Where do I begin.....

OK, are you ready for this??LOL It continues to be a crazy ride. Let's see...on Saturday night (6th), I'm supposed to meet this 23 year old guy, Marc, at a hotel and stay the night with him. Hubby says that's fine. Well I could kind of tell before I left that it wasn't, but the guy was already here, so what to do?? I went to see him...well OK...there are good things and bad things about younger guys..LOL He was sweet and all...but pretty quick, if you know what I mean. Then I'm thinking "what am I going to do for the next 10 hours or so??" Well that didn't come to pass, so I was a bit relieved about that (as was hubby). Marc got a text from his babys' mom, saying that she had gotten stung by a bee and was really sick. They needed his insurance card and money from him (deductible) before they would release her from the ER. Oh, btw, they aren't together.LOL So he had to leave anyhow. But before this, he says "I'm hungry, I think I'll run to Taco Bell." He didn't offer to get me anything, so I did ask for a Pepsi...I thought MAYBE he would be nice and bring something back for me too...nope. It was actually pretty funny. I'm just thinking "wow, you have a lot to learn." He came back and ate and left. Said the room was already paid for, so if I wanted to stay I could (so thoughtful). I stayed for a few and then went on home. Was his daughter really sick? I have no idea. But regardless, I'm glad I didn't have to spend the whole night with him.

Then today....well I guess yesterday now...I went to Colorado Springs to see someone. Really into him and liked him. We have been talking for awhile and believe me, he knows what to say. Had fun, went to lunch, drove around and just hung out. Everything was great. He's married, but she sees other people too. So I'm not exactly sure what went "wrong." I get a voicemail first saying what a good time he had and all and then another one later, saying his wife found out about some things and she's pissed. That he will try to contact me later. OK, there are some things I'm leaving out here. I hesitate to write them, because if hubby found out....the guy is black and I'm white. Hubby doesn't want me anywhere near black guys and his wife doesn't want him anywhere near white girls...both of them are Hispanic. So we were just going to remain friends, but I don't know if that's possible now. It makes me sad, because he's a really nice guy....but in the end, maybe it's for the best. Society still frowns on interracial couples/friends or whatever. I think it's crazy, but that's just me. So we'll see how all of that goes.

Ken and I still talk and he wants to continue our relationship, though we hardly ever see each other.

Miss Frank, but have managed to leave him alone. He told me that I could write to him sometimes and he would read them, but couldn't promise to respond. Guess that's better than nothing, right? Or is it?

As for the diet...it sucks and I have no willpower.:(

The anti-depressants seem to be helping some...at least I don't feel like sleeping all the time.

I give up...

I give up trying to understand guys. Seriously. They want you there..but they don't, they want to talk to you..but not too much and only when it's good for them, they say we give them mixed signals...hell what do they think that they do to us?? They can call you "baby" or whatever, but please don't call them anything like that. Darren doesn't write to me pretty much for the whole month of May..maybe a sentence or two if that. Then I get two lengthy emails...which I'm NOT complaining about. He just wants to be friends, don't think we should meet again (which is fine), but he couldn't tell me this sooner?? So I would understand what was going on?? Then I don't write back right away and he's concerned that I'm mad at him....how many of MY emails didn't he answer??? So whatever. Then Tom...OK I called him babe a few times...I call a lot of people that. But I guess last night he was talking to some girl and said he didn't have a girlfriend or wife..which he doesn't...and I had texted like "night babe." Well he explained to me today that that is NOT ok, etc. Well fuck that. Whatever. Yes I like that word.:) He hurt my feelings..but they are hurt easily these days...he said he was sorry, that he didn't mean to do that. But I have come to the realization, that it would be better off if I never see him again...just be friends on here and that's that. Sex confuses everything. Then there's Ken...him and his wife are going to New York in a week or so because it's their 25th wedding anniversary...yes I feel like shit. BUT I do like him and I'm not the only one in this. Yes I'm justifying my actions. Anyhow, I'm backing off from that too. Can be friends on here and that's it. Good thing they live far away. Otherwise I don't know if I could stick to it. THEN there is Frank..one of the best friends that I ever had. It's the one that hurts the most. Wasn't even sexual. I'm having a hard time backing off and leaving him alone...feeling a bit like Glenn Close here.LOL But there's nothing I can do about it...so I have come to the realization. It hurts and pisses me off. Plus I have no idea how to contact anyone to tell them he may be suicidal. OK, enough craziness for now.:)

Tuesday evening

Well talked on IM to Frank briefly yesterday morning. Said that he enjoyed our time together and that he would never forget me. I told him how much I would miss him, etc. But I guess that he is really serious this time. There have been other times that he was kinda like this, but not to this extent. It's hard not to contact him at all. I miss him. We talked practically every day on IM for 4 months and now nothing. I hate it. I told him to please not block me on IM and that I wouldn't bother him and he said that he doesn't block anyone. That's how it ended. What else could I say? Beg and plead for him not to kick me out of his life?? Yes I thought about it, but what good would it do? He told me that being friends with me is "draining." Gee, thanks. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what?? I'm so sad. Anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he was so lonely and that he was going to kill himself. He had made me promise before he told me that that I wouldn't tell anyone. Then he changed him mind about doing it. Well, I don't know that he has. So now that he really doesn't have anyone to talk to...should I try to find some of his family, his ex-wife, a friend of his and tell them??? What do I have to lose, right? I already lost his friendship. So I will probably see what I can do. I don't want him dying.

Then Darren had sent me a rambling note last night. I had sent him a "religious" forward and so he told me what he thought of it. He wasn't mean or rude and hell at least he wrote something finally. Told me somewhat of how he feels. But I don't see our "friendship" continuing.

I'm not good at this NSA (no strings attached) sex. I'm obviously not made that way. If I don't hear from Tom or Ken for awhile...I'm just like "whatever." That's not the way it's supposed to be. Wasnt' supposed to bring more drama into my life. So, though I will probably see a 23 year old this weekend, I think besides that, I have to slow down. I don't see the point. I need more of the friendship aspect of it and most guys can't give that. What I seem to want is a husband AND a boyfriend. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

So this blog may be some about the "lifestyle," but for the most part, it will now also be about my battle with depression (and it IS a battle) and the battle with my weight. I went to the Mental Health Center today for an intake evaluation. I'll see the guy in a couple of weeks. Until then, they are going to start me on Celexa. I hope it helps and doesn't have a lot of side effects. He says that is sounds like I have "moderate" depression. Hell I wouldn't want to know what "severe" depression feels like!!:(

As for the weight...well I'm huge.LOL Have A LOT to go. First is 60 lbs. that I gained the past few years and then we'll go from there. I turn 4o on August 31st, so am hoping to be down at least that much by then. I've started to exercise some..walking and weights...will add aerobics as well. I just really have to watch what I eat. I did well yesterday, but today...all I want to DO is eat.:(

Sunday morning

Well home today. Need to get back to reality and deal with it all. May call the mental health place again and just tell them that I need some help, but that I can't pay. I don't know.

Well...didn't go see Frank last night. He texted me about 9:30pm and told me to come over, that he was on the way home from the party. He was drunk...can you believe that? Anyhow...I told him that I couldn't see that well after dark and he told me to quit being silly, but I told him that I really couldn't and that I could see him this morning before I left. Well he texted me this morning and told me that I'm a good person, but he's done with our friendship, that he has to do what's best for him. I'm tired of people leaving. Anyway, I texted back and told him that I would miss him, that he was one of the best friends I ever had. He never texted me back. So that's that. Then Darren...he sent me an e-mail yesterday saying that he might have a few minutes to come by this morning, but don't count on it. Why even bother to say that?? So 3 people are out of my life this weekend...Steve, Frank and Darren. I will miss Frank the most, then Darren. Steve...well he can kiss my ass.

