WEDNESDAY

I can't believe that it's been a month since I have been on here.  I have seriously lacked motivation these past months.  An update:  Jeff & I e-mailed briefly on November 19th.  He said he would like us to be friends & that I knew him better than almost anyone.  I sent him one e-mail after that (the same day) telling him all what has been going on here & I didn't hear from him.  So I haven't contacted him since.:)  I'm proud of myself.  I see no point in even having him back in my life again.  What we had (or didn't have) is gone.  He did say that the reason he put on Facebook that they had been together since March was for her family & friend's benefits.  I guess they didn't want them knowing that they had only known each other for a few weeks before he moved in with her.  Whatever, she can now deal with his lies & BS.  I don't know if I told you or not, but his mom, at one time, still wanted to remain friends.  She has since changed her mind, though she didn't come out & tell me that.  She just started ignoring my texts, unfriended me on Facebook, etc.  She had asked me to go antique shopping out of town the first weekend in December, but didn't even cancel that...just ignored my texts asking about it.  How old are we?  It's fine.  I guess it wouldn't have been a good idea to remain friends anyway.  Just seeing her would automatically remind me of him.  I do have a health issue now that I'm seeing the doctor about tomorrow that regards Jeff.:(  I'm NOT happy.  I will go into detail more after I find out for sure or not.

My weight has gone up to 323 lbs.  That's enough, ya know?  I'm disappointed enough in myself as it is.  I went the doctor for some blood work a week or so ago & she noticed how swollen my lower legs were & told me I have gained about 30 lbs since last May, that things were just going to get worse if I continued to gain weight...or even stayed the same weight...and that I need to lose some.  She wasn't being mean about it.  It's really the first time that she's ever said much about my weight at all.  She didn't know me when I was 350.  So now I have to wear compression socks.  Hopefully one day, I won't have to.  I have to buy a new scale.  Mine totally died.  Will have to do that after January 2nd.  I found a cool one for around $35.  It shows you your BMI, water weight & a few other things.  I have exercised a little, but mostly just to the DVD's I have.  Haven't gotten out & walked yet.  It's cold & I'm so not a cold weather person.  My joints have been really bothering me, but I try to ignore it mostly.  My hands & feet get cold really easily & hurt...which isn't a good thing.  My mom has Raynaud's Syndrome & I don't want to end up with that.  Circulation problems.  I'm sure I l already have some,  but I don't want them getting worse.  I also started drinking (this morning) an Apple Cider Vinegar, Lemon Juice, Cinnamon, Honey drink.  I'm hoping it will help with everything basically.LOL  I have read some on it & decided that I might as well try it.  

Matthew (youngest) & I have had the flu for a few days now.  I'm feeling better now...but still not 100%.  Matthew is sicker than I am & he tends to get higher fevers.  He coughs A LOT...even before he got the flu.  He has asthma...but the doctors don't know why he coughs all the time.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  He was up most of last night because he was coughing so hard...even with medicine, me greasing his chest & back & a vaporizer in the room.:(  Any ideas on what else I can do that might help?

How has everyone been doing on Christmas & getting ready for it?   I finally got my tree & the rest of the apartment decorated last weekend.  I haven't sent cards out yet & probably won't get most of them out until after Christmas. We haven't done a family picture yet.  So I might just send those out for a New Year's thing.  Phillip (oldest) & I are going to help mom with fudge tomorrow night.  

My niece, Justine, is now 7 months pregnant & she has gotten a huge belly!!  It's so cute!  She hasn't really gained any anywhere else.  She's due around February 11th.  They are having a boy.  So exciting!  Her & her bf are still living with mom...which mom isn't happy about.  She loves Justine...but she needs her space as well.  

