regular basis. The bad thing is...I WANT to eat after 6:00pm!!LOL I can go all day sometimes without eating, but then want to eat at night, which isn't a good thing. But I don't like feeling sick to my stomach. So I just need to figure some things out. I want to be below 300 lbs before my birthday at the end of next month...it's only 9 lbs til I get there....you think that I would be able to manage that, but we'll see.
I have had a little extra money this month...so I should be all happy & calm & not worried about anything...well I fucked up. I have NO self control. I think that sometimes I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous. I spend way too much money on scratch tickets, Bingo & on-line gambling sites. Well mostly just one. I win some...but most of the time it's not enough to cover what I have spent. So instead of being relaxed about it all, I'm a little stressed. I have no one to blame but myself. I haven't told anyone & don't plan to. I write it here & tell you guys & that's enough. I'm concerned about being judged to an extent, but if you write a blog, I guess that's something that you just need to accept. I'm not sure why I like to gamble like I do...maybe it's the thrill of winning something. The adrenaline rush. All I know is that if I DON'T win at the time, I feel totally guilty & tell myself that I won't do it again, but then I do. We are OK for now.
I wanted to go to N. Dakota to see one of my best friends whom I haven't seen in 24 years! But since I waited until now to see about tickets for later this month...they are a little more than I can afford. I can get them now for around the beginning of September...which would be cool, but the kids are in school then & I don't have anyone to get them up & off to school. So not sure what the plans will be. I don't want to go up there in the Winter as they get a lot of snow & she lives 3 hours from the airport.
A word of advice...never look at your exes gf's FB page.LOL Well...I'm not sure why..but she unblocked me. I was just messing around one day & typed her name in & found that out. But I think that she hides most of her stuff & definitely anything about Jeff. There are no pics of him or any mention of him in the posts that I'm able t o read. The only reason I know that they're still together is because of a comment someone left her about the two of them. I had been thinking about him a lot & guess that's why I was looking at her page. Our 3rd anniversary would've been June 26th, his birthday is this month, next month it'll be a year since he moved out, etc. Just got to me. The messed up thing is I still miss him in a way. I definitely miss his friendship. But I know that I can't go back. SO...I'm not looking at her page anymore. He moved on a long time ago. I just need to let it go.
My step-dad has been gone for 2 years yesterday. Sometimes it seems like that long & other times it seems like it just happened. I miss him a ton. It still really bothers me. I know that death happens to all of us, but I don't have to like it. I'm also just trying to figure out what I believe & don't believe as far as Heaven, God & everything are concerned. Like I think I have said before, I believe in reincarnation...or I at least hope that's how it goes. I just freak out about not existing anymore. I freak out about my mom, kids, etc. not existing anymore & not ever seeing the people I love again who have already died. When I was so sick last month, I literally thought I was going to die. I felt sooo bad. I don't make a good patient. The unknown really bothers me.
I need to write here more. I keep saying that & then go weeks without writing anything & then I have so much to say! I'm sure it gets a bit overwhelming reading my posts when I jump around so much.
My ex-sister-in-law invited my mom & I over for a barbecue this evening, so we're going to be going there & then watching fireworks from here house. They shoot them off of "Tenderfoot Mountain" & that's pretty much in front of her house. They were actually selling fireworks this year...in recent years, we haven't been able to have a fireworks display, because the weather was so dry & we had to wait until Labor Day weekend for them to do it. But we have been getting some rain this Summer, so that's cool.
That's a picture of Tenderfoot from downtown. Some people may think that it's weird that my ex sister in law invited us down there, but my kids go & yes my ex will be there with his gf, but we get along OK now. So it's really not a big deal. I still get along with his family even when I wasn't getting along with him.
I hope everyone has an awesome 4th of July!! Be safe!
