WORDS CAN'T BE TAKEN BACK......

OK, recently, I have been "better" about dealing with my ex. But sometimes he just pushes my buttons. Last night was one of those nights. We hardly talk anymore..which is still hard for me. Yes we're divorced and I guess that talking isn't "normal" anymore. But, like I said before, he was also my best friend. He will say sometimes that we can talk whenever I want to, etc. Believe me, that's not the case. He just wants me basically to just not talk about anything important or serious. He doesn't want to hear it. Well we have 3 kids together and he's going to have to listen SOME, right? Yes I should be totally over this by now...I'm getting there, but not totally done yet. I DO wish it would hurry up though. People have said it takes 2 years...well 2 years from WHEN? From the divorce itself? From when he moved out? I hope it's the latter..because it will be 2 years in August. Anyway, I said something last night about wanting us to talk more and he's like "We're divorced Tammy. We can be FRIENDLY and be friends." Then I didn't let him finish the sentence. I'm not a two year old who needs to be told that we're divorced. I'm perfectly aware of the fact. He then said if I try to keep the kids away from him, that he would fight for custody. Which I can understand. I wouldn't keep the kids from him, though I have threatened it before. In the papers, he's supposed to see them on weekends (unless he goes to Denver to see HER), every other 4th of July and the 2nd week of Christmas vacation. Maybe I should just hold it to that, instead of letting him see them every day? I asked him about his retirement again...it won't be for another 20 years or so, but I asked if I could have some of it, since we were married for 13 years and am entitled to some of it because of that. He said "if it's in the papers." Well it's not. I don't want ALL of it or even HALF of it. Just SOME of it. He goes "why so you don't have to work?" WTH??? This is like in 20 YEARS..not right now. I'm on disability and have been for years...had it when we got married. So he KNOWS that I can only work a certain amount of time a week. It's a long story, but right now, I'm still a stay-at-home mom. Yes I will have to find a job soon...because getting paid once a month...with disability and child support, just doesn't cut it. But he had NO RIGHT to say that. There's no way that I CAN'T get a job. We need the money. Dave pays the house payment thru next March (court ordered) and then it's on me. I told him that the boys and I would have to move, because I can't afford to live here. He said "well maybe the Section 8 will come thru and you can get a job here." OK, yes I signed up for Section 8 housing last year. It's a 2 year waiting list. I think I'm like #66 on the list. There are NO jobs around here unless you want to do fast food or clean hotel rooms. I don't think so. I'm not a snob, but I'm not doing that crap again. Have done both before and that was enough. I used to work at Wal-Mart, but they aren't hiring here..or maybe they're just not hiring me? Who knows. He just doesn't get it. He lives with his sister RENT FREE. He got a brand new car last August, while I drive a 1993 vehicle. He has no bills except his car payment, insurance and his cell phone. I have everything else. My car payment, insurance, heat, lights, water, trash, TV/internet/phone, my insurance premium (health). After he stops making the house payment ($800 a month), there's no way that I can stay here and pay that AND have any extra money left after the other bills. So if I can't get a decent job here, I'm screwed. This is a small town and there just isn't much. But he likes to ignore all of that stuff and live in his own little dream world. He can't figure out why I'm so stressed out and pissed off. So I called him a jerk and a few other choice names. Which was wrong, but I was pissed. I have a hard time controlling my mouth when I get that mad. On another note, we haven't messed around in months...before, it's like he wanted both of us. So that's how I know he's totally over me...not trying anything anymore. Though he did come by a couple of weeks ago and we messed around a little, but that didn't make me feel better...I just kept thinking about him and her. I don't even know what the hell he was doing. Anyway, so after I got mad last night, I texted her (yes I have her number) and basically told her that Dave and I had messed around and hoped she liked to share. That she wasn't as good at some things (he told me!). Was it nice or right? Not really. But, at the time, I didn't really care. Now I feel a bit guilty about it. It's funny, people can hurt me all the time and not give a shit. I can't do that. Even if people hurt me first, I don't like hurting them back. That's just stupid. I need to get meaner or tougher or something. Tired of getting walked all over.

I was in bed most of yesterday with a migraine.:( I used to get them a lot, but hadn't for awhile. I wouldn't wish those on anyone. I also have a rash on my neck that itches like crazy. I have no idea what that's about.

The diet and exercise thing isn't going so well.:( But I'm working on it.

Oh I told Dave that when we go to Denver for the bowling tournament the weekend of the 14th, that he needs to keep her away from me, since she will be there too. I'm just not in the mood to meet her and deal with it all. He's going up there this weekend as well. Phillip has gone up with him before, but I told Dave that he's not going up with him anymore and the two younger ones not at all. Phillip always comes back more upset than he was before he left! It's BS.