I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS...e

I missed my shrink appt the other day.  I have decided not to go back.  I don't think talking about my past is helping me, when it's the present that is kicking my ass.  Some days I'm good...and others,...like the past few...I'm so not.  I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  I feel like staying in bed & ignoring the world.  It takes too much energy to be social & I just don't have it right now.  I love the Holidays...but not right at this second.  I have to get over Jeff.  NO DOUBT.  I need to stop thinking about him.  I think the more I try to do that, the more I end up thinking about it all.  Then I just get all upset & pissed off all over again.  We had good times.  But we also had bad times & I have to remember those as well.  I tend to only think about the good ones.  I haven't contacted him since I sent that last e-mail on the 5th asking WHY.  Of course, he didn't answer,  I didn't expect him to.   He's a coward for not just coming clean.  He doesn't respect me enough or ever loved me enough to give me an explaination.  He doesn't care that I hurt & that I want answers.  I just have to let it go.  So hard for me to do.  I know Karma is a bitch & maybe he will get is & maybe he won't.  Maybe his hurting me like he did is Karma for something I did in the past.  I don't really know.  I know that I'm not always a good person.  But who is?  Do I think I deserved all of this?  No.  But it happened & it's just the way it goes.  I thought I had my forever.  Now...well...it's just me & the kids for awhile & when they're grown & on their own...it's just me.  I have to accept that.  I have always felt that I needed a guy in my life or at least guys to accept me, want me,  (fuck...I just deleted most of this post accidentally!!  Now I just feel like not saying anything else, because I can't think of what I said before...was just letting it flow...annoying).   Would I like a guy in my life who was totally in love with me & I felt the same?  Yes....but it's not a thing that I can't live without right now.  I have to figure out what the hell it is that I need.  I need to get outside & walk & be in the fresh air...even though it's freezing.  I complain in the Summer that it's too hot.  Always something to complain about.  It's just another excuse not to get my fat ass moving.  I have been trying to eat less & better.  Not easy.  When it's cold out, I tend to want more carbs & comfort food, so have to fight against that.  I weigh myself every couple of days now so it won't get out of control, more than it already is.  I used to just count the pounds & not the ounces or whatever, now I do both.  On the 11th, I weighed 321.8 & yesterday I weighed 321.6.  Wasn't happy about that.  I know that I won't lose 10 lbs in 2 days...but even a pound would have been better than nothing.  I don't feel like doing anything except going back to bed & not dealing with the world.  I'm tired of people who lie & cheat.  Hell I can't even tell the difference obviously.  I have never been a good judge of character.  It sucks.  I have a rational side & a crazy, selfish, negative side to my personality.  Did I tell you that I have Borderline Personality Disorder?  Anyway, I wish that my rational side was out there more...but it's not.  Guess maybe it's just something else i have to work on.  I have kept a journal (notebooks) since May 2013...the longest that I have ever had one.  I was reading back some over the past few months last night & all that was going on with Jeff.  I KNEW that when he went to his mom's on August 9th that he wasn't coming back except to get his stuff.  I had written it down that I was afraid that he wouldn't come back & he didn't.  I felt there was someone else already, even though he denied it...and I was right again.  I don't know why people find it so damn easy to lie to me.  They must think I'm stupid...I'm not.  

I'm in pain every day...well...to an extent.  I supposedly have Fibromyalgia.  I take Gabapentin for it.  My knees hurt so bad when I get up after sitting for awhile..but after I'm up & walking, I'm good.  My shoulders hurt, etc.  I try to ignore it mostly.  I don't like the fact that I'm only 45 & I have these issues already. It makes me worry about when I'm 65. But I try not to think about the future too much...or the past.  I know that I need to concentrate on the now.  There's only that.  

My ex husband...who lives with someone & has been with them for awhile...keeps trying to hook up with me.  I find it annoying.  At one time, I would have been all over that.  It took me a long time to get over him....like 2 fucking years of my life.  Now he just wants a booty call every now & then?  I'm not even remotely interested.  

