BE CAREFUL OF SCAMS

My son woke me up the other night about 12:30am freaking out. He had been on his phone & was looking for a music app.  He found one & downloaded it.  Well all of a sudden a "message from the FBI" popped up & there is no way to get it off of there.  These people have all of his information that was on his phone.  There is also a page on there...the one he is supposedly "in trouble" for.  It has 4 porn pictures...TWO of which are child porn!!  Neither of us needed to see something like that.  It's horrible & disgusting.  The site says that you have to send $500 or you will be arrested or some kind of crazy thing like that.  That if you attempt to get rid of the phone or anything, that that will be considered a crime as well.  He was NOT looking at child porn.  Hell he wasn't even looking AT porn.  I tried to call his dad, because I'm also freaking out a bit by now. You don't want to have child porn ANYWHERE.  I couldn't get ahold of my ex...so decided to call the police.  I didn't call 911, but used the sheriff's office number.  She told me that she would get it to the right officer & have him call me back.  He did a few minutes later. I told him all that was going on & he said there are a lot of scams like that out there now & you just have to be careful.  He asked if I wanted him to come by.  I told him that I did.   So he got here & I showed him the phone & all of the pages on the phone.  He took down some information.  He said some of the pages looked "official,." but that then some weren't...there was a page that had a place that you could pay with a moneypak.  He wrote a report on it & told me that he would file it so that there would be a record of it.  He also told me to get in touch with the FBI & Straight Talk (who the phone is thru).  I went to the FBI website & they have a place to tell them about any issues, so I sent them a message.  I haven't called Straight Talk yet.  Hopefully this was all just a stupid thing & nobody is in trouble.  My son finally got his phone working again & erased all of that junk.  He knows better now.  So be careful out there.

FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE

I just need to get past Jeff.  I need to move on.  I should have done it when he first left, but I didn't.  I kept contacting him & sometimes he would actually respond.  Now I haven't contacted him since October 11th & I'm proud of myself, because didn't think that I could actually do it.  I just keep remembering the good times.  I need to make myself remember the bad times as well.  I think the reason that I'm thinking about it so much now is because I'm going to see a friend tomorrow (her son & my two younger sons are friends).  She lives about an hour away & at the beginning of June, they had gone on a vacation for 10 days & Jeff & I did the house/pet sitting for them.  I loved being over there, just him & I, for 10 days.  We binge watched "Supernatural," played Scrabble, just hung out.  It was sooo nice.  Now I get to go back over there & have all of those memories.  Like I don't have enough here.  He was lucky moving away.  Sure there were some memories of us in Colorado Springs, but nothing like I have here.  He probably doesn't even think about me.  I have no idea.  On October 2nd, he sent me a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  It just makes me feel sick that we can't go back to the way it was.  Even if by some miracle, he wanted to come back, there is no trust there now. I'm just so lost.  He was my best friend.  I knew better than to do that.  I did that with my ex husband as well.  Make them my everything & then when they left...I had nothing.  Some people make a mistake & learn not to do that again...guess it takes me a couple of times...at least.  

My weight is out of control.  Even though I haven't gained any weight since the other day, I haven't lost any either.  I want to eat all of the time.  I don't even care at this point in time & I need to get out of that mindset.  In August/September when I thought that maybe I could get Jeff to come back...when I had hope that he would...I was exercising for at least an hour every day.  Then when I realized or accepted that he wasn't coming back...I slacked off.  I need to get back on track.  I need to lose this weight for me, not for anyone else.  I don't expect to meet some great guy if I "just lose enough weight."  I realize that I'm not good in relationships.  Jeff told me a few times that I was selfish.  So after he left, I asked a few of my "friends" if I was selfish & they all pretty much said "well not all of the time."  So guess I'm selfish & didn't know it.  I have taken care of people all of my life, was a people pleaser for a long time...so maybe I did decide to become a bit more selfish.  I have no idea.  But I didn't think that people saw me as that.  I have a lot of work to do on myself obviously.  I started seeing a therapist once a week about a month ago, so will see if that helps as well.  My life just feels out of control right now...and I can't deal with that.  