Then my youngest, Matthew, is being bullied at school. He's 7. They don't need to put up with that crap. He has a bruise on his knee from where the little brat kicked him yesterday. I'm going by the school today to see what can be done. My oldest was bullied too...probably still is some..but not as much since he could knock someone the fuck out if he wanted to now.LOL Though I tell him not to do that. But they go to school to learn and they don't need to put up with that crap. Parents should teach their kids NOT to be bullies. I just heard on the news today, that two 14 year old girls in Minnesota hung themselves..they were friends. They were getting bullied at school too. I WON'T let it come to that. If need be, I will just try to homeschool them...Phillip wants that anyway.

MY DAY...

My day went pretty well.:) I took the boys to moms' to look for Easter eggs and then to my ex-sister-in-law's to do the same. Then ate a little bit at both places!! So had plenty to eat today. The boys had fun and that's all that's important.

Arturo called me again tonight. So confusing. I still love him and care about him. I just don't see how he can just come back into my life and think that it's all OK. When he was talking to me, he was talking to another prisoner who has family here in town and I guess the guy asked how Arturo knew me and he says "she's with me." I'm like WHAT?LOL Then before he hung up, he says "I love you." I hope he gets out. I really do. I want to be able to see him again and see if there is any way we could make it work. But, then again, I don't see how I can trust him to be there for me thru the hard times. Why can't things be easy? I haven't seen him in person for almost 6 months. Then if he doesn't get out..well who knows how he will act towards me.

OK, going to start exercising again tomorrow..whether I feel like it or not AND try to watch what I eat. We go to Denver on May 13th..would like to lose at least 10 lbs before then. Let's hope that happens.

Q&A about me.....

BASICS

NAME: Tammy

NICKNAME: Tam

AGE: 41

B-DAY: August 31, 1969

BIRTH PLACE: Salida, CO

CURRENT LOCATION: Same as above

EYE COLOR: Green

HAIR COLOR: Brownish-blonde

PIERCINGS: One in each ear

TATTOOS: Not yet, but plan on getting one

BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: No.:(

SIBLINGS: 2 younger sisters, an older half sister, a younger step sister and brother


FAVES

COLOR: Green, blue and purple

MUSIC: A ton!! Nickelback Creed, etc.

SPORT: like watching pro football

HOLIDAY: Christmas

FOOD: real mashed potatoes and gravy

NUMBER: 4, 13

MOVIE: Tombstone and anything with Sandra Bullock in it

CELEBRITY: Sandra Bullock!LOL

PLACE: Ireland..though have never been there

DRINK: Alchololic: screwdriver. Regular: Diet Coke

DAY OF WEEK: Friday

MONTH: August

CITY: Las Vegas

ANIMAL: cat

TIME OF DAY: Evening

SMELL: Lilacs, freshly mown grass, rain, cinnamon, vanilla

T.V CHANNEL: ALL!!LOL

SONG: There are a lot...but like "Breathing" by Lifehouse a lot


THIS OR THAT


HUGS OR KISSES: Both

PEPSI OR COKE: Coke

MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: McDonalds

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla

LOVER OR FIGHTER: Lover

FRIENDS OR FAMILY: Both

LOVE OR MONEY: Both!! But love is more important

LISTEN TO SOMEONE TALK OR TALKING: Depends on my mood

PERSONALITY OR LOOKS: Personality definitely

MAGAZINES OR COMICS: Magazines

POP STAR OR WORD UP: ???


LOVE

ARE YOU IN LOVE? Not right now..but wish I was!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? No..though it would be romantic!

LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 11 1/2 years

KISS ON A FIRST DATE? Depends on the chemistry

EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE? (BE HONEST) Yes unfortunately..when I was younger


RANDOM

DO YOU DO DRUGS? Nope

DO YOU DRINK? Yes when I go out

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? I would like to say no, but yeah there are a few

WANT TO GET MARRIED? Been there, done that. Not sure I would do it again

WANT KIDS? Already have 3 and I'm done.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF? Not as much as I should

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE MOVIES? WAS IT GOOD? The last Twilight that was out and YES.:)

CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH? Sometimes..but would rather have the truth than a lie

BIGGEST FEAR? death of myself and/or loved ones, spiders

MOST MISSED MEMORY? Job Corps in 1989 in Montana

FIRST THOUGHT ON WAKING UP? It's too damn early!!

HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE: I don't. But if I have to...in my sleep, I guess

DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? Yes I get along with my mom. dad passed away in 2001

DO YOU SWEAR? More than I should!