I have a FWB now that I have only seen one time, but will maybe see him more.  He's way too young for me & he's just passing the time until he finds "the one."  I feel that since I won't see him that often, that we can mostly just be friends & if something else happens, then it does.  But as for a relationship or love...I'm not even planning on any of that again.  I try not to be cynical...but I so am right now.  

IGNORANCE IS BLISS?

I told you about Jeff.  Well I haven't really contacted him since October 11th...though there was something I had to talk to him about towards the end of last month & he did respond...but I would rather not talk about that.  Anyway, he DID block me on his phone, but could still send e-mails.  He had said that he would never have Facebook, because he didn't like social media...well on November 5th, I decided to type his name in a & see.  Well he had a page.  Not much was on it.  A picture of him & that he lived in Colorado Springs....OH YEAH...and that he was in a relationship with this girl...I thought that was really fast to be in another relationship, but whatever...I looked at her page & there were pictures of him & her kids in the store, etc.  Well I looked more closely at his page to see WHEN they got into a relationship.  I figured it was August when he moved out.  It said March 3, 2014!~  WTF?!   How in the hell did he pull that one off & were the last two years a lie???  I was SO upset!!  I sent him an e-mail pretty much saying what I just said. He didn't answer me...I sent another e-mail & it bounced back..so he had blocked me.  He took down his Facebook page & any comments that he had made on her page...but not before I got copies of them.  Yes I know...I'm psycho.  Not really though.  He had blamed ME for not trying in our relationship, that he was the one that was trying...kinda hard to try when you're investing yourself elsewhere.  He never bought me anything..I bought him a few things here & there.  Yet I believe he sent her flowers in May.  Found this out the other day too, of course.  I sent him another e-mail asking WHY he would do this & HOW he could even think about doing this to me...the one that he was supposedly "completely" in love with & wanted to marry.  It went thru, so guess he unblocked me on e-mail.  I haven't said anything to him since & he hasn't said anything to me.  You would think that he would at least man up & tell me how stupid I had been for MONTHS if not YEARS.  I sent her a message as well telling her that I didn't know what he had been telling her, but that him & I had been in a relationship for a couple of years & he had been living with me.  She never wrote back, but noticed today that she took his pictures off of her page...whatever that means.  Yes I can be a vindictive bitch.  But the way he left...that was bad enough...but to be LYING to me the entire time & then blaming me???   I'm not just going to take that lying down.  I didn't deserve this kind of hurt.  Not from him.  I trusted him totally.  Believed that we were forever.  Didn't think we would ever be totally out of each others lives, even if we were just friends.  We talked or texted EVERY day for over 2 years...then he just walked away.  How can I even trust another guy again?  I look at it this way...from now on, I will just believe that everyone is lying until they prove otherwise.  It's a crappy way to live, but I've had enough of being hurt.  I think this was an even worse betrayal than when my ex husband left me.  I have had a few hard moments not e-mailing him....but what is there to say?  He doesn't want to tell me what was going on for all of those months...and I can't make him.  He is the one who fucked up & the one who has to deal with it.  I'm not such a bad person...he gave up something good for MAYBE something that he thought was better.  I have to move on.  I miss him every day.  I think about him constantly.  I wish I didn't.  I know that it will fade in time.  That I obsess about everything under the sun & then move on to something else to obsess about.  

I have gained a shit load of weight.  I have been afraid to get on the scale.  I had been in the 290's for awhile...after getting down from 350.  Well I have steadily been gaining weight.  As of today, I'm 321!!  WTF??  I said I would NEVER get up to this point again & yet here I am.  I knew that I had gained weight, because my jeans were tighter, my shirts didn't fit right...but didn't realize it would be THIS bad.  So now I have to lose 22 lbs just to get below 300 again.  So fucking depressing.  But i will.  I will watch the carbs, will exercise, will drink more water.  Because I sure as hell don't want to be THIS heavy or even heavier than this.    I'm totally discouraged.  I really didn't think I was eating that much.  I HAD stopped working out, so thought that had a lot to do with it.  But I'm constantly wanting to eat the past week or so.:(  If I could just stay away from cookies, chips, doughnuts, bread, etc. etc. then all would be good, right?  But then how miserable would I be?  It doesn't matter though... I HAVE to lose this weight.  It's just not an option to let myself get bigger.

