FMM: LET'S TALK MOVIES (March 3rd)

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

I thought I would pick movies as this week’s topics based on The Oscars being last night.

1. What is your all time favorite movie?

I'm was a teenager in the 80's.:)  So some of my fave movies (can't pick just one) are: Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink.  LOVE Molly Ringwald & Anthony Michael Hall.  But also love Top Gun, Cocktail, Dirty Dancing & Tombstone.

2. Who is your favorite actor and actress?

I do like me some Tom Cruise.:)  There are quite a few others though...but will stick with that one.  I love Sandra Bullock.  

3. What is the first movie you ever saw at the cinema?

I can't even remember....it was back in the 70's....I'm going to have to go with "Benji."  It was a movie about a cute dog.:)

4. Did you watch The Oscars last night?

I didn't watch the Oscars when it was on, but have been trying to watch it on youtube recently.  Have gotten about half way thru.:)

5. How many of the Best Picture nominations did you watch and which did you enjoy the most?

I haven't watched any of those movies...though I want to.  Just can't seem to find the time to just sit down & watch a movie.  Maybe if I wasn't on the computer so much....LOL

6. What did you think of Ellen hosting The Oscars?

I LOVE Ellen!!!  She did a GREAT job!!  She is totally amazing & always makes me laugh.

7. If you had the chance to play a part in any movie, what would it be?

I want to be Elisabeth Shue (Jordan) in Cocktail.:)  Or maybe some kick ass female like Katniss in The Hunger Games.

8. Is there a movie you have watched that was so bad that you have either walked out of the cinema or turned it off?

One of the worst movies I have ever watched was "Hotel New Hampshire."  Absolutely hated it.

9. What do you think of 3D and IMAX movies? Are they worth the extra money?

I live in a small town.  So we have a little theater.  I LOVE going to the cities to the IMAX movies!!  It's a rare thing, so guess that makes it even more cool.

10. What was the last movie you saw at the cinema?

My boys & I went to see "Captain America-The Winter Soldier" the other day & I really liked it.:)  I don't take all 3 of my kids to the movies very often, because it costs so much...but try to take them when a movie they really want to see comes out.

TIME FLIES....

It's been almost TWO months since I last posted!!  That's crazy!  I used to be on here all of the time.  I don't know what happens sometimes...life just has a way of getting away from you.  Much has happened since I last wrote...

I have dyed my hair numerous times over the past couple of months...first dark purple, then pink.  It has faded out now & I"m just letting it.  It was something I had always wanted to do.  I just never did when I was younger.  Believe me, I got some weird looks & of course, comments.  "It's not Halloween," "Just in time for Easter," etc.  Some asked if I was having a mid-life crisis.  Geez.  Can't a person just have purple/pink hair because they WANT to??LOL  I have always been ignored to an extent.  I figure it's because of my weight, but who really knows what it's about.  So having all the attention that having colored hair brought was unnerving.  But it brought me out of my comfort zone & that's a good thing.  It's something that I can now cross off my bucket list.  My hair...my poor hair...has been bleached/colored so many times over the past weeks, yet it's hanging in there.  It's kind of white with pink highlights at the moment.LOL  People have said that it reminds them of cotton candy.  I don't mind that.  I'm not sure if I will continue to let it fade out or if I will try to go auburn.  Have always wanted reddish hair.  But I don't know.  Kinda tired of the attention AND not being taken seriously by other adults.  The teenagers & younger kids might think it's "cool," but other adults just think it's "weird, childish" etc.  People are always so judgmental.  Anything different they can't deal with.    On the other hand, some older adults (the ones who REALLY have issues with the whole hair thing) have told me that it was awesome & that they wouldn't have the guts to do it.  So that made me feel good...though there is that approval that I seem to need.  Always looking for approval from others.  Have been trying to get away from that, yet it's always there.