Monday, June 22, 2015
GETTING BETTER
I have been starting to feel a bit better. I still have a cough & some stuff in my chest, but the fever has stayed gone & my oxygen levels are like 94%, so that's all good. I went back to the doctor for a follow up on the 16th. She wanted me to let her know immediately if the fever came back & that we would just have to be careful about the whole pneumonia thing from now on. I go back for another chest x-ray on the 24th & also some blood work. The spots on my thyroid showed up during the CAT scan, so she's going to do a blood test & see what's going on with that & "keep an eye on it." Also check me again for diabetes...because I basically have pre-diabetes, check my cholesterol, etc. I have a "fatty liver," which I have known about for a little while. They ask if I drink. I used to go out & drink quite a bit, but haven't in a long time & it was never on a regular basis. I know that high fat foods can cause that as well. So we'll see how it all goes. My kids are doing good as far as getting over being sick goes. Matthew still has a cough going, but he also has seasonal asthma, so he's better if he uses his inhaler when he needs to. Phillip isn't working anymore. It came under new management & they just didn't think he was fast enough, but that maybe after school starts again & Summer is over, he can try to go back. I thought it was nice of them to say that he could go back if he wanted to. I don't know if he will or not. I told him that this Summer, he can do some school stuff (he goes to the alternative high school & can work on different things for credits), start seeing his therapist again (he has anger issues & depression) & lose some weight. He would feel better if he did. I think it would be easier for him since he's only 17 & he's a guy. They seem to be able to lose weight faster than women. He just needs to find the motivation to do it. To go for walks or whatever & to not eat so much & definitely not eat the carbs like he does. It frustrates me that he's so unmotivated to do anything. I hope that he figures it out soon.
My niece (the one who lives with my mom) has been stressing even me out a bit these days. She says they can't afford to move out & get their own place. Well they are going to have to figure out a way. They don't help mom around the house at all. They live there basically for free. Bring home food for themselves & not even ask mom if she wants anything. They go to the mountains on a regular basis to "find rocks." Yes they find some cool ones sometimes & are even able to sell some of them, but that's not going to pay rent. He also works on cars some...but when they do have money, they blow it fast. Instead of putting it aside for rent or whatever, they are going out to eat, buying new clothes, etc. They have lived with mom for over a year now. She also has a couple of dogs. Mom has really never really liked dogs...not big ones anyway...and Justine has a pit. Mom puts up with that one & the other little dog that she has. But Justine is always looking in the paper for dogs or cats & then she gets mad when mom says that there is to be absolutely NO MORE animals brought into her house. Justine KNOWS this, but continues to look & then get's all pissed off when she can't have one that she likes. Then Brandon (her bf) left his dog with his ex since he can't have it at mom's. Well now she says that he either takes the dog or she's going to take it to the animal shelter, so they are flipping out about that & want mom to let them have the dog at her house. WTF don't they understand about no more animals?? Half the time (more so really) MOM is the one that is cleaning up the dog poop in the yard. They don't. Even though mom doesn't like their pit, she's the one that makes sure she has water when it's hot out. They do to an extent, but not on a regular basis. It's just a bunch of different things that they do or don't do that is stressing mom & everyone else out. Yes my kids stay down there some....but it's mostly Dominic & he helps out when she asks him to. She'll ask Justine to do something & it rarely gets done. My youngest sister, Cindy, was up over the weekend (Justine's mom). Cindy has been with her fiancee for quite a few years now & they have a 4 year old daughter together, Jasmine. Plus his son from a previous relationship, Nathan. They all came over to visit & do some other things. They hadn't seen Maximux (Justine's son) since he was born in February, so they were excited to see him. Cindy bought Max some "swimming diapers" so that they could all go up swimming yesterday. Cindy was even paying for it all. Well Justine didn't want to go because it was "too hot" out....ummmmm....that's why you go swimming, right?? Cindy was disappointed. I don't blame her. She hardly gets to see them. It's not like Justine & Brandon don't drag Max out to the mountains or wherever when it's hot out. She was just being rude. No Cindy wasn't the best mom to Justine (she was 14 when she had her)...but she's trying now & is much better with Jasmine. Justine should make the effort to at least be civil. Family crap is always stressful. I have always tried to keep the peace, but it's not always easy to do. I agree with mom about the no pet thing, it IS her house. Plus mom is still dealing with the death of her husband in July 2013. She still has a hard time with it. She has health problems & I don't think she needs the added stress. She doesn't want Max living in the truck or in a shelter or whatever, otherwise she would just kick them out. They need to get their own place. They would be happier too. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't want me there. Mom loves Max but refuses to get too attached, because of the way Cindy was with Justine. It's a whole other story, but basically mom loved Justine so much & Cindy (who was on drugs at the time), would use that against her. As in "you'll never see her again if you don't do this or act like this," etc. She did the same thing to me, but I still love Max totally. You just have to hope that things will be a bit different & if they're not, then you deal with it then. I know I ramble a lot, but just needed to vent some. I love my niece, but she & her boyfriend really need to get themselves together & figure out how to rent a place.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
PNEUMONIA
Yep it totally came on all of a sudden. It's a bit of a story, so if you don't want to hear it (it could be boring)...then I totally understand. My middle son had been sick the last 2 weeks of the school year. I was trying not to get it. I hate being sick any time of the year, but when it's warmer out, it seems worse to me. Plus I get a little paranoid anymore because I had gotten pneumonia in June 2012 for the first time ever...and it was a horrible experience. Once you've had it, you're more likely to get it again. I had an pneumonia vaccination about 2 years ago...they say you need one every 5 years. I started feeling like crap on June 2nd...tried to ignore it. Mom & I had plans on the 3rd to meet some family friends up in the mountains to spread the ashes of another family friend. I went ahead and went because I didn't feel "too" bad. We had to walk a ways to spread the ashes...up a hill...OK...for one I'm fat. So I knew I wasn't going to make it the entire way to begin with...no way. But I also had that crap starting in my chest...I'm wheezing & coughing, etc. I made it a ways, but that was it for me. I went & waited in the truck...feeling embarrassed really. After we made it back home that afternoon...I decided that I had better go to Wal Mart before I felt worse. My youngest was with me. Coming back to the apartment, I grabbed some bags & came up...that was it...I was done. I told Matthew that I was sorry, but that he was going to have to bring up the rest. I just couldn't breathe. He was awesome & did that & put things away that needed to be put in the fridge or the freezer. Mom called later & said that I probably had pneumonia again & should go to the doctor. I didn't listen to her soon enough the first time, so went ahead & went to the doctor the next day. By then, I had started running a fever around 101. I don't get fevers a lot. She listened to my lungs, etc, etc. Said that I just needed to rest, if it got worse to let her know, but she didn't hear anything in my lungs. By that night...I was miserable, so went to the ER...of course, after I had managed to make myself get out of bed (the chills were crazy), having 2 of my kids go with me, I get to the ER & I'm sweating. My fever had come down some & they didn't see a need for a chest X-ray or anything, so he gave me a prescription for antibiotics & sent me on my way. The next 3 days are a blur of thinking I was dying, having chills so bad that they hurt (which I would prefer) OR feeling like I was going to burn up & spontaneously combust. It was bad. Matthew did what he could, be wasn't feeling great by then either. He would bring me ice water, cold washcloths, turn the fan on or off, etc. I sipped a lot of water, but had no appetite. I couldn't bring myself to go back to the ER...I didn't feel like walking downstairs & driving there really. My mom came around some insisting that I DID have pneumonia, the doctor was stupid, etc. I didn't want her around too much, because I don't want her getting sick or getting my 4 month old great-nephew sick. I even called the doctor on Saturday or Sunday & told her how high the fever had gotten...103.4. She said "the virus just needs to work it's way out of your body." I told her I had gone to the ER. She asked me what their "diagnosis" was & asked why they gave me antibiotics. So whatever. Monday, I call and make an appt, because I just can't deal with it. I feel like I'm dying. I just want someone to DO something to make me