HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Hope everyone has a great day!! Taking the boys trick-or-treating tonight. Dave is going with us. At first, he had some stupid idea that we each take one of the younger kids...I'm like "are you serious??" This will probably be the last Halloween they have with him and he comes up with THAT?? I believe that it's partly Gracie telling him what to do. Anyway, this is FOR the boys and we are taking them together. I told him that it's not like we have to hold hands or anything.LOL It's just ridiculous. I'm not sure if Phillip is going to dress up at all, but Dominic and Matthew are both going to be ninjas. They have different colored costumes. They have parties at school today..Dominic wanted to be a zombie for that. So he just put some fake blood on a white shirt. I think he was just embarrassed to wear the ninja costume at school.LOL

I haven't talked to Bobby at all. I kinda figured I wouldn't. Not that big of a deal really. I've been texting a couple of guys from Denver and they're pretty cool. Jeff H. & Mike K. Jeff is 30 and Mike is 39. Mike and I also talk on the phone. He's a cool guy and he gives me that "butterfly" feeling whenever I hear from him. Which is nice. It may not go anywhere with either one of them (I live 3 hrs away), but it's nice having them in my life for the moment. I have learned and pretty much come to accept that nobody stays permanently in my life. At least guys don't. It's not that I'm OK with that, I just accept it. I haven't "slept" with a guy in over 2 weeks. Hey, that has to be some kind of record!!LOL I'm just not into the hook ups anymore. I want and need more than that. Let's just hope I have the willpower to continue with that. I got a letter from Arturo on Saturday with a picture. He's still looking all hot and everything. Told me he loves me and still wants to marry me. Tells me he's glad that I never gave up on him, etc. I still really care about him, but is it too little too late? I don't know. I do know that I have a bit of a wall up where he is concerned.

I went hunting with my mom and step-dad all last week. Well THEY hunted. I'm pretty sure I couldn't hit the side of a barn!!LOL I mostly just drove and tried to find a friggin' buck. Plenty of does, but that's about it. Mom had a buck tag, my step-dad (Duke) didn't have a tag for this season. I swear that deer are crazy. They know when to "hide" during hunting season...yet they continually run out in front of cars!! Anyway, mom didn't get anything, but it was sooo nice being able to just talk to her and hang out with her.:) Duke had his truck and then I drove mom around. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad for the memories. On the downside, I ate waaayyyy too much cookies, crackers, mini candy bars, etc. I felt like a serious cow. But the last few days of last week, I did OK and will weigh myself later this morning. Anyway, another season starts on the 5th. Mom has an elk tag for that one and Duke has a buck tag. Hopefully they will have better luck this next season.

Dave hit a deer on his way to work last week and hit it HARD (like at 60 mph). Luckily Dave was OK..it would have been a lot worse if it was a bigger deer or an elk. I'm glad he's OK!! His car was pretty messed up though. It's in the shop now. Can't say that I'm sad about the car....it's a 2009 and I have a 1993 and I never thought that was fair. Karma and all....I know that's probably horrible to say, right?

Gracies' daughter, Nicole, & I get along. Which is weird to say the least. She's 23 and has 3 little kids. She is having a birthday party for 2 of them on November 12th and she invited me and the boys! Well they all live with Gracie. I'm actually going to go if the weather is decent. Might be a little weird. Dave and Gracie being there and all. But oh well. It was ballsy of Nicole to ask and I have to give her credit for that. I don't have to be NICE to Gracie..but I'm pretty sure I can be CIVIL. My mom would kick my ass if she knew. But I know that I have to try to adapt to the whole situation. I don't know if that will ever really happen, but we'll see. My friend, Sean, might go with me. I'm not sure yet. I may have mentioned him earlier. He lives in Denver (doesn't everyone??)LOL We have talked on the phone off and on for over a year. I asked him if he wanted to go to the party with me and he said yes. But we'll see. It would be nice to have someone to go with so maybe I wouldn't feel so friggin' awkward. I told him my kids would be with me..he said he didn't have a problem with that..but I'm sure he'll be irate if we don't get any time alone. But that's not my problem and I'm not even sure that's true..that he would be upset.