I CHOOSE THIS SITE

I have decided that, after using Wordpress briefly, that I like this site much better.   So I will be posting on my blog here from now on.  I'm no longer with Jeff.  He moved out in the middle of August...totally blindsided me.  Told me he wasn't happy, that he needed passion.  I don't know how long he had been planning on leaving before he actually left, but it doesn't really matter now.  The fact is, I was a mess for 2 months.  Even now...I'm just getting to the point where it doesn't hurt so much.  He moved 2 hours away...well back to Colorado Springs.  My birthday was on August 31st & it was one of the worst birthdays I have ever had.  He didn't even text me or call me until I texted him. I had known this guy for 2 years.  We had talked or texted every day of those 2 years except for one...actually we did for 25 months.  He was sweet, kind, funny, loyal, said I was his best friend, his forever, we were engaged.  Then he moved out & turned into a total dick.  Was mean, cold, cruel, rude, didn't give a shit about my feelings at all.  He had to do it for him, etc, etc.  He didn't even tell the kids bye.  Who the hell does something like that?  They had come to love him & he said he loved them too.  Anyway, at first, he said that it was cool if contacted him, but that if I called him, he wouldn't answer the phone & he didn't.  I last talked to him on the phone on September 10th.  He would say that he still loved me, but wasn't IN love with me (my ex husband said the same thing & Jeff KNEW that).  My ex also left in August...right before my 40th birthday & Jeff left in August right before my 45th birthday...talk about deja vu.  But it's the way he did it that made it all worse.  He's 31.  He's close to his mom (she's a cool person).  He would sometimes go down to Colorado Springs where she lives & spend a few days with her.  That's what he was going to do on August 9th for a week.  I had no issues with that.  But as soon as he left, he started ignoring me..which I hate..and he also knows that.  He would text every now & then that week & tell me that he loved me, but he was having doubts.  So I was a mess for that whole week.  He told me that his mom was bringing him back on August 16th & we would talk then...he doesn't drive.  He didn't know for sure yet if he wanted to stay with me or not.  So he shows up, his mom comes in, uses the bathroom & then leaves...but stays in town "just in case."  Well he came in, sat down, we made small talk for a few minutes & then he told me that he was going to go ahead & move out..that he wasn't sure until he came back & talked to me.  I was soooo upset & heartbroken.  I told him that I wasn't going to stay here & watch him pack, so I left & his mom came back & helped him.  I stayed down at my mom's that night, because I didn't want to stay in the apartment.  So Jeff & I texted the next morning (17th).  He told me that he was in so much pain the night before, that he was crying, that he missed us & loved us & wanted to come back...could I go get him?  Well hell yeah I could.  So I borrowed gas money from my mom...went down there, packed my car with his stuff & went by a store first, so he could sell some of his games & movies.  We were there for over an hour...we talked & stuff & thought all was cool.  We left there to drive back here...and were talking about things.  He then started crying (he doesn't cry often) & said he was sorry, he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused, he needed passion & he wanted that with me..but it wasn't there...well if you read my past blog entries...you will see that it was never really there...but we had an emotional & mental connection from the first.  OK, so we are about 20 minutes outside of Colorado Springs, I pull over & ask what he wants to do...he said he wanted to go back to his mom's!  So I took him back & was SO PISSED, was yelling, etc.  He kept saying he was sorry, that he loved me, that he just had to figure things out, etc.  When we got back to his mom's house, she came out, because I told him I wasn't helping him unpack my car.  So they did.  If I had known that was going to be the last time I saw him, I would have got out & given him a hug.  Instead I just gave him a kiss & left.  We used to text sometimes...sometimes he would answer me, but most times he didn't.  He did tell me that he had moved in with some roommates & that he was hanging out, but not dating a girl.  Which I was really upset about.  So, like I said, he treated me like crap on my birthday & then called it quits on September 5th.  For the next month..I texted him A LOT.  I was bordering on stalking really.  I just wanted answers.  I wanted to know when he stopped loving me, when he had decided to move out, if he was talking to someone before he left me, etc.  He never really answered any of those.  So earlier this month, he sent a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  He had threatened different times to block my number, because I was texting so much.  The night of October 11th...he said the he was done with all of this, that he was tired of going over the same shit & that he was going to block me for sure this time when he got home, that he had moved on, that he knew I hadn't & that was fine.  He said he hoped I found some happiness in my life & that it would be his last message & goodbye."  SO....I texted him yet again & told him not to block me, that I promised I wouldn't contact him again.  He never said anything back, so I don't know if I'm blocked or not, but I won't contact him again.  Not by text, phone, e-mail.  He had said that we could be friends...well that's what I wanted too.  I didn't want him totally out of my life.  But he wants ME out of HIS.  So I won't contact him again.  Which is really hard not to do.  I miss him.  Even though he's an ass.  I never saw that side of him in 2 years.  It was like he flipped a switch.  His mom & I get along...she's like 9 years older than me...so we may hang out sometime...because we are still friends.  She said that she just wouldn't discuss Jeff with me...which is fine.  The boys still ask about him...especially Matthew...but there's nothing I can do.  Jeff was the only guy that I had brought around them & I won't do it again.  Hell I don't even know if I can trust anyone again.  I totally trusted him & he bailed.  I HATE being ignored & he did it all the time after he left.  I wasn't over it yet, so I kept trying.  Kept hoping that he would come back.  How stupid is that?  It doesn't matter...I'm living day to day.  It'll keep getting better.  I don't always feel that way, but right now, I do.  I'm too old for this crap.  I was too happy & too content...and that worked against me.  At first, I was exercising every day for an hour & really trying to lose weight, but it wasn't going anywhere...I don't know if I was still eating too much or what.  Plus started taking Effexor in June...don't know if that has anything to do with anything.  I'm back over 300 lbs again.  I'm going to start low carb again tomorrow & start exercising again.  I had done it every day for like 4 weeks & then I stopped, because mom & I went out of town (a story for another time).  So now I need to get back into it.  I don't eat low carb all the time, because I can't afford it.  Jeff never paid for much while he was living with me, but when he started getting food stamps in April, he would at least use that for groceries, but then later, he would say that he always buys a ton of food for my kids & none for himself.  Money was also an issue.  He never had any unless his mom sent him some.  So I couldn't go to the movies with him or out to eat with him at any time, unless I paid.  Well now he has some job in Colorado Springs & he told me that he's clearing like $2100 a month.  He doesn't have kids to take care of or anything else.  So he has plenty of money every month which I'm sure he's using on some other girl.  He never bought me jewelry or anything like that.  I guess I should have known then.  