feel better again. I had a 2:30pm appt & my ex husband is the only one who could take me. Luckily, we now talk civilly. I get down there, get a "mask," they tell me I look like hell & I go sit down. 30-40 minutes LATER...people have come in after me & have already been seen & left...keeps happening. I'm just trying to stay alive at this point. Wonder if people can see that I'm melting. My ex is just about to say something to someone, when one of the nurses comes out to get yet another person & asks me if I'm OK. I'm like no. So they get me in...my temp is 103.7. They put one of those oxygen things on my fingers. It takes a while to register and then it stays around 85%-88%...then it just turns off. Well I'm HOT, but my fingers are freezing. She tells me that sometimes it can't get a reading. Shows me how purplish my fingernails are. She still can't hear anything in my lungs. So sends me to the ER. She calls over there first, so when I get there, they're expecting me, which is good, because there are a lot of people in there. They bring me a wheelchair & I go back for blood tests & a chest x-ray. The doctor on call, the same one who was there Thursday night when I was there, seems surprised that they didn't do all of these tests then. OK? So we wait...and nothing. Then a nurse comes back in for more blood, they are now checking for blood clots. More waiting...the blood test comes back positive, so now they want to do a CAT scan to look for blood clots. So I get that done..at the very end of it..it feels like my lower left back kind of "inflates" real quick & it hurts for like 15-20 seconds. I tell the guy & he said that was weird & asks me about it again back in the ER & if it hurts anymore...it doesn't. After about another hour of waiting...the doctor comes back in kinda laughs & says "you really gave us quite the runaround." He said that there are no blood clots, but that I DO have pneumonia in my lower left lung...(where I had felt that weird thing)...though I forget to mention this to him. Nobody...and there were many who checked...had heard anything in my lungs thru the stethoscope. It didn't even show up on just the chest x-ray. He told me to quit taking the antibiotics that I was already taking...they weren't going to help at all & that he would start me on a 7 day course of this really strong antibiotic (it's also used to treat Anthrax). My fever was gone after I took the first one & hasn't been back since. I know that doctors aren't miracle workers & don't know everything. I'm just annoyed that my regular doctor basically refused to listen to how I felt. If it "wasn't that bad," I wouldn't have been calling her about it on a weekend. I'm not a baby. I haven't decided if I will change doctors or not. I live in a small town & there isn't a huge selection. I just don't like not being taken seriously. Pneumonia may be treatable now, but it's still a serious thing. I'm still tired, still short of breath, still have to "take it easy." I guess I "sound" better, because that's what people keep telling me. They must also think that I feel 100% better. Back to running my oldest to work, my youngest to the doctor, then to get meds at the store, etc. Yes I feel a bit better (Thank God!)...but I'm not going to bounce back in a few days. I feel panicky that I won't feel better EVER, but I know that's not the right way to think about it & that I will feel better, have more energy & be able to do things again soon. I'm scared of dying. I don't want to leave my kids. I'm thinking...what have I done?? I need to get better NOW so I can get healthier & quit all the nonsense that doesn't make me stronger. There is a list of risk factors that make you more likely to get pneumonia:
- infants & children
- adults over 65
- people who have lowered immune systems
- people who have COPD
- people who are diabetic
- smokers
I'm none of those things....so I have no clue. I had to take Matthew to the doctor today because he is coughing so hard. The doctor (a different one) heard something in his left lung, so is going to start him on antibiotics. I checked my oxygen when I was there & it's staying around 88%. I can't sleep. I don't know what that's about...but have NO LUCK at all. I lay there...for hours...maybe sleep for 2 hours a night, then I'm awake again. I know I need to sleep for awhile & just rest, but as soon as I try...too much stuff going on in my head. I rarely suffer from insomnia...so I guess this is just one of those things that you have to deal with & get thru. The ER doctor also asked if I knew that I had a nodule on my thyroid. Geez...I have gotten blood tests checking that thing a zillion times over the years & it's always been "fine." I'm not even going to mention that until later. I'm just focusing on this one battle at the moment. On the "bright side," I have lost like 6-7 lbs. For a total of 22 lbs now.:)
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