The boys have been doing pretty well.  Phillip does well at the alternative high school, though he's still a pain in the ass getting up in the mornings.  He can't sleep at night...I think he just tries too hard or something & that makes it worse.  He started seeing a shrink & that seems to help some.  He's also on Prozac.  He still has some depression & I know that that just won't "go away."  But he's hanging in there.  He's in fencing...which is kinda different...but he enjoys it & that's what matters.  He's surprisingly "light on his feet," for being such a big kid.  I mean he's 16 & around 6'2...plus he's heavier.  I've been trying to get him to lose some weight...but he fights me on that.  I know he would feel better if he did, but he has to really want to.  Yet I will NOT let him get up to 400+ pounds.  He's like 350 or so now.:(   Dominic is doing really well in school.  He get's mostly A's & B's.  He's the one that has his homework done on time, book reports done way in advance, etc.  Science..he has an A.  Which is amazing to me...I hate Science.LOL  I was NOT a good student.  He's also a good artist.  He's a very responsible 12 year old.  Matthew is doing really well in school as well.  He struggles with being able to focus.  He's very scattered.  Forgets things very easily...has trouble finishing sentences sometimes because he loses his train of thought.  Not sure what that's about.  Waits until the last minute to do his homework, forgets that he has homework, etc.  Yet he is doing good too.  In advanced Spelling now (he asked to be because the other was too easy), is good in Math...which shocked me, because that's what he seems to struggle with homework-wise.  Yet he does really good on his tests at school.  Sometimes I feel a bit stupid when I don't know the answers to Algebra or Geometery  questions.  I sucked at those subjects.  Plus they start them SO early now.  But I know that's probably a good thing.  They pretty much ask Jeff for help on that kind of stuff now, since they know I will have no clue. I think it's cool that they feel that they can go to him, yet I wish I could help them more, since I am their mom.  All three are in a bowling league still.  Though the "season' has ended recently.  They have "state" in Denver in the middle of May.  They always look forward to that..their mini-vacation.  They are all pretty good now & I'm glad that they enjoy it.  Oh, Matthew has seasonal asthma again & needs an inhaler...seems to happen every year around this time since like 2012 at least.  

My mom has aged a lot since my step-dad died last July.  It shocks me sometimes.  It also makes me sad. She misses him a lot.  Seems lost at times.  Is tired, has no energy, some depression.  I can understand that, yet it's hard to see.  She has this horrible cough going on (she smokes).  She's had it for awhile, but it's gotten worse.  She sees the doctor for other things, so I guess if something was really wrong, they would tell her.  But she also gets sick more often now...with colds, flu, etc. & it takes her longer to get over them.  She used to have energy to go go go...now it's just gone.  It's hard seeing her get older, look older, not feel well, etc.  She's only 64 & that's pretty young still these days.  I worry about her.  Dominic still stays with her every weekend.  They don't have school on Fridays, so from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon...that's where he's at.  He's a creature of habit & likes his "routines."  That's one of them.   I think it's good for both him & my mom.  She also lives to see her youngest granddaughter, Jasmine.  She's 3 now.  Lives in Grand Junction, which is about 4 hours away...which sucks.  She doesn't get to see her much in the Winter, because the mountain passes between here & there usually have a ton of snow.  She is going to try to get over there for Easter though.  I hope that she's able to.  I think it's important.   Mom has really liked two singers in her life...Elvis & Alan Jackson.  So at the end of March, Alan was in Colorado Springs & I was able to take her to that.  That was pretty cool actually.:)

One of my friends, Mandy & two of her children Marissa 9 & Mason 5 were murdered in Canon City on March 9th.  It was pretty horrible.  Her live in boyfriend, who was a sex offender (not sure if she knew that or not) raped her 16 year old daughter & killed the rest of them.  I think he was going to kill the older one as well...she was tied up, while he slept, but she got away & ran to the neighbors.  When the police got there for the sexual assault..that's when they found the bodies.  They had been gone for at least 10 hours prior.  Sick ass MF.  I guess it was pretty horrific.  He didn't just shoot them or even just stab them.  Yes he stabbed them, but he pretty much mutilated them.  They aren't letting very much out.  I can't even comprehend how someone can be so evil.  Death is too good for him.