DO YOU HAVE A PET? cat named Willow

HAVE YOU EVER PASSED OUT? Almost

DO YOU PARTY? Sometimes

DO YOU GET GOOD GRADES? N/A


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

GOD: Yes

RELIGION: Somewhat

ALIENS: You never know

GHOST: Yes

AFTERLIFE: Yes

MYSELF: sometimes

KARMA: YES

MAGIC: Yes


IN A GUY

EYE COLOR: Doesn't matter

HAIR COLOR: Doesn't matter

SHORT OR LONG HAIR: Short

HEIGHT: Taller than me...so 5'8 and above

PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS: Tattoos look HOT on a guy, piercings...not so much

JUST CUTE OR SEXY? Can I have both???LOL

HOBBIES: I love reading!! Also: Bingo, astrology, genealogy, crossword/logic puzzles, watching TV/movies, going for walks, listening to music, surfing the net, hanging out with friends, meeting new people.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!:) Don't really know what I'm going to do right now. No definite plans. I swear, you could have Easter in July and it would STILL snow here!!!LOL We have snow! Totally crazy. So the Easter Bunny will just have to freeze his little tail off getting those eggs out.:)

The trip to Vegas was AWESOME! Everything went GREAT. I now wish I lived close to Chris...I REALLY like him, but he's not interested in a long distance relationship. Which I can understand...just makes me sad. We went hiking in Red Rocks National Park..think that's what it's called!!LOL Went to a Dodgers/Braves games in LA on the 21st!! That was sooo cool!! First time I had ever been to a professional game of any kind. We just had a lot of fun. I miss him. But hopefully we'll remain friends always.

Got a letter from Arturo....with a couple of pics. He still looks good if you ask me. Says he's still in love with me. Whatever. He doesn't realize how bad he messed it up.

Ron still texts a lot. I text back. I still like him, but don't see how it would go anywhere if he doesn't have a job or anything.

Bruce (in Alaska) called me yesterday and we talked some. I DO miss him and definitely want to see him in July. I just don't know how that will all go.

I'm not being selfish here, but I need to look out more for #1. I need to do what is best for ME...that in return will be better for my kids. I'm always putting everyone else before me. I need to make myself happy. I need to learn to love myself. I know it won't be easy, but I will get there. I'm planning on taking some on-line classes...not sure in what yet...accounting or maybe medical transcription. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to be better off financially AND to feel better about myself. Chris is really good at pushing me to better my life..to make things happen, instead of just letting life happen to me. Just gotta get up off my lazy butt and do it.

The low carb thing fell by the wayside while I was in Vegas...so now I feel like crap. Need to get back on the wagon and also start exercising again. My body just doesn't feel good. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Though I still fit into the size 46 jeans...I still feel huge. So will get back into the program. I need to do this for me. Chris recently had the "stomach sleeve" done and while I was there, he barely ate anything! I was envious AND felt bad for being hungry!!LOL He just gets full a lot faster. My eating has been out-of-control. I will TRY to eat better today...but most likely will have to REALLY start tomorrow.

My 18 year old niece, Justine..she is having some major issues. She has just given up basicaly. Doesn't want to do anything. Is depressed and annoyed. You should see her posts on Facebook!!! Anyway, I hope she gets herself together soon.

DOING OK

I have a hard time thinking of 'titles!'lol Ok, this is the end of Day 5 of low carb..woo hoo! Proud of myself for making it this far. Have lost 5 lbs. I will weigh in the morning again. I was/am hoping that I will lose another 3 at least by Monday. Today is one of the harder days on the low carb front. I was sooo hungry it seemed...just don't have a lot of money right now to buy groceries or anything...let alone low carb thing. So just pretty much existing on eggs, string cheese, radishes, green beans, peanuts, sausage..oh and had some Spam tonight. I need more variety, but that will have to wait. I have a bit more energy and feel better..but still think about food a lot and probably always will.

My computer turned off the other night..even though it was plugged in. So took the cord in and found that it was totally dead...so he sold me a used one for $15. A new one, after ordering it and all would have cost like $50, so this is fine for now. At least I can be on the computer..which, of course, is all important!LOL

I have stayed off the gambling site. I try not to even THINK about it. I called the bank about my debit card as well to see if I had any money in there..which I didn't...no surprise. BUT I had used $20 off of there one time on that site. Well I THOUGHT it was a secured site. Obviously NOT. I'm glad I didn't have any more money in my account. A few hours after I used my card, 2-3 other place (or same place?) tried to take MORE money out that I didn't even authorize!! So they cancelled my card and issued me another one. So be careful when using a card on-line! One of my friends...someone who I didn't even think would help me, gave me some money and I'll pay her back on the 3rd. I'm very grateful for the help. I just gave the money to mom, so I'm still broke. Oh well. I don't think she told my step-dad, if she did, he didn't say anything or act any different.

