LAST WEIGH IN OF THE YEAR

My last weigh in for 2013....I'm 293...very disappointing.  BUT am down 20 lbs from last year at this time. Here's to another year of losing pounds & inches.  

ISSUES & OTHER FUN THINGS

Bottom line...I don't feel good.  I went to the ER again Friday night....was in MAJOR pain.  When I first got there, my blood pressure was 130/96.  Not extremely high, but high for me.  They had my results from the pelvic exam.  I DO have a cyst on my left ovary, but they don't seem overly concerned about it.  I don't expect them to be...they aren't the ones in pain.  My white cell count is the same as it was the week before...a little high, but not a lot, I guess.  I haven't been able to eat much because I usually just end up throwing up after.  I know that's gross...but might as well put it out there.  It doesn't seem to matter WHAT I eat or when I eat it.  I was sick again just a bit ago...guess that's why I'm up so early.  I try not to eat much now because of that, but I get hungry.:(  A never ending cycle.  I may just try to drink protein shakes for a day or two.  I don't even know if that will make me sick or not as well.  I'm at a loss as to what to do.  

Jeff & I are doing OK.  We have had some long talks recently.  He's sorry that's he's not attracted to me, but he loves me a lot & won't leave unless I ask him to.  Which I won't.  I know he's bored & having a hard time here, because there isn't much work & that I'm 14 years older than him & I have health issues & don't want him to be stuck with someone who isn't feeling good most of the time.  But I love him & I guess I'm just being selfish.  Will just have to wait & see how it plays out.  

I told my ex (Dave) last month that he would have the boys New Year's Eve.  I had told him that that early, because otherwise he would say that I hadn't given him enough notice or whatever.  So I mentioned it again the other day & he said it was a good thing that he didn't have any plans!  I told him that that's why I told him a month ago & he said that he doesn't remember me telling him that!  I told him that that didn't surprise me.  He didn't listen to me when we were married, why would he listen to me now?  The boys don't want to stay with him anyway.  My mom is willing to watch two of them, but not all three.  The reason being, the oldest & youngest fight all the time & she doesn't want to deal with it.  I don't blame her.  So one of them will HAVE to stay with Dave.  Jeff & I don't have any major plans,  but we would like to just hang out alone for a bit.  We don't get to do that very often.  That being said, I have decided that I need to start spending more time with the boys individually, as well as altogether.  I went & hung out with Dominic at mom's yesterday after work.  I was hurting from standing all day (I hate that I hurt like I do), but we played "Just Dance" on the Wii.  Now THERE's a workout!LOL  Still a bit sore from that.  But it was fun & I'm glad that I was able to just hang out with him.  I have work today & tomorrow...but will see about spending some time with each of the other ones soon as well.

I"m having a hard time dealing with things at the moment. I know I'm not really old, but I AM 44 & that still freaks me out a bit...being in my 40's already.  I don't FEEL that age mentally...physically I do...hell sometimes I feel like I'm 70 physically.  So the things that are freaking me out at the moment:  getting older, getting sicker/being in pain, dying, loved ones dying....just basically running out of time to do everything that I want to do.  

I want to get another tattoo soon....still deciding what I really want.  I have also seen some people who have colored their hair blue, green, purple, pink etc...& would like to do that too!LOL  BUT like I said...I'm 44 & maybe that would look stupid.  Dave heard me mentioning that to the boys the other day & he goes "mid-life crisis?"  Hell maybe so.  I wish I had been more adventurous when I was younger & not so worried about what people thought.  I recently saw a picture of Demi Lovato & thought she looked amazing with blue hair!!  

What do you guys think I should do?  

MADE IT THRU!!;)

OK...the 23rd...I called & made the appt & was supposed to go in on the 24th for the ultrasound.  I DID end up going to work, but I was pissed off about it. LOL  Didn't go in until 12:30pm & I was scheduled to work at 8:30am.  It was crazy that day!  SO many people shopping.  I couldn't NOT go, ya know?  I told one of my managers that I might have to call in on the 24th because of the ultrasound & she pretty much said that if I did, I wouldn't have a job.  You can only miss 3 days in a 6 month period.  So it was just a crappy day.  I changed my appt to the 26th.  Work on Christmas Eve wasn't too bad.  Worked from 9:00am-5:00pm.  By that time, Jeff's mom was here & they came & picked me up & we went down to my mom's to open presents.  It was actually pretty nice.  I was worried that it would be weird.  But all turned out good.  I got some books that I wanted & a couple of other things.  Then we came home...mom had to bring the boys home a bit later because there wasn't room in Brenda's car (Jeff's mom).  It will be nice when I can get my own car again!  The boys went to sleep pretty easily...wish they would have done that when they were little!!LOL  I always had a hard time getting them to sleep because they were so excited.  I told them that they couldn't open presents Christmas morning until 7:00am, because Brenda was sleeping on an air mattress in the living room.  So we all got up then & opened presents.  They loved their presents.  They all got quite a few things.  Not only from me...but others as well.  The "main" presents....Dominic got a tablet & Matthew got a Nintendo 2DS.  Phillip got this cool ring that he wanted.  I had to order it.  He wears a size 13!  Anyway...he also got an air mattress, because his bed has seen better days.  Now just have to clean out his room & put it in there.  It will take up more space than I had thought.  He later got a guitar from his dad that he really wanted.  The boys got me some nice presents.:)  Books & jewelry.  I love them so much!!  I didn't feel great Christmas day & had to lay down a lot, which I felt bad about.  It was a beautiful day out.  I was just really hurting (my stomach).  Brenda fixed dinner.  That had been the plan from the beginning, but I still felt bad that I wasn't able to help her.  It was really good!  The boys had gone with their dad.  My mom stopped by for a few & ate with us.  Which I loved.  I'm glad that she decided to come over.  Later, Brenda & I watched the movie "Heat" with Sandra Bullock & Melissa McCarthy.  I LOVED the movie!  It was sooo funny!  It was good to laugh.  I love Sandra Bullock.  Melissa McCarthy was awesome though!  She has a new fan.  