I want to ask..do any of you believe in magic?  Seriously?  Do you believe in spells?  Let me know your thoughts.

BE CAREFUL OF SCAMS

My son woke me up the other night about 12:30am freaking out. He had been on his phone & was looking for a music app.  He found one & downloaded it.  Well all of a sudden a "message from the FBI" popped up & there is no way to get it off of there.  These people have all of his information that was on his phone.  There is also a page on there...the one he is supposedly "in trouble" for.  It has 4 porn pictures...TWO of which are child porn!!  Neither of us needed to see something like that.  It's horrible & disgusting.  The site says that you have to send $500 or you will be arrested or some kind of crazy thing like that.  That if you attempt to get rid of the phone or anything, that that will be considered a crime as well.  He was NOT looking at child porn.  Hell he wasn't even looking AT porn.  I tried to call his dad, because I'm also freaking out a bit by now. You don't want to have child porn ANYWHERE.  I couldn't get ahold of my ex...so decided to call the police.  I didn't call 911, but used the sheriff's office number.  She told me that she would get it to the right officer & have him call me back.  He did a few minutes later. I told him all that was going on & he said there are a lot of scams like that out there now & you just have to be careful.  He asked if I wanted him to come by.  I told him that I did.   So he got here & I showed him the phone & all of the pages on the phone.  He took down some information.  He said some of the pages looked "official,." but that then some weren't...there was a page that had a place that you could pay with a moneypak.  He wrote a report on it & told me that he would file it so that there would be a record of it.  He also told me to get in touch with the FBI & Straight Talk (who the phone is thru).  I went to the FBI website & they have a place to tell them about any issues, so I sent them a message.  I haven't called Straight Talk yet.  Hopefully this was all just a stupid thing & nobody is in trouble.  My son finally got his phone working again & erased all of that junk.  He knows better now.  So be careful out there.

FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE

I just need to get past Jeff.  I need to move on.  I should have done it when he first left, but I didn't.  I kept contacting him & sometimes he would actually respond.  Now I haven't contacted him since October 11th & I'm proud of myself, because didn't think that I could actually do it.  I just keep remembering the good times.  I need to make myself remember the bad times as well.  I think the reason that I'm thinking about it so much now is because I'm going to see a friend tomorrow (her son & my two younger sons are friends).  She lives about an hour away & at the beginning of June, they had gone on a vacation for 10 days & Jeff & I did the house/pet sitting for them.  I loved being over there, just him & I, for 10 days.  We binge watched "Supernatural," played Scrabble, just hung out.  It was sooo nice.  Now I get to go back over there & have all of those memories.  Like I don't have enough here.  He was lucky moving away.  Sure there were some memories of us in Colorado Springs, but nothing like I have here.  He probably doesn't even think about me.  I have no idea.  On October 2nd, he sent me a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  It just makes me feel sick that we can't go back to the way it was.  Even if by some miracle, he wanted to come back, there is no trust there now. I'm just so lost.  He was my best friend.  I knew better than to do that.  I did that with my ex husband as well.  Make them my everything & then when they left...I had nothing.  Some people make a mistake & learn not to do that again...guess it takes me a couple of times...at least.  