As for my health.  I saw a gastroenologist (sp?) in Colorado Springs on March 19th.  I have a colonoscopy & a scope done down there on May 22nd.  I hate those things.  He also asked if anyone had ever told me that I had a heart murmur.  But my main doctor checked me later & said that she didn't know what he was talking about.  My doctor sometimes annoys the hell out of me.  Sometimes she acts concerned & seems to really want to help me & other times...not so much.  Then I saw a hematologist...my iron was really low, so they were going to give me iron thru an IV...but I have been taking an iron pill every day & that has raised it some, so the IV wasn't necessary.  But my eosinophils are still high & they need to figure out why.  So on April 9th, I had a bone marrow biopsy.  HOLY SHIT!  That hurt so bad.  I don't ever want to have to do that again.  One of the nurses that was in there...she's an ER nurse....she had never seen one before, so guess she was just observing...she told me after that I was her new hero.  That she would never get that done unless they knocked her out.  That made me feel good.LOL  They said that I did better than some people.  I admit that I did cry just a bit.  Kinda hard not to when they pull the bone marrow out.:(  Yuck. I get the results on April 23rd...have an appt to go in and see her.  Hopefully they will figure out what's wrong & fix it.

I have been without a vehicle since the beginning of November...which has been a pain in the ass.  I have looked at cars since February when we got our income tax back, yet most were crap vehicles.  Or I just couldn't afford them.  At the beginning of March, I applied for a Capital One Auto Loan.  Well I was able to get that & they sent a blank check, but there were some criteria that the dealerships that actually took the check would have to go by.  Ridiculous things.  So I get that all done & ready to go.  Today was the last day I could use the check, so mom took Jeff & I to Colorado Springs yesterday.  I was able to get a car, but not with the check.  Which sucks, but the car dealership was able to go thru there lending place.  Still...the guy had to really work to get me "situated" to get a car.  My credit isn't great, I don't have a down payment right now (most of the income tax is gone), etc.  I didn't want huge monthly payments...but that was inevitable.  So they let me take the car (I had to get insurance thru one of their brokers before I could legally take it)...but they will take $500 off of my credit card at the beginning of May (they did want $1,000 but I was able to get it lowered) & then starting in June, I have to pay around $325 a month plus $100 in insurance.:(  That's A LOT of money when you don't have a lot.  It's a 2009 Chevrolet Impala.  It's white.  It's nice & I love having a car...but really going to have to cut back on things.  Food is going to be more difficult to buy...I don't qualify for food stamps.  My mom gets in her moods sometimes & was very negative about the whole thing, which made me feel negative & guilty.  I really have to watch that.  I seem to absorb other people's feeling/emotions a lot.  She's like "I'm not going to bail you out when you can't pay for it."  Things like that.  Her & my step-dad have done a lot of things for me over the years & I very much appreciate it, but she kinda uses that against me sometimes & it bothers me.  I seem to be a "punching bag" of sorts for her & I don't like it.  Not sure what I did to deserve her mean words sometimes, but I have always tried to be there for her & have been the one who has been around the most out of my sisters & I.  My youngest sister, Cindy is finally off of drugs & doing well (she's the one with Jasmine), so her & mom get along a lot better now & her & I are at least talking.  It does seem like Cindy can do no wrong these days.  My other sister, Bev....well she has her own life going on & we're pretty much not a part of it.  She calls or texts mom every now and then...even though she lives here in town.  She continues to feel that I have always been mom's favorite.  So whatever.  It's like how old are we???  So her & I don't talk much anymore either, which makes me very sad.  My niece, Taylor, turned 16 yesterday & I texted her Happy Birthday & that I loved her...didn't hear anything back.  I think it's pretty rude actually.  I don't get to see her or my other niece Madison much either.  Cindy had come over for Mandy's funeral, so I saw Jasmine then.  That is one stubborn little girl.LOL  If she doesn't want to talk to you, she won't talk to you.  She didn't talk to me the whole time I saw her.  She just kind of looked at me..smiled a little bit every once in awhile..but that's about it.  I think the pink hair threw her off.LOL

A good friend of the family (well used to be) passed away on April 9th.:(  She was a big part of my life growing up & was my mom's best friend...Dee.  My ex & I got married in her back yard.  But she moved away & then her & my mom had an argument about something...and Dee held grudges...so that was that.  She was dying of cancer...she had mom's number...you would think that she would have at least called to talk to mom before she died...but she didn't.  Mom had tried over the past few years to talk to her...but that didn't really work out.  It's just sad.  I miss her.  We used to go over to her house & play Spades or just hang out.  LOVED her biscuits & gravy...strange what you remember.LOL  She will be missed.