Will write more later.  Hope everyone had a great Christmas!!

WORK & LIFE

I'm hurting quite a bit right now.:(  Supposed to call the hospital in about a half hour to set up the ultrasound.  I have to be at work at 8:30am...so should probably be in the shower by now...but it can wait a few.  I did work yesterday.  A LONG day for sure....10:00am-7:00pm.  I was tired.  But I made it.  Went to look at Christmas lights with mom & the boys last night.  Came home, ate a little, watched some of a TV show with Jeff & then I was out.  I have so much to do before I go to work in the morning.  Need to clean the apartment...which means: dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, straightening up bedrooms.  I still have a few presents to wrap.  Jeff's mom will be here sometime tomorrow.  So have to get things done tonight after I get off of work.  Have to work at 9:00am tomorrow, so won't have time then.  I don't feel good at all this morning.  Just feeling overwhelmed.  I guess it wouldn't be so bad if his mom wasn't coming up, but she is such a ball of fire.  Efficient.  Clean house, so much energy.  I actually feel not good enough.  I worry about what she will think of our place (even though she's seen it before), I worry about how her & my kids will get along, since they haven't been around each other pretty much at all.  She's bringing an air mattress, so she can sleep in the living room.  So everyone will have to be quiet after a certain time.  My kids tend to wander to the kitchen during the night...but the living room & kitchen are in the same area...no division between them.  She's bringing her dog (a black cocker spaniel) & Jeff' cat....who by the way HATES me.  I have never had an animal who hides from me or hisses at me when I pick it up!  I think she's just jealous!LOL  She adores Jeff.  At least I get along with the dog & SHE loves me.:)  But Jeff is very picky about his cat.  He can't have her here, because of rules of the apartment complex, but he's worried about her getting out the door when one of the boys opens it, or eating something that it shouldn't, or getting into something it shouldn't while it's here.  That adds a little stress to my life as well.  We're all invited to a Christmas Eve party at my mom's friends house...but Jeff isn't sure he wants to go, since his mom & him don't know the people & "what will I do with my cat?"  Mom has Christmas Eve dinner during the day, because my sister has her daughters then before they go with their dad.  I won't be able to make the dinner because of work.  But then as soon as I get off of work, will go to mom's so all of us can open each other's presents while everyone is still there.  I want Jeff to go as well...but guess it depends on if his mom is here yet or not (I'm sure she will be).  Most likely, he will back out of doing that too.  Come to think of it, he backs out of quite a few things having to do with my family.  He says he'll go to Dominic's band concert or whatever, then ends up not feeling good enough to go.  Kind of annoying actually.  I know he wants more of just me & him time, but he also needs to do things with my kids & I & things like that.  Tell me if I'm wrong.   Then another rant....I texted him yesterday from work how stressed I was having to have to come home, do the dishes, clean up the place, etc.  Think he would have done anything to help with that?  Nope.  I come home every day & if I haven't done the dishes the night before, they just aren't done.  Same with cleaning up everything.  I expect that from my kids...not from the other adult in the house.  I love Jeff immensely.  I could just use some help from time to time. 

Today is weigh in day, but not sure if I will or not.  I know I have gained a few pounds.  My battle with Cheetos is being lost at the moment!!LOL  I will work harder this coming week....AFTER I eat Christmas dinner.;)