Ken came by at 10:00pm last night and stayed until about 1:15am. It was nice. He brought massage oil and gave me a massage!! Then he gave me $40 towards the room...wow!!! He didn't have to do that, but that's soooo cool that he did. It was nice...I like talking to him, cuddling with him, etc. He is on his way to San Diego for business today. Won't be back from there until Wednesday. He has a busy month ahead. So I really don't plan on seeing him or Tom anytime in June. Maybe July or August.

I feel like I"m going to freak out...the money situation is bad. Maybe I should just become a real whore and start charging. I'm only half joking.

Too easy...

Some guys...it would be too easy to fall in love with, I think. Anyway, drove to Denver yesterday and got myself lost again..lol. I could get lost inside a box. Anyhow, found the hotel. Then Dave wasn't too far behind me. We went to a nearby Wal-Mart to get Dave some shoes...forgot to pack his. He wore his work boots up here..he's so silly.

Has problems with the credit cards when I got here...such idiots. Luckily I had enough cash. Then today, I was able to use one of the cards. So embarrassing though. I figure when we get home, there will be no money left for bills or anything else. It will be the 2nd month of missing the house payment. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

Was supposed to meet Steve, BUT he didn't like where I was staying! Wanted me to stay at the Marriott again.....well couldn't afford that. Said he would give me $30, but who is he to dictate to me where to stay?! Said he didn't feel comfortable staying here....La Quinta Inn. What in the hell is that about?? Pretty much said if I didn't stay at the Marriott, then he wouldn't see me. Then he got all nice again. Well I sent him a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to make it up this weekend after all. Just pissed me off. So he sent me a text last night saying that "let's just call it a one night stand and move on with our lives. It's been nice knowing you. Peace." Some crap like that. All this about being friends and us talking..guess it was just bunch of bull. Whatever. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him all that much anyhow. After I saw Tom last week, I wanted to see him again.:)

Got an e-mail from Darren saying that he had family plans today and that he wouldn't be able to meet me for lunch or anything...the way he put it...pretty much dismissed me. So I don't know if I will even try to keep up that "friendship." Right now, it hardly seems worth it.

THEN Frank (my friend in Denver)...well I don't know what his problem is. If I don't text or call him back right away, he gets all weird. Told me he had had enough, that he was taking a break from me, that he was done, etc. That I was "too crazy." WTF??? So then I'm trying to accept that and he texts me back and says after he gets home from the party tonite, that he will text me and maybe we can hang out for awhile...I'm pretty sure I'm not driving anywhere after dark. I don't need to get myself lost again and expect Dave to "save" me. Speaking of Dave, he has texted me some today. But I try not to think about him too much. He's with Gracie and I don't even want to deal with that. He's on the other side of the hotel.

Tom (from Greeley) got here around 6:30pm. We went to dinner at a nice Mexican Restaurant....they had a marachi (sp?) band. It was pretty cool.:) Tom is SOOOOO funny. Makes me laugh a lot. Then we came back to the hotel and had sex and just talked. So nice. Ordered the movie "Twilight." I loved it..now I can see what all the hype is about.:) He fell asleep during it (he had already seen it), but I finished it and then went to bed. Messed around a little this morning and then went to breakfast at a truck stop...usually they have good food...but not so much today.LOL Then just came back here and hung out and watched TV. He slept for a little bit, before heading back to Greeley..about an hour away. Then we went by Taco Bell, got some food and sat in the car and ate it and talked some more. See what I mean about getting too attached? Who knows when I will see him again. I miss hanging out with him. He's a cool person. I know I get too close when I start thinking about who else he is seeing and feeling a bit of jealousy.:( So I need to back off a bit.

Sorry to move around so much like that..I tend to write things down as I think of them.

Ken is supposed to be coming by later tonight. Not sure what time. He had to work for awhile. It's like 7:45pm now. Probably not until at least 10:00pm. Frank is supposed to call or text around 9:00pm or so. I'm sure he will be pissed that I can't come see him. But he's the one that said I was too crazy and that he was done with me. How does he expect me to feel after that? I want to see Ken, but I miss Tom a bit. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm seeing Ken. Can't dwell on one guy. Tom isn't interested in anything beyond sex and friendship. Which is how it should be.