Guess that's all that's been going on in my life.  I will write more on here...as I find it helpful to just get things out & put everything down.  I have had some depression again and that always kicks my butt.

TIRED....

I haven't written here for a little while...mostly because I'm just overwhelmed with life right now & don't feel like doing much of anything.  I know part of it is depression.  I know a lot of it is because I'm in pain most of the time of some sort.  I have had the CAT scan done (didn't like it at all) & everything is negative...except I do have a small hernia.  She now wants me to have a colonoscopy and scope....they won't do it here in town because apparently I still owe them money from 4 years ago.  Would be nice to have gotten a bill.  Anyway, she was going to see about me getting it done in Colorado Springs (2 hours away).  Jeff's mom lives down there, so it wouldn't be too much of a hassle.  I last saw my doctor on the 13th...either her office or the office in Colorado Springs was supposed to contact me about it...they haven't yet.  I don't think I need those things, but if she wants them done so she can rule out even more things, then so be it.  But quit taking her own sweet time, ya know?  I saw a different doctor in the same office on the 18th because I was in so much stomach pain.  He's an older doctor & sometimes I think they know more & care more about their patients.  He read some of her notes, etc.  He pushed on my stomach some, on my lower back some (it has been causing me some pain as well..I told my other doctor that, but she didn't seem overly concerned about it).  He ordered an x-ray of my thoracic spine.  Says that he thinks there might be some nerve issue going on there.  But he doesn't think that my pain has anything to do with my high eosinophil count.  My doctor was really on top of things at first, trying to figure it all out...and now I feel that she has totally dropped the ball. I'm frustrated & discouraged.  I was taking two Aleve every morning for joint pain & she said that was fine. This other doctor told me to stop taking those & just take Tylenol for the pain.  Since stopping the Aleve...I haven't had any since the 18th...my stomach feels a bit better, but I have had headaches & my joint pain is pretty bad.  My neck hurts a lot...I have Jeff massage it some, but nothing seems to really help.  So I basically traded one pain for another.  I have gained 8-9 lbs over the past few weeks, which I'm freaking out about.  I didn't want to be anywhere NEAR 300 lbs again...but, as of yesterday, I'm back up to 298.  So started low carb again yesterday.  I will NOT gain all of the weight I have lost back.  Last time when I had stopped working about 8 years ago...I GAINED 75 lbs!!  That WON'T happen again.  I won't let it.  I'm tired a lot...when I'm this tired...I refer to it as being "bone tired," because that's what it feels like...everything is just tired.  I wouldn't mind staying in bed all day, every day.  But I can't & won't.  I am trying to be there for my kids, for Jeff.  I think it sucks that he has to take care of me, though he never complains about it & tells me he loves me all of the time.  My kids are always asking how I'm feeling.  Dominic told me one day when I told him I didn't feel good "you're always sick."  It made me very sad.  Because it's true & he shouldn't have to deal with that & neither should his brothers.  I feel like a failure as a mom, girlfriend, person.  I won't say that I hate myself, because it's not to that point yet, but headed that way.  There are things to look forward to in the coming months, if I can afford them, so try to think about those things instead of how I'm feeling now.  Not always an easy thing to do.  Right now...my neck is killing me.  I took some Tylenol & may go lay down with an ice pack in a bit to see if that will help any.  

In other news...I dyed my hair purple.  Yeah I know..I'm weird.  It was supposed to come out a darker purple, but my hair just doesn't "hold it" like that, so it's more of a light purple.  There is still some blonde as well.  I think it looks OK & Jeff loves it, but I do get some weird stares & sometimes comments.  Which is hard for me, because I don't like the attention...but what did I expect with purple hair, right?  I may try to do it one more time & see if I can get it any darker, then will post a picture on here.  Otherwise, I will just leave it as it is & let it fade out over time.  