HOSPITAL

On Friday night, I was in serious pain.   It was the period cramps x 100.  Then it was just my whole stomach hurting.  Throwing up, etc.  Yuck, I know.  Woke up yesterday & hurt some, but went to watch the boys bowl.  I had my mom take me to the ER after that...so at noon.  They were a little busy when I got there, but not too bad.  This is a small town, so they usually see you pretty fast.  Well after they got me into a room, everything got a bit crazy.  Guess a lot of people didn't feel good yesterday or broke bones.  I was in the room for 2 hours before I saw a doctor.  He said I would need to do a urine sample & have some blood tests done.  That was at 2:00pm.  They came in to take the blood & everything at 3:15pm.  He said it would take 45 minutes for the results.  They came in with the results at 5:15pm.  During this time, they had given me an IV with a pain medication called Toradol.  It helped a little with the pain, but pretty much just made me tired.  I was hurting again by the time they came back in at 5:15pm.  He said that my white cell count was a bit high.  So I have an infection somewhere in my body.  He wants me to call the hospital in the morning & make an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound to see if anything is going on there...ovarian cysts, etc.  He gave me a Vicodin for the pain, plus a prescription for a few more.  Well....I only took that one & it pretty much made me not feel good.  Nauseous...though it DID help with the pain.  So not sure if I will get the prescription filled or not.  I was supposed to work last night, but couldn't.  I have to work this morning & for the next two days.  Not sure if I'm going to go in though.  Still hurting some.  After I had left the hospital, I wondered that since I have an infection in my body...why didn't they give me some antibiotics?  So hopefully it doesn't get worse before they figure out what's going on.  I was planning on taking a "break" from work after the first of the year...at least for a couple of months.  For a couple of reasons.  One is that I don't want mom to have to continue to come get me & take me to work & then pick me up all the time.  Another is that I just need to focus on my health & try to get better.  I don't want to quit & I don't want to get fired.  But since I missed the last couple of Saturdays & may miss more if they want to do the ultrasound tomorrow or Tuesday....I may end up getting fired.  I work at Wal Mart & Christmas is Wednesday....sooooo.   But I can't help being sick.  So instead of waiting until after the 1st of the year, I may be done working already.  I was going to try to go in today...but just hurting.  I hate calling in....you know they aren't happy about it.  Some people continue to work even if they're really sick & they just get worse.  I got a copy of all of my blood results & there is one thing that is low...short is "neut."  So I looked it up.  It's basically a white cell that helps fight off infection..."normal" is 42 & above & mine is 37.  So not only do I have an infection my white cells are trying to fight off (that's why the white cell count is high), but some of the white cells aren't up to par & doing their job.  I looked it up on the Internet...which isn't always a good idea...but at least I have more information.  With that one being low, I'm more susceptible to getting sick....so working at Wal Mart wouldn't be the best idea right now.  Just feel guilty as hell for not working. 

FRUSTRATED, BUT ALSO THANKFUL.

I'm so frustrated with my weight.  I thought for sure that I would be below 288 this week...but nooooo....back up to 291!:(  Not happy about that at all.  Just need to focus.

Work went OK today...very long.  Came home to find the dishes STILL not done.  I would have done them last night, but Jeff said "No, I will do them tomorrow."  Ummmm....guess not?  Kinda pisses me off.  He gets annoyed that Phillip (my 15 year old) sleeps all day & doesn't do much of anything....he can't really say much about that at this moment. 

On a more positive note....the Christmas tree is decorated & looks nice.  I will have to take a pic & post it.:)  I have most of the presents wrapped...just a few more to go.  I want to go help mom with some things tomorrow...since I have the next 4 days off.  Woo Hoo!!:) 

Jeff doesn't like going to mom's because she smokes & everything smells like smoke...then HE smells like smoke after he's there.  Mom thinks it's because he doesn't like her.  I haven't told her about the smoke thing yet.  It aggravates me.  I like going to her house & playing cards...but we need 3 people...Duke used to play...but he's gone now.  It's not like there are a lot of options.  But oh well.  I don't know how much of a conflict my relationship with my mom will be with Jeff & I.  It had better not be a conflict AT ALL. 

NOT FEELING GREAT

I slept a lot of yesterday.  Supposed to work today, but called in.  I feel bad doing it...especially this time of year...but I'm hurting at the moment.  My stomach has really been hurting, but mostly right now the pain is in my back towards the middle on my left side & it comes around to the front on my left side.  My left arm aches.  I'm not running a fever or anything....a fever for me is anything 98 & up, since my usual temp is 95-96.  I'm going to call the doctor as soon as they open this morning & hopefully I can get in.  I didn't want to go to the ER last night, even though I felt like I needed to, because I can't afford that.  The boys bowl this morning & they want me there & so I will do my best to be there.  I have missed the last two weeks since I had to work.  They are all on a bowling league & they really enjoy it.

The Christmas tree is up...it's a pre-lit tree...but some of the lights don't work anymore...so I found out when we put it up.  So will have to add some lights.  Then will probably decorate it tomorrow evening sometime when Dominic is home too.  He stays at my mom's on the weekends.  It's just what he does.  I think it's just to get away from brothers who fight all of the time.  I must say that I get tired of all of their fighting too.  It's ridiculous. 

Jeff is an amazing boyfriend.  He rubs my back when I don't feel good, gets me things from the kitchen when I don't feel like moving.   I'm happy that he's here with me.  I know that he may not be able to stay even though we both want that.  He can't find a job here.  He's very smart & working fast food...well just not for him.  He would take that job though if it was available.  Living in a small town isn't always the best thing.  He's trying to find some on line work as well.  I hope that he finds something soon.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Going back to bed.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend.