SOME DAYS......

Some days I feel better...positive, happy, etc. But other days...negative, depressed. Today is one of the negative days. I'm just sooo damn tired. Physically and mentally. Still haven't heard from Arturo. I hate when things are left unsaid. I just want to know what I did wrong. Or why should I even blame myself, right? Maybe it's just him. It's just that I love him and trusted him. I have to quit trusting so damn easily. I know that I will get past this eventually...but it's hard for me. I need closure and I'm not sure that I will ever get that.

The diet thing is going OK. Exercised again this morning..some days it's hard to get motivated, but have been doing pretty good the past couple of months. The extra 1/2 hour is seriously kicking my ass though.LOL Haven't had hardly any carbs for 2 days now. I know I can't keep this up permanently, but for now, it's OK. I definitely need sugar or bread in the future! Just want to get down to a certain weight first. Which is really like 50 lbs away. That won't make me thin, but it will make me feel better. Then we will go from there.

My mom is having kidney stone surgery today..right now as I write actually. I hope that she'll be OK!! Will let you know.

FINALLY BACK!

Well here I am once more...can't believe that it's been 5 months since I last posted. Last I wrote, I was going to Vegas..I had a blast!!! But then came back to reality and July was a hellacious month. I wanted Dave back sooo bad and he wouldn't even consider it. I had a friend that I was writing to (in prison) named Arturo and he was helping me thru things. I will basically just run down the past few months. I went to visit Arturo numerous times in August, September and October...after I knew that there was nothing left of Dave and I. I will never totally get over Dave, but without trust, there is nothing. I hope that we will always be friends. I really cared about Arturo and was falling for him...I still care. But they moved him farther away and I haven't seen him since November 5th. I thought that that was bad, but hell, that was nothing. I haven't gotten a letter from him since December 4th and no phone calls since the 12th..where he asked me not to leave him. OK, so where is he? In all the time we have written...he has never just fell off the face of the earth like this. I miss him. Going to the mailbox every day and not getting anything from him...well I can't handle the disappointment anymore...so plan on only checking my PO Box once a week...on Sunday nights...so I only have to be sad and hurt then, instead of every friggin' day. I sent a letter out to him yesterday asking WTF? It was basically a good-bye letter..I just feel that if he isn't putting the forth the effort, then there's no use. I told him I would always be here for him and love him. I just need to learn to let it go now. Guess it shouldn't be too hard. It's not like I've never had someone leave me before. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Just stating a fact. I filed for divorce in October (we had been legally separated since April). In mid-November, Dave had a change of heart again and wanted to try to make it work. His heart really isn't into it though. Our divorce was final on December 8th. Can't believe that I'm divorced. Anyway, after that, I asked Dave if he could ever get Gracie (gf) out of his system and he said no, so that was the end of that. No sense in trying. No sense in confusing the boys more. We get along and are still friends for the most part. It's still hard for me when he goes out of town to see her for a weekend. Maybe it's because they are so happy and in love. I really don't know. I'm just trying to focus on me now...and of course, my boys. I love them so much! They are doing pretty well. Phillip is already taller than me and he's 12! I'm 5'8! Plus he's in a size 13 shoe and it's almost too small! My other two are doing well too and they all had a fun Christmas.:)
I need to find a job again soon...which I don't look forward to...though it may be good for me to get out of the house. The depression still kicks my ass from time to time, but just have to deal with it. I take Celexa for it and it helps a little, but not a lot. I haven't really lost anymore weight...about 60 lbs altogether, but have been about the same for the past 3 months now. The Holidays didn't help much. So yesterday, I started exercising for 1 1/2 hours a day instead of just an hour. Plus have tried to cut out carbs again for awhile..will see how long THAT lasts!LOL
My sister, Cindy..who I haven't talked to in almost 3 years...had a baby girl on August 26th and named her Jasmine Rain. I hope that Cindy is a better mom this time around. Her oldest daughter, Justine, will be 18 next month...my mom has custody of her.
My mom has to go in for surgery today for kidney stones...she had to have emergency surgery on the 5th...they took her by ambulance to a hospital 60 miles from here. They put a stent in next to her kidney, so she would be able to pee...her kidneys had started to shut down because a stone is stuck and is too big to pass. They couldn't do major surgery then, because she is on blood thinners. So she went off of them a few days ago and has the surgery tomorrow and then can go back on blood thinners. She has been so tired and run down lately and that's just not like her at all. I'm soooo worried that it may be something worse. When they did the CAT scan that found the stones, it also showed that she had some calcium build up in two arteries going to her heart.:( So she has a stress test scheculed for January 12th and will see from there. She just turned 61 at the end of November. I just want her to be OK!
Almost 2 weeks ago, I started talking to a guy on-line and he's from the same town that I am, but he moved away a lot of years ago. He lives about 2 hours away and is in the process of getting a divorce from his wife. They have been married for 34 years! He says there are just a lot of things wrong. It's nice talking to him and we have a lot in common. It's nice having a friend that I can really talk to and I hope he doesn't bail on that friendship. I've had enough of that crap. He's 52...which is different for me...I usually go for younger ones. Even as friends. Arturo is 30. Right now, I'm just enjoying having somone to talk to who doesn't judge me.
I'm determined to make 2011 a really great year. The past 4 years have pretty much sucked...though there have been good moments too. Not every year is all good or all bad. I just want a few years where there is more happiness than pain and sadness. Is that too much to ask???
Well guess that's enough for now. It's good to be back and getting some of this off my chest.