I took Dominic to WWE in Denver on the 17th.  Rode up with a couple of girls that I used to work with.  It was fun until we stopped in Colorado Springs to eat.  I knew better than to eat.  Anyway, I was in a huge amount of pain from that point on...so for like 12 hours.  Was debating on whether to go to the ER somewhere, but didn't want Dominic to miss out on the show.  He loves wrestling.  So I dealt with the pain...which wasn't easy.  Haven't had my stomach hurt THAT bad in a long time.  The show was awesome, I must say!!:)  We ended up having a good time anyway.:)  Though I was afraid that I had ruined it for him. But all seemed good.  I drove the whole time...except for Colorado Springs to Denver.  But I drove until then & then all the way back.  Which I didn't mind.  One of the girls borrowed her mom's car, since hers didn't have the room for everyone.  I knew that Phillip & Matthew wouldn't be too happy with me for not taking them as well.  Matthew, whom is 10 & I thought would take it the worst, took it better than Phillip who is 16 did.  Phillip just threw one of his fits...basically just a huge attitude...refused to go to school the next day.  I mean REALLY??  He turned 16 on the 13th & has gotten a serious attitude going...though he had a bit of one before that.  He seems to think that because he's like 6'2 & 330 lbs, that I won't knock him on his ass.  But he's trying to do better in school & is now in fencing on Wednesday nights.  I'm not sure what it is he likes about fencing...but he does & I think it's cool that he is actually interested in something other than sleeping.  

I got my income tax back & am now trying to find a car for $3,000 or less.  I would like to just buy it from someone & not a dealership, because I can't afford monthly payments really, but haven't had any luck finding anything.  It has to be like an SUV or something bigger like that to fit all of us.  I would like it to have less than at least 120,000 miles.  A girl I know is selling her vehicle & will take $1800 but it has a huge amount of miles on it.  I don't see the point of paying that much & then having to get work done on it in the near future, ya know?  But the boys have a bowling tournament in Pueblo next weekend (2 hours from here) & I need a vehicle.  Being without one for almost 4 months is enough.  

My mom...things have gotten worse.  She's really depressed, has no energy, looks a lot older.  As you may recall, my step-dad died last July.  She's just lost.  It's hard to see her this way.  I'm starting to feel like that when I lost him, I lost her too.  She's cranky a lot.  Even Dominic, who stays with her every weekend, has noticed that she's always in a bad mood.  Not only that...she says mean things to me.  I don't know what that's about...but it hurts.  Just things about my weight or whatever.  I don't even know if she realizes that she's being mean.  She has asked me a couple of times why I'm being a bitch.  So I have told her it's because she sometimes says hurtful things to me & she says that she didn't mean it that way or whatever.  I honestly think that she doesn't realize she's being mean.  I just miss my mom.  That's all.  Makes me want to cry.

My grandma (dad's mom) did end up leaving a will.  Not sure if I had mentioned that earlier.  I got a copy of it.  It's just basically a piece of paper with things typed out on it.  She signed it in front of a notary who had come to her house.  So my aunt & cousin knew that she had a will & I don't see why they just didn't come out with it to begin with, instead of 3 1/2 years later.  Anyway....well...she said in this will that my sisters & I were to have NOTHING!!!!  She actually put it in capital letters & used the exclamation marks as well. Even my cousins, whom she didn't like at all when we were growing up, get ONE thing of hers as she put it. I didn't want anything, but I also didn't know she hated me.  Maybe it's because I didn't really go see her in the last years of her life.  Well, I had young kids to take care of AND she had my cousin Mark living there with her & her daughter & he's a sex offender...likes little boys...which I had at the time.  So WTF?!  My cousin, Brenda, whom she pretty much hated when we were growing up, gets $5,000 if the house is sold because she was around to help out in my grandma's later years...and Mark will get $5,000 as well for being there.  So whatever.  They can all kiss my ass.  Brenda & I used to be close, but I have been a horrible friend/cousin in recent years, just because of life being crazy.  No excuse though.  Anyway, I texted her after I read the will & told her that it didn't matter what was said in the will, that I loved her anyway & that I would like to hang out some, but it was up to her.  Never heard anything back.  So I guess that's that.  Yet another dysfunctional family thing.  I can't even apologize to my grandma.  I just have to let it go.  Which is hard for me...as some of you may know.  I have a hard time just letting anything "go."  But I'm working on that part of me.   