MOVING ON?

I'm not sure if I will stay with this blog right now...I have made another one at rubylane869.wordpress.com if you would like to follow me there.  I just feel that I wanted something different.  I'm not sure how I feel about that site yet.  I think this one...I have a lot more control over...or at least I know what I'm doing (to an extent!!)LOL  So for now...I think that's where I will be if you would like to follow me there.  Hope all is good in your world.

COMPUTER & STUFF

My computer is fried.  Too many viruses...can't get into a lot of my sites..even this one is being weird.  Jeff is getting a copy of Windows 7...going to have to totally erase my hard drive, which I'm not happy about, but there's really nothing else to do.  So need to spend the next day or so putting all of my picture files on Photo Bucket.  Will take a bit.  I don't know if I downloaded something funky...I try not to download much at all...or if my son Phillip had downloaded something.  He tends to do that even if I ask him not to.  He hasn't been using my computer too much lately, but the damage has been done. 

My weight is being ridiculous.  Well guess it's really ME that's being ridiculous.  Just feeling out of control with everything.  I want to eat ALL THE TIME.  It sucks.  I have been trying to be good....not to have any carbs or very little if I do.  I'm back up in the 300's & that's unacceptable.  I will figure it out though.  I won't/can't let myself get any higher than this.  It will just be all downhill from there if I do.  I watched a few episodes of "My 600 lb Life" the other night.  Some of those people are able to lose the weight with gastric bypass & some aren't.  A lot of it is mental & making you're stomach smaller won't necessarily help.  That would be me.  It's all mental for me for the most part.  One woman who frustrated me on there...she just decided she couldn't/wouldn't do it.  She was unable to get out of bed, so her husband was fixing all of her food.  He was basically enabling her.  If she can't get out of bed, then bring her less food or healthier food & not so much of it.  What is she going to do about it?  Yes she would bitch & complain, but that's about it.  She had a 5 year old son that she wasn't able to do anything with...go to his Kindergarten graduation etc, but she justified it my saying she was there for him more than a woman working would be.  Hanging out with him on her bed, getting him ready for Halloween, etc.  That isn't the same, but guess she made herself feel better by saying that.  She kept repeating the same thing...that she was a better mom than mom's who had to work for a living.  I was also frustrated with her husband.  He seemed resigned to the fact that she was the way she is, even though it was going to end up killing her.  She was on oxygen, had severe cellulitis in her legs.  I don't want to be anywhere NEAR that.  Don't want to give up like that.  I'm thankful that I can go for walks & do things with my kids. Yes I may get tired easily or my knees/hips may hurt after I go for a walk, but at least I can get out of bed...and for that I'm grateful.

WHERE IS THE LIGHT?

Having a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel here.  Just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm tired.  Usually I can tell myself that it will get better..right now I just can't do that.  I just need to find a way to deal with how I feel about everything.  I need to quit being such a baby about how "hard" life is.  Everyone has their own demons to deal with...depression is just one of mine.  

FMM: ANIMALS

If you’ve taken part in FMM before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Animals

1. What is your favorite domestic animal?

Gonna have to go with cats on this one...though I do like small dogs as well.

2. What is your favorite farm animal?

Would have to say horses...though they terrify me a bit as well.

3. What is your favorite wild animal?

White tiger...they are beautiful!!

4. Which animal describes you the best?

I don't really know. I'm thinking some kind of bear....soft & cuddly.LOL  Unless you annoy me...then not nice.

5. If you were able to come back as an animal which one would it be?

A cheetah...how cool would it be to be THAT fast??

6. What do you think about zoos?

I like going to zoos.  Love being able to see the animals that I wouldn't get to see otherwise.  I think as long as they are taken well care of, that's all that matters.  I know that there are some zoos that don't take care of the animals like they should...those ones should be shut down.  

7. What do you think about animals in circuses?

I have enjoyed going to circuses when I was younger & I have also taken my kids to some.  But I think that the cages for the animals are too small, the animals aren't well taken care of & they just need a place to BE themselves & not be forced to do things that doesn't come naturally to them.

8. Do you have a favorite animal charity you like to support?

I really don't.  

9. Do you have a favorite ‘animal’ movie?

Thought that this was a really cute movie.:)

If you would like to participate in FMM...please go to losingweightandhavingfun.com