VEGAS HERE I COME!!:)

Leaving for Denver and the airport in about 10 minutes...it's almost 4am. Too damn early for me! I'm nervous as all hell, but I hope to have a great time! Will let you know how it went when I get back.

VEGAS

I'm leaving for Vegas in the morning...yes I SHOULD be happy and excited and I am to an extent. But Dave is just taking me up there so he can see HER for awhile. I mean, I KNEW that...but he kept saying "no she has to work." He thinks I'm stupid obviously. Anyway, he is going to see her. Our oldest is going with us..my son will have to be around her for awhile too, which pisses me off to no end. He's met her before and doesn't like her. So it is what it is, right? Might as well get used to this shit. I don't think I ever will though. I'm on that dating site...mostly because they have cool questions to answer to match you up with someone better...I don't want to really meet anyone. Here on out, it's just the kids and I. I'm done with this BS. I won't get over Dave any time in the near future. I can't imagine being with anyone else ever...there's no way I'm bringing guys around my kids anyhow. So here's to a life alone.

GUESS IS STILL HAD HOPE....

I didn't realize that I was still holding onto some hope...but I was. We had been doing things together, having fun, laughing, etc. Well yesterday I asked if we were really over and he just gave me a sad look and gave me a hug!:( He told me that he would "try his best" to stay here (in this town). He loves his boys and they love him. SHE lives in Denver...I really hope that he DOES find a way to stay here and not leave them. Not move to Denver and raise HER kids and not his own. But am I going to hold my breath?? HELL NO. I still have A LOT of anger that I didn't think I had. I wish we could've made it work. But can't go back and do it over. I will just have to learn to live without him. A hard thing, considering he was my best friend too. He had been texting me in the morning on his way to work and all...he didn't this morning. Probably because I was NOT nice last night after everything. I told him there will be "rules" now. No sex or any sexual stuff, no just coming by the house when he wants, he can't be at the house if I'm not there, etc. I hate this.

WEDNESDAY...

Hey I couldn't think of a better title!!LOL The 4th of July was fun. Went to the parade at 4 with Dave and the boys. Then had a barbecue at my sister-in-laws'. We watched fireworks (shot off a nearby mountain) from her front yard. Sitting on lawn chairs, covered with blankets...got a bit chilly!! Had a nice time though.

I still don't feel good. I hate that. My oldest told me yesterday "you never feel good." It's sooo depressing, but it IS true. It's a rare day that I actually feel GOOD. On those days, I try to get as much done as I can, because I know the days I feel like crap..I won't feel like doing much of anything.

I haven't lost any more weight, but took my measurements yesterday and I have lost 2 more inches off my hips!! Woo-hoo!! I'm just hoping I can fit in the airplane seat on Tuesday! I'm so worried about that. Thin people would never understand.

My mom has to go in tomorrow for them to put some kind of dye in her back...her discs are bad and she's been having a lot of pain with that. She had to go off her blood thinners for this and I worry about that a lot as well. She's 60. So please keep her in your prayers that she will be OK.

A question for you: Would you ever consider writing to a prisoner?

FEELING SICK

I started feeling crappy last night and still don't feel good...nauseous and just "icky." So, for today, I think I will just sleep some and rest. I need to let the stress go. Just not sure how. I texted my sister last night (the one I'm closest to) and told her that Dave decided to be with Gracie again...she texted back "well you didn't want him back anyway, right?" WTF??! Is she NOT supposed to have my back? Guess not. She has been thru the whole divorce thing too. I don't know why she thought it would be so easy for me to take him back after everything that had happened. I just think that all the negative people in my life...that I'm just going to have to move on from them. I love my sister...but I'm the one who reaches out to her all the time, she never does that for me. I know she works a lot, but she makes time for her friends. So whatever. It makes me sad, because my youngest sister and I haven't even talked or seen each other in over 2 years! We probably won't either. I wish her the best though. My mom and step-dad now have custody of her daughter..who will be 18 in January. Well my sister is pregnant again and due in October. It's crazy..she had my niece when she was 14 and wasn't able to get pregnant again til now...she' 32. She didn't make the best parent the first time around...hope she does better with this one. It's supposed to be another girl.

Dave may want to be with Gracie...hell I really don't know what he wants. But he came over this morning for sex. Did I give in? Yep. He is still MY husband and I love him. But I don't have any illusions or is it delusions?? I know that he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him yesterday, that she will start nagging him again, pressuring him, etc and then what is he going to do? Especially if he ever moves up there and can't just come back? He would have to transfer up there and would have to be up there for at least a year before he could transfer back and even then, there's no guarantee that there would be an opening here. Plus I know how much he would miss his own kids while he has to be up there dealing with hers. I told him that he just really needs to think about it. He said he would..but who knows.

My oldest had a probation meeting the other day and he may be off of probation in 6 months instead of another year! So that's good news.:)

Dave is supposed to be taking me to Denver on the 13th to get my plane for Las Vegas...he says he's not going to see her, that she has to work...but like I believe that. My flight is in the morning, so he would have all day with her. My oldest wants to go too...so he would tell me if Dave saw her. Dave is like "that's too early in the morning for him to get up." Yeah whatever.