Guess that's all for now.  Thank you for listening to me vent.  Hope all of you are doing well. :)

STILL NO ANSWERS

They took 15 vials of blood from me the other day!!  Still everything came back negative.  Which is good and bad.  She is going to talk to a specialist in Colorado Springs and see what they say about my high white cells.  I have been in quite a bit of pain.  She said if I get to the point that I can't handle it, that she will put me in the hospital...I have seriously thought about it.  But there are reasons that wouldn't work.  My kids for one.  They won't stay with their dad.  Anyway...I have a CAT scan scheduled for tomorrow morning on my abdomen and pelvic region.  Guess just go from there.  It's getting frustrating to say the least.  I don't have a job anymore.  They just wouldn't work with me.  So kinda stressing about money.  But just have to concentrate on getting better for now.

FMM: RANDOM QUESTIONS

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Random Questions

1. Did you watch the Super Bowl?  If so, what was your favorite part?  OK...my fave team is the Saints.  I'm from Colorado, but have never really been a true Bronco fan.  I like Seattle..but thought it would be a closer game than it was!  I mean WTH?  So...yes I did watch the Super Bowl.  My fave part?  The commercials.LOL  Loved the time machine one.  And the prom one.

2. What is the weather like where you live?  It depends on the day.  It's cold & a bit snowy at the moment

3. When is your birthday?  August 31st

4. Do you prefer sparkling water or flat water?  I like cold, flat water.

5. How many hours did you sleep last night?  Around 4-5...not enough

6. What is your favorite day of the week? I don't really know...I do like Fridays.  Not sure why exactly...just always have.LOL

7. If you had to choose between riding a bike or swimming, which would you choose? I would like to swim...but am too big for that at the moment & won't go to a public pool.  If my kids and I stay at a hotel...I usually will go there...

8. How often do you eat red meat?  I love red meat...and would eat it more often if I could afford it.  So I guess I might eat it 3-4x a week.

9. What time did you wake up this morning?  5:15...it's been a long day.

10. Do you have any goals for the week?  My goal for the week?  Not to spend money on unnecessary things.  Very hard for me to do.

FREAKING OUT

I don't have a drs. appt until the 31st, but she called me last Friday evening to talk to me about the results...never a good sign if you ask me.  I missed her call, so had to wait until today...or I guess yesterday now since it's after midnight.  The tests have come back negative...but when they took my blood & looked at it under a microscope...they could see that the eosinophils are still high.  So I go back in today for more specialized blood tests.  If THOSE come back negative (hopefully she will have the test results back by Friday)...then she's going to send me to a hematologist.  If they aren't sure what is going on, most likely I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy.:(  Yeah I know...fun.  It could just be some kind of auto-immune disease that is causing this, it could be bone marrow cancer, it could be this thing called HES...which isn't great either.  It gets progressively worse & can be fatal.  It could affect multiple organs, I would have to take steroids to try to keep the eosinophils down.  I really need to quit looking all of this stuff up on the internet.  I'm just kinda freaking out here.  I'm not ready to go yet.  I don't want to be sick like that already...instead of when I'm older.  I don't want Jeff to have to take care of me.  Though he says he will always be here..that he's not going anywhere.  Gotta love that.  We have decided not to go to the therapist today & just try to work thru things on our own.  Neither one of us felt comfortable talking to a total stranger about things like that.  Will see how it all goes.

On a brighter note...today is my son, Dominic's, 12th birthday!!  I can't believe that it's been 12 years already!  I'm going to pick him up from school early & take him out to lunch.  He's happy about that.:)  My main present to him is on Feb. 17th when I take him to see Monday Night Raw in Denver.:)  

It is snowing out now.  You never know about this weather.  It was really nice & Spring like a couple of days ago.

I have gained a pound this week.:(  I'm just stressing over that.  Though it's all on me, because Jeff says he loves me the way I am & that I don't have to change for him.  I think that's awesome & amazing, but I need to do this for me.  I will NOT settle for 290 lbs.  I have exercised for the past 3 days, so am proud of myself for that.  Just have to eat better.  Hopefully I can do that after I get paid...slim pickings at the moment.  I can't take a leave of absence at work...I didn't work enough hours last year to qualify...so am trying for personal leave.  Otherwise I will have to quit & I don't really want to do that.  I just don't feel great right now & don't want to be calling in all of the time.  They have me scheduled for this weekend.:(  Maybe I will hear back from the main company by then & not have to work it & be able to keep my job.  Just go back in March or something.  Money...well it wouldn't be easy...but if we budget, we could do it.  I have never been good at budgeting, but I need to.  Jeff is applying for a job here within the next few days.  Hopefully he will get it & won't have to worry about it.

DAYS.....

I have decided that I don't like the way my questions & answers from FMM look after I post them.:(  Not sure what to do about it though.  Any help would be appreciated.  Or maybe that's just the way Blogspot is now?  

Phillip is going in late today.:(  He has a cold & would not get up this morning for the bus.  My mom will have to come get him, since I'm without a vehicle.  Hopefully that will change within the next month or so.

I started exercising again today.  It's been awhile...I HAVE been going for walks with Jeff, but my weight just isn't going anywhere & it's frustrating.  So started "Slim in 6" again today, which is kicking my butt.  I had been doing it for awhile before & things were going well.  Now...well it's just not an easy thing, but nothing worthwhile ever is.  Hopefully this will help me drop weight faster.  Right now, my first goal is 275 & I'm 289 now.  I also don't want it to take me months to lose 14 lbs.  I know that I let my weight define who I am.  Jeff says I'm always talking about my weight.  Which I guess is true.  I'm either obsessing about my weight or food it seems.  I actually think I pulled a muscle in my back exercising this morning.:(  It's hurting quite a bit at the moment.  But I have pain of one sort or another all the time.  I know that a lot of people don't believe in Fibromyalgia, but it's a real thing & it sucks.

I went to the doctor last week & tests were negative.  She is running a few more tests & I see her again on the 31st.  She ordered more blood work, a chest x-ray & I have an ultrasound on my stomach scheduled for tomorrow morning.  If all of that comes back negative, she said she would have to send me to a specialist to see what is going on.  I'm like freaking out a bit.  A white cell called Eosinophils are high.  They are usually high in parasitic infections or allergic reactions.  I have been checked for the parasites...that's the test that came back negative.  It could be other things as well...but those two are the most common.  They are usually like 5% or something & mine has been up to 29%.  Get this...she said that they have been consistently high for awhile now.  I'm like what??  She showed me my bloodwork that I had done in June & September as well.  In June, they were like `16%, in September 11%, on December 21st when it was pretty crazy & I went to the ER it was 29% & then when I went back to the ER on December 27th, they were 18%.  What I'm a bit pissed off about is if they have been consistently high....and it could go back even farther than last June...then why didn't they say anything or do something then??  I am NOT happy about that.   Then they are also going to "keep an eye" on changes in my uterus as well.  When they did the pelvic ultrasound to check for ovarian cysts, they found that there is some thickening there or whatever & if it gets any thicker, it might be an issue.  I haven't had a period since the beginning of October.  I already have my right ovary out, I'm not going to have anymore kids (tubes are tied), so they might as well just take everything out.  But she doesn't want to do that yet...we'll just wait & see.  Geez.

Jeff & I are going to go see a therapist on the 28th.  I have some issues of my own, but also the whole lack of sex thing is the main reason we are going.  He keeps telling me that it's not me, but who knows.  So maybe this will clear some things up.