My weight is out of control.  Even though I haven't gained any weight since the other day, I haven't lost any either.  I want to eat all of the time.  I don't even care at this point in time & I need to get out of that mindset.  In August/September when I thought that maybe I could get Jeff to come back...when I had hope that he would...I was exercising for at least an hour every day.  Then when I realized or accepted that he wasn't coming back...I slacked off.  I need to get back on track.  I need to lose this weight for me, not for anyone else.  I don't expect to meet some great guy if I "just lose enough weight."  I realize that I'm not good in relationships.  Jeff told me a few times that I was selfish.  So after he left, I asked a few of my "friends" if I was selfish & they all pretty much said "well not all of the time."  So guess I'm selfish & didn't know it.  I have taken care of people all of my life, was a people pleaser for a long time...so maybe I did decide to become a bit more selfish.  I have no idea.  But I didn't think that people saw me as that.  I have a lot of work to do on myself obviously.  I started seeing a therapist once a week about a month ago, so will see if that helps as well.  My life just feels out of control right now...and I can't deal with that.  

I CHOOSE THIS SITE

I have decided that, after using Wordpress briefly, that I like this site much better.   So I will be posting on my blog here from now on.  I'm no longer with Jeff.  He moved out in the middle of August...totally blindsided me.  Told me he wasn't happy, that he needed passion.  I don't know how long he had been planning on leaving before he actually left, but it doesn't really matter now.  The fact is, I was a mess for 2 months.  Even now...I'm just getting to the point where it doesn't hurt so much.  He moved 2 hours away...well back to Colorado Springs.  My birthday was on August 31st & it was one of the worst birthdays I have ever had.  He didn't even text me or call me until I texted him. I had known this guy for 2 years.  We had talked or texted every day of those 2 years except for one...actually we did for 25 months.  He was sweet, kind, funny, loyal, said I was his best friend, his forever, we were engaged.  Then he moved out & turned into a total dick.  Was mean, cold, cruel, rude, didn't give a shit about my feelings at all.  He had to do it for him, etc, etc.  He didn't even tell the kids bye.  Who the hell does something like that?  They had come to love him & he said he loved them too.  Anyway, at first, he said that it was cool if contacted him, but that if I called him, he wouldn't answer the phone & he didn't.  I last talked to him on the phone on September 10th.  He would say that he still loved me, but wasn't IN love with me (my ex husband said the same thing & Jeff KNEW that).  My ex also left in August...right before my 40th birthday & Jeff left in August right before my 45th birthday...talk about deja vu.  But it's the way he did it that made it all worse.  He's 31.  He's close to his mom (she's a cool person).  He would sometimes go down to Colorado Springs where she lives & spend a few days with her.  That's what he was going to do on August 9th for a week.  I had no issues with that.  But as soon as he left, he started ignoring me..which I hate..and he also knows that.  He would text every now & then that week & tell me that he loved me, but he was having doubts.  So I was a mess for that whole week.  He told me that his mom was bringing him back on August 16th & we would talk then...he doesn't drive.  He didn't know for sure yet if he wanted to stay with me or not.  So he shows up, his mom comes in, uses the bathroom & then leaves...but stays in town "just in case."  Well he came in, sat down, we made small talk for a few minutes & then he told me that he was going to go ahead & move out..that he wasn't sure until he came back & talked to me.  I was soooo upset & heartbroken.  I told him that I wasn't going to stay here & watch him pack, so I left & his mom came back & helped him.  I stayed down at my mom's that night, because I didn't want to stay in the apartment.  So Jeff & I texted the next morning (17th).  He told me that he was in so much pain the night before, that he was crying, that he missed us & loved us & wanted to come back...could I go get him?  Well hell yeah I could.  So I borrowed gas money from my mom...went down there, packed my car with his stuff & went by a store first, so he could sell some of his games & movies.  We were there for over an hour...we talked & stuff & thought all was cool.  We left there to drive back here...and were talking about things.  He then started crying (he doesn't cry often) & said he was sorry, he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused, he needed passion & he wanted that with me..but it wasn't there...well if you read my past blog entries...you will see that it was never really there...but we had an emotional & mental connection from the first.  