I don't know how things will turn out with Dave and I. It's just a day to day thing. I know he loves me and I love him. But is that enough? Guess we will just continue on the journey and see how it goes.

Will I Ever....?

I don't think that this big empty space inside of me will ever be filled. Not with happiness, not with fulfillment, not with anything. I don't know what to do to make it go away. Nothing helps. Not food, not sex...haven't tried drugs yet and won't. With my luck, they would kill me the first time.LOL OK, not so funny, but you understand what I'm saying.
I'm SOOOO stressed out. The house is a mess, the kids are loud..fighting all the time...don't listen to me, etc. I'm just sooo over it. Then the panic attacks..well haven't had any for a long time....but that was because I was on anti-depressants. Now that I'm not...well today was the first one I've had in a long time. It wasn't full blown, but it was bad enough...feeling hot inside, numb, out of control, etc. I hate them. Why can't I be happy??? Why can't I not worry about everything under the friggin' sun??? Why can't I just "go with the flow??" Why do I want everyone to like me?? Why am I not happy with the way things are in my life?

OK, whatever, right? I'm sure I just need to chill out, but how to do that?? A guy killed himself here last weekend...only like 27...had been in Iraq...maybe just couldn't deal anymore. It's always in the back of my mind...a release, an escape. But I can't and I won't...I have my kids and I have to not be selfish. Even hubby would miss me. Though I can't be easy to live...he has stood by me. I lucked out on that.

Met Ken on Tuesday (26th). Was really cool. He's a nice guy and I really do like him. We went out to lunch and then went ahead and got a hotel room. Wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was raining and options were limited. OK, some excuse, right?LOL I feel weird writing about some things here now. But will do to some extent anyhow. He's a good kisser. Made me feel good. He actually cared if he pleased me or not. Wow...that is a first...well my husband always makes sure...but as for the other guys...not so much. He told me to "not fake it." Surprisingly, I didn't have to...shock of all shocks. We didn't have actual sex though....for various reasons. He likes to cuddle too, which is good, because so do I. There are certain guys that I have to be careful with..would be easy to fall for them. I plan on seeing him Saturday night again while I'm in Denver. Then not sure when I will see him again. There are other guys a bit closer who want to see me again...but ironically I don't want to see them. Well one or two, but that's it. This is like another addiction for me. It used to be food..now it's sex with random partners. What the hell is my problem??? Do I feel better after I do it? No not usually. Still lonely. Which is really stupid. Have no reason to be lonely.

Then today...Nick wanted to see me. He had to come to town for some other things (he only lives like an hour away). He is one of them that I saw on the 13th. There is nowhere to go around here that is private. If you don't want to get a room, options are pretty limited. SOOO, there is another cemetery nearby that is pretty remote. We went there, talked a little and then had sex....he has a pickup...anyway..interesting to do it outside at a cemetery no doubt. It wasn't bad. Wish we had more time and all.

Monday afternoon

OK...I forgot to mention yesterday that I have heard from Darren. Just a couple of times, but he was sweet and says he misses me too. Just hope he gets over his feelings of depression or whatever soon so that he will talk to me more. I know, I can be quite selfish. LOL THEN I was thinking that this coming weekend was Memorial Day Weekend..not this one. So when I said we were going to Denver over Memorial Day weekend, I was wrong.:)

Ken has been texting and calling me.:) I love hearing from him. He is on his way home today. Then I will see him tomorrow..or that is the plan. He is worried that once we meet in person, that I won't like him. I just hope that we both live up the each others "standards" or whatever. I really like him as a person. I look forward to this weekend. It will be nice to just get away and forget about things for awhile.

Still haven't gotten the refund back on my credit card yet and, of course, they are closed today. We need some money. Just stressed. I was really depressed yesterday, so just tried to be by myself some. Read a little. I just have to deal with it on my own at times.

Today is so-so. The house is a mess, I haven't taken a shower yet (it's 2:00pm!). I really need to snap out of it somehow. Just don't feel like doing anything. Someone help me!!