Guess who called me tonight??? Arturo!! WTF is all I have to say. Well not really, but that was my first thought!LOL He just wanted to see how I was doing, that he hadn't forgotten about me, that he's just tired of letting people down by not getting out when he says he might. This is his 5th year up for parole. I hope that he DOES get out. I believe that he has served his time. He's just really depressed and nervous about it. I don't really know what to tell him. I told him that I would be here for him always. I just don't think that I can ever totally trust him again. As I see it, he bailed on me big time. The last time he called was March 20th and like I wrote, he pretty much blamed a lot of things on me. I still love him and miss him. Part of me is angry that he even called me. Another part is happy. Why call when I was trying to get past it? I don't know. I just hope that he gets all that he wants from now on. He's a good person...OK I KNOW he's a prisoner..but SOME of them CAN change and deserve a second chance. He said that he would try to call around his birthday which is May 6th. I DO feel a bit bad for him. His dad was seeing him pretty regularly, but then he met someone and pretty much disappeared from Arturo's life. Writes every now and then..but not often. He used to send him money for things and now he doesn't. I don't think that's right, but whatever.

Ron and I are doing OK. Just going slow. I'm not sure if Arturo thought that I would wait around for him after he told me pretty much that he didn't want me in his life..that's how I took it. I was perfectly willing to wait for him until he started acting like a jerk.

Got our new phones today..I'm on my step-dads' plan. It's a bit hard getting used to, but glad I have a new one! My old one had had it.

I'm still nervous about everything going "right" when I leave for Vegas on Monday, but I'm excited too. Will just have to "go with the flow" and not worry so much.

My mom and step-dad went to Grand Junction today (4 hrs away) to see my youngest sister and her baby. Jasmine will be 8 months old on the 26th. I've never seen her.:( Maybe one of these days.

My other sisters' daughter, Taylor, turned 13 yesterday!!!

NEEDING HELP.......

OK, so now do I not only need help for depression and eating way too damn much...now I need it for gambling as well. I'm soooo over it! I got ahold of the gambling site today and told them to close my account. I have to keep myself from going on there ever again. Isn't that ridiculous? That I can't do things in moderation...eating, drinking, gambling, etc. etc. I have to do too much of everything. My mom now knows that even MORE money is coming out of her account...to the tune of $300!!! So now I'm asking friends if I can "borrow" money until I get paid at the beginning of next month. If you don't think that's not embarrasssing...:( I feel so low right now. I don't even know if anyone has any money to help me with, but I NEED to give the money to mom..this isn't HER fault and I have to make things right. I'm hoping she doesn't mention it to my step-dad..he will NOT be happy.

Today is my last day of bowling (I'm on a league). I will miss it. Not sure if I will be on a league next year or not. Will just have to wait and see.

Leaving for Vegas on Monday...I should be happy and excited, but I'm really not. I feel guilty for a few reasons. Leaving my kids for a few days is the number one reason. I told them last night and they all instantly got upset. Dominic..the one who never shows emotions..started crying and saying he didn't want me to go. Matthew tells me that me being away for 4 days is too long and it's hard being away from me that long.;(
Phillip isn't happy about it. They all worry the plane will crash. I hate when they worry about that. I'm afraid of flying...but it's the fastest way to get there!!LOL I have already paid for my ticket and it's non-refundable. But I feel bad about how the kids feel, about blowing my moms' money, about having to ask people if I can borrow some money, of having no money to take to Vegas with me, etc. Chris says he'll pay for things out there..to not worry about it, but how can I not? It's not right for people to be paying for me, just because I fucked up.

Haven't heard from Britton...but guess didn't really expect to. I was shocked that he even added me on Facebook to tell you the truth. Ron and I text during the day and sometimes talk on-line. I wish I lived closer to him, so I could get to know him better. I just don't see how all of this is going to be possible..our relationship and all. Then Bruce (in Alaska) is working a lot of hours right now. So we don't talk much. He still wants me to go out there in July.

I didn't eat any carbs yesterday...well if I did, the total was less than 20 grams. I get so hungry, but know that it will eventually pass. I have to keep looking at the bigger picture...not just today. I want to be able to fit into a swimsuit and look at least half way decent when I take my kids to hotel swimming pools next month and in June. I haven't gone to a public pool in YEARS. I would like to be able to do that as well. Plus I have to meet my ex's gf for the first time next month and I don't want to be THIS big. I just feel like sometimes throwing in the towel and saying fuck it..let myself eat and get HUGE, but I would be miserable (even more so than I am now) and so won't let myself do that.

MY WEIGHT...

I am sooo tired of being fat. Now I'm back to 303!!! I will NOT let myself get any higher than this again. That's done. I refuse to let food control my life. It's hard..because I'm always hungry. But I just can't gain back all the weight I have lost. If I do, I will never lose it. I will just keep getting bigger and bigger. I couldn't deal with that. With everything that is going on, I just feel like running away sometimes.