Oh, we're supposed to see a mediator about the visitation. I told Dave that I'm not spending money on the mediator when he screwed things up for me before. The mediator is an ass. He TELLS you how it's going to be, doesn't discuss it. I don't like him and I refuse. So not sure where it will go from there. Dave is being all nice again. I don't get him. He tells me that we have nothing to talk about, but then texts me and stuff. Trying to keep me on the string a little? I really don't know. But I just do the day to day thing and try not to let it get me down.

WEDNESDAY....

OK, I know that I said that I was pretty much giving up on weight loss...I'm sooo not. I didn't come this far to just quit. I just get in my "moods." I got the papers filed at the courthouse yesterday and sent a copy to Dave. He may not be too happy, but I can't worry about that. He didn't care how I felt when he filed the papers behind my back. My problem is, I still care. He dropped Dominic off at moms' last night and came in!! Is he crazy??? My mom and step-dad are sooo pissed off at him right now and he just waltz in. Luckily, they were in their rooms, but my step-dad came out of his room to see who was there and then went back in (Thank God). After Dave left, he's like "what the hell was he doing in here?" He wasn't mad at me, he's just pissed at Dave. Dave had some serious balls, because I had told him how they feel about him right now. Then he brought the boys some soda and brought me one too! He usually doesn't..so WTF? You wouldn't believe how hard it is not to just text him when I want, but so far, have just been keeping it to the topic of the boys. If he says anything different (like trying to start a conversation), I ignore the text. It's really hard to do.:(

One of my guy "friends" texted me last night and asked if I wanted to "hook up." I said "nah, sorry." He was like WTH??LOL Just tired of all that crap. Then Bobby..thought he wanted more of a relationship with me..that's what he had said..of course he HAD been drinking at the time!LOL We texted some yesterday and he said we are just friends. Well at least that's cleared up. I told him I don't "sleep" with all of my friends. So now that he knows he's not getting any, who knows if he will still want to hang out or not. Doesn't matter either way to me really.

Q&A

I borrowed this from a friends' blog..so feel free to do the same.:)

1. What is your favorite word? DESTINY
2. What is your least favorite word? HATE
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? LOVE
4. What turns you off? LIARS
5. What is your favorite curse word? F**K (sorry to say)LOL
6. What sound or noise do you love? A BABY'S BELLY LAUGH
7. What sound or noise do you hate? PEOPLE ARGUING
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? WRITER
9. What profession would you not like to do? COOK
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? WELCOME HOME! DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT!!lol

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE...

Yesterday wasn't a good day AT ALL. Very emotional. Dave and I talked on the phone some and I cried a lot. It's kinda like going thru the divorce all over again. I should have just cut all ties a long time ago. I was such a mess yesterday that I just felt that I couldn't do this all again and that maybe I should just quit life...but I have kids...I CAN'T and WON'T do that, but I can't say that the thought isn't there sometimes. I just have to keep going and hope for the best...though that's hard for me right now. I just don't see much to look forward to in the future. I wish I felt better. I just feel sick to my stomach (literally) and a bit panicky. Don't want to deal with this again.

I have also decided that I will stay away from guys for awhile (we will see how long THAT lasts). I'm just tired of dealing with them and their bullshit. I sent texts to some of them yesterday wishing them the best and all. A few of them texted back and asked what was going on. I just told them that I didn't hear from them that much anyway, so didn't see the point. They apologized and said they would be "better." It doesn't really matter to me at this point in time.

I didn't get the papers turned in yesterday, but will today, since this is the last day that I can.

MONDAY....

Yesterday was NOT a good day. I stayed in bed and slept all day. Just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I see the dr on Wednesday to see about my anti-depressants, but there is no miracle cure out there. I weighed today and knew that I would be up some pounds. Didn't take my water pill yesterday and plus I have been pretty much eating whatever. We don't have any money right now and won't until Nov. 3rd. So have to eat what's in the house, which isn't much and what is there is certainly not low carb. I weigh 313 lbs. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I was just meant to be fat.

Then Dave and I got into an argument last night over the phone. One day he's saying he wants us to be friends, that he doesn't want to lose the friendship..then last night he's saying we can be "friendly" for the boys' sakes. Tells me one minute that I can always talk to him and then tells me last night that I can't always cry on his shoulder. Then what really did it for me was "we're divorced, there is nothing left between us except for the kids." Guess he put my in MY place. So pretty much I have just been acting like an idiot this whole time. Trying to be friends. So that's fine...we will only talk about the kids. But he better live by that as well. He calls to make sure the kids were up for school this morning and tells me that he called off work today, because his stomach has been hurting all night. I know that he expected me to say I'm sorry or I hope he feels better soon, but I didn't. I was just like "oh." That wasn't about the boys..so guess I don't have to address it.

I'm going to the courthouse this monrhing and responding to the parenting plan. If they go with his plan, we will get even less child support than we do now. He said he would pay the same amount and the extra (up to $400) he will give to me. Yeah RIGHT. Will believe that whe I see it.

I'm sooo tired today and have no reason to be.

NEW PICS AND UPDATE

OK...there are some shirts that I shouldn't probably wear because they make me look bigger than I am. The September 2011 photo is one of those!!LOL But anyway..wanted to put an updated pic or two of me up. I have decided to go with the "flat hair" look for awhile and see how that goes. It's a bit weird, because I have always tried for the big "80's hair." My hair has always just been too thin. As I have gotten older...I'm not as concerned as I once was about what people think of me. I still care, but just not as much.

I weighed 310 on Monday.:( I have been exercising every day since then and haven't been eating as much, but I'm still around the same.:( I know muscle weighs more than fat and all and I'm hoping that's it. It's just really frustrating. I don't want to be in the 300's anymore. So I will keep exercising and drinking a ton of water and hopefully that will eventually get me down to where I want to be.

As for Dave...he got all teary-eyed and said that he doesn't want to give up the friendship. Said he was sorry for sending the certified letter. That I can get ahold of the court and tell them that we will sit down and figure it out ourselves...well he should have done that before he did all this other crap. I don't understand him at all.

Phillip has been saying that he wants to kill himself.:( He cries most nights, because he doesn't want his dad to move. The other two are upset as well, but don't show it like Phillip does. So I'm the one who has to try to comfort him and tell him that things will be OK. When I don't even know for sure that they will be. I texted Dave and told him about how upset Phillip is and, of course, he didn't text back. Phillip says he has tried to tell Dave how he feels, but that he won't listen and just ignores him. Dave is putting his happiness before his kids' happiness and he can't tell me otherwise. His priorities are screwed up if you ask me. But he will deny that they are.

I spent last weekend with Jason. He stayed over at my place. I know, I know...but he is a cool guy and I think he just wants someone to hang out with. He totally loves Kelly. I hope that she comes back. They belong together. The boys were with Dave last weekend. I don't have guys around my kids...as I have said before.

Then I met this guy on Wednesday (Jack) and we hung out for a bit. Hooked up and then went to lunch. That's all it was..was a hook up. He lives 3 hours away and drove all that way for a HOOK UP. Guys are sooo strange.LOL We had talked a bit before then...but haven't talked since. It just wasn't all that. He's a cool guy and all and we got along, but it just wasn't there. I can't seem to stop what I'm doing.:( I know I'm an adult and we all have to take responsibility for our actions...I just feel out of control. I don't know where my morals and everything have gone.:( I hesitate to even write about this stuff, because I know that people will judge me, but I figure that I might as well be honest. At least on here. I'm certainly not in "real life." I lie to myself more than I lie to anyone else..but I still lie to people to an extent.

PANICKY....

I don't know what my problem is tonight, but I can't "calm down." I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I don't have anyone to talk to and I think that's making it worse. I want to call or text Dave..even though he's asleep. He could always calm me down. Now that's gone. I'm alone. Always. People around me and still alone. It makes me sick to think about. What am I going to do? Who am I going to turn to? I just feel like screaming. I have more to say on this blog..but I can't even concentrate right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in my own skin or something, if that even makes any sense.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” -Orson Welles.