OK, so we are about 20 minutes outside of Colorado Springs, I pull over & ask what he wants to do...he said he wanted to go back to his mom's!  So I took him back & was SO PISSED, was yelling, etc.  He kept saying he was sorry, that he loved me, that he just had to figure things out, etc.  When we got back to his mom's house, she came out, because I told him I wasn't helping him unpack my car.  So they did.  If I had known that was going to be the last time I saw him, I would have got out & given him a hug.  Instead I just gave him a kiss & left.  We used to text sometimes...sometimes he would answer me, but most times he didn't.  He did tell me that he had moved in with some roommates & that he was hanging out, but not dating a girl.  Which I was really upset about.  So, like I said, he treated me like crap on my birthday & then called it quits on September 5th.  For the next month..I texted him A LOT.  I was bordering on stalking really.  I just wanted answers.  I wanted to know when he stopped loving me, when he had decided to move out, if he was talking to someone before he left me, etc.  He never really answered any of those.  So earlier this month, he sent a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  He had threatened different times to block my number, because I was texting so much.  The night of October 11th...he said the he was done with all of this, that he was tired of going over the same shit & that he was going to block me for sure this time when he got home, that he had moved on, that he knew I hadn't & that was fine.  He said he hoped I found some happiness in my life & that it would be his last message & goodbye."  SO....I texted him yet again & told him not to block me, that I promised I wouldn't contact him again.  He never said anything back, so I don't know if I'm blocked or not, but I won't contact him again.  Not by text, phone, e-mail.  He had said that we could be friends...well that's what I wanted too.  I didn't want him totally out of my life.  But he wants ME out of HIS.  So I won't contact him again.  Which is really hard not to do.  I miss him.  Even though he's an ass.  I never saw that side of him in 2 years.  It was like he flipped a switch.  His mom & I get along...she's like 9 years older than me...so we may hang out sometime...because we are still friends.  She said that she just wouldn't discuss Jeff with me...which is fine.  The boys still ask about him...especially Matthew...but there's nothing I can do.  Jeff was the only guy that I had brought around them & I won't do it again.  Hell I don't even know if I can trust anyone again.  I totally trusted him & he bailed.  I HATE being ignored & he did it all the time after he left.  I wasn't over it yet, so I kept trying.  Kept hoping that he would come back.  How stupid is that?  It doesn't matter...I'm living day to day.  It'll keep getting better.  I don't always feel that way, but right now, I do.  I'm too old for this crap.  I was too happy & too content...and that worked against me.  At first, I was exercising every day for an hour & really trying to lose weight, but it wasn't going anywhere...I don't know if I was still eating too much or what.  Plus started taking Effexor in June...don't know if that has anything to do with anything.  I'm back over 300 lbs again.  I'm going to start low carb again tomorrow & start exercising again.  I had done it every day for like 4 weeks & then I stopped, because mom & I went out of town (a story for another time).  So now I need to get back into it.  I don't eat low carb all the time, because I can't afford it.  Jeff never paid for much while he was living with me, but when he started getting food stamps in April, he would at least use that for groceries, but then later, he would say that he always buys a ton of food for my kids & none for himself.  Money was also an issue.  He never had any unless his mom sent him some.  So I couldn't go to the movies with him or out to eat with him at any time, unless I paid.  Well now he has some job in Colorado Springs & he told me that he's clearing like $2100 a month.  He doesn't have kids to take care of or anything else.  So he has plenty of money every month which I'm sure he's using on some other girl.  He never bought me jewelry or anything like that.  I guess I should have known then.  

MOVING ON?

I'm not sure if I will stay with this blog right now...I have made another one at rubylane869.wordpress.com if you would like to follow me there.  I just feel that I wanted something different.  I'm not sure how I feel about that site yet.  I think this one...I have a lot more control over...or at least I know what I'm doing (to an extent!!)LOL  So for now...I think that's where I will be if you would like to follow me there.  Hope all is good in your world.