WEIGHT & LIFE

The last time I wrote...I weighed 320 lbs.  I got all the way up to 327!:(  On Easter, I felt so crappy that I vowed that I would start a low carb diet the next day.  I weighed in at 318.  As of yesterday, I'm 312.:)  I'm proud of myself.  Now to keep going & not sabotage myself.  I'm not sure why I even DO sabotage myself. It's like I freak out when I start losing weight or maybe it's because I can't have the comfort food that I want?  I really don't know.  But I know I can do this.  I have a couple of things coming up that I want to be thinner for.  The boys have a State Bowling Tournament in Denver the weekend of May 16th.  I would like to AT LEAST be in the 290's by then. Then a girl I used to babysit is getting married on June 6th.  She is BEAUTIFUL!  So I don't want to be looking like a blimp.  She's marrying a hot guy, so I'm sure there will be other hot guys there as well.:)    I know that there is no way that I can lose 100 lbs in a couple of months, but I can lose a decent amount if I really try.  I haven't started exercising yet.  I figured that I would wait until I got down to 295-300 lbs before I started doing that.  We'll see.

  

I got my hair cut & lightened last month & I like it.:)  I didn't think I would look OK with short hair, but it's really not that bad. After frying my hair so much last year, I don't think it's going to grow out that much anyway.  It hasn't yet. So now it's mostly blonde...but with some darker brown in the back.  I was supposed to go back this month to get the roots lightened, but it's $50, so will have to wait until next month for that.

Maximus is getting big!!  Hard to believe that he's 2 months old already.  He's such a sweet baby.  He is starting to smile a lot more & make little "cooing" sounds.  I love it.  I know that I'm too attached, but can't help it.

I have been talking to some guys one kik....mostly they are either teenagers or they want to trade nude pics.:(  But I have met a few that have become friends.  I talk a lot to a guy in Arizona & one in West Virginia.  They are both sweet & actually around my age.  But them living in different states is a bit of an issue.  I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to, but it's not easy letting go of control like that.

I started a funding page to see if I could get some help with taking the kids to their bowling tournament next month.  I felt weird doing it.  I don't like asking for help like that, but I just don't have that much cash. I get disability & child support...which really helps...but we are out of money pretty much always the last 2 weeks of the month,.  It makes it hard.  I know that some people will judge, but it is what it is.  The sites are there for a reason.  People don't HAVE to donate, I just don't like hate mail.  I may add the link on here...not sure anyone even reads this anymore since I haven't been on here.  I need to make more time for everything.

It's snowing here today!!  It was like 70 degrees out yesterday!!LOL  Weird Colorado weather.  It's a heavy, wet snow.  Usually is in the Spring.

OTHER THINGS

A lot has happened over the past couple of months.  My middle son, Dominic, turned 13 at the end of January & my oldest, Phillip, turned 17 in the middle of February.  So weird them being those ages!!  Then my niece, Justine, had a baby boy on February 7th.  His name is Maximus Xavier.:)  He's a cutie!!  Just love him totally already.  I see him most days as they are still living with my mom.  They have been for almost a year now. They really need to get their own place.  But things are expensive around here.  Justine is 22 & Brandon will be 30 later this month.  This is a small town & there are always rumors.  Well pretty much the whole time she was pregnant, people were telling Brandon that the baby wasn't his, etc.  So sometimes he believed the other people & sometimes he believed Justine.  There was a lot of fighting going on.  She was always with Brandon or around mom & I...so not sure when he thought she was seeing anyone else.  I know that she had been seeing someone briefly right before she started seeing Brandon..so I think thaf's what caused the biggest issue.  Brandon has an ex wife here in town who is a total bitch...well I shouldn't say that...it's not like I know her personally.  But she won't "allow" the kids she has with Brandon to be around Justine AT ALL.  Well she really has no say in the matter unless it was court ordered & it's not.  But Brandon lets her control that situation.  He has to be around his ex to see his kids.  He goes out of town with her to buy them clothes or whatever!!  NO WAY would I let that happen if I was with some guy with an ex wife.  Either that or let Justine go with them...which doesn't happen.  He goes to see his other 2 kids pretty much every day.  He says he misses them.  I can understand that...but to be gone for HOURS??  Then some other girl is trying to get back with him & he has left to talk to her...telling Justine that he was "going to see his kids."   He doesn't have a steady paying job, so they are always broke.  Mom can't keep supporting them.  Hell she can't even support herself hardly since my step-dad passed away.:(  She is annoyed with Brandon & doesn't really like him.  ANYWAY, back to the paternity thing....he wouldn't sign papers at the hospital because he wanted a DNA test first.  He didn't want his name in the newspaper in the birth announcement.  So it's just hers.  It's bullshit.  So he won't pay for a DNA test...because he has no cash.  But the baby looks JUST LIKE HIM.  At first, you couldn't really tell...but he's 3 weeks old now & you can tell that he belongs to Brandon.  I don't know what Brandon thinks, but if he doesn't see it, then he just doesn't WANT to see it.

Mom has been pretty sick again.  In a lot of pain.  She had something called C-diff in January. It was bad.  She couldn't hardly stay awake, had no energy, was acting confused.  It's when too much bad bacteria gets into your intestines or something & not enough good bacteria stays.  It can be caused by an overuse of antibiotics.  She has had to take antibiotics over the years for numerous things...so it could be it.  It "went away," but now she's in a lot of pain.  She sees the doctor this afternoon.  It could be a kidney or bladder infection this time.  I'm just hoping it's something they can help her with.  She's afraid to take antibiotics now.  I can't say that I blame her.  So with her health not being great & her being stressed out because Brandon is .....well Brandon...I worry about her a lot.  She's only 65...but has had health issues for the past 30 years.  It's hard seeing her get older.:(

My health hasn't been exactly great.  The past week or so I have just been REALLY tired.  Zero energy.  Feeling nauseous off & on, headaches, stomach pains,  a low grade fever the past few days etc.  Could just be a "bug" going around.  I'm hoping that's all it is & that it's gone soon.  Then my allergies are kicking in...Claritin really seems to help with that.  My eyes are red, watery, itchy,  my nose is stuffy....so annoying.  I had allergies when I was a baby to everything...had to drink goat's milk...I haven't had it since...but it just gets a big YUCK from me now.LOL  I was allergic to eggs, bananas..etc....there was a whole list of stuff.  Then I outgrew it.  Well the allergy to eggs is back..my face doesn't get swollen anymore (there was an incident when I was a kid...I loved eggs & my grandpa loved me...so he fixed me quite a few)LOL  That allergy had gone...but now I can't eat eggs without feeling really sick & being in a lot of pain for hours.  I still love eggs...but have to give them up.  Hopefully that never happens with bacon!!LOL  I don't know what else I"m allergic to...but it could be the reason that I feel like crap all of the time...maybe I should see an allergist if I can come up with the cash.  

DIET

Let's just say I suck at this.:(  I keep saying that I'll eat low carb, drink more water, exercise more, etc.  I may do it for a day or two...but that's it.  It's annoying.  I have no willpower or motivation.  I WANT to lose weight to look better, feel better, wear cooler clothes, not be invisible.  So I'm not sure what my problem is about losing the weight.  I have gained about 30 lbs since last year at this time.:(  Most of it after August...but not all.  I"m totally disgusted with myself at the moment.  I weigh 320 lbs.  The "ideal" weight for a woman my height (5'8) is like 145-160.  I can't even think about losing THAT much weight...approximately 170 lbs!!  So I'm going to try 10 lb increments & hopefully that will work.  I think I would be happy at 215.  I will never be a model.  So starting today (AGAIN)...exercise for AT LEAST an hour a day, drink AT LEAST 8 glasses of water and try to eat low carb as much as I can.  I will do this for 6 weeks & see what the end results are.  Hopefully I can lose a decent amount of weight before then.  Tired of being fat, of clothes not fitting right.  If anyone wants to do this with me...just let me know.  A diet buddy would be good.  Oh, I also started taking a "diet pill" called W700.  Have to take 2 a day with water & meals.  Maybe that will help?  I think they are all pretty much bogus..but might as well give them a try.

JEFF

Jeff's girlfriend contacted me around January 12th & asked me a bunch of questions about him & what really went down.  So I told her everything.  She acted sweet & concerned.  Really wanted to know things.  Was going to confront him.  He had told her that he had been single since December 2013 (he was living with me).  He moved in with her & her two kids within a month after moving out.  Well she contacted me a couple of days later & was a total bitch.  Said I was trying to come between her & Jeff.  That she loved him with all of her heart, that they were going to get married on his birthday in July in Washington state (where he's from), that though she couldn't have any more kids, that they were going to use a surrogate, that he totally loved her kids.  I asked her about his gaming (he's a serious gamer & wanted to develop video games).  She said that she though that they were stupid, that he hardly ever played them anymore because he wanted to spend all of his time with HER, etc.  Well she pissed me the hell off.  First of all....Jeff had told me the same things about getting married, the surrogate, etc...though it was going to be with me.  If he did give up his gaming for her...I think it was stupid of him to do & he will end up regretting it.  Giving something up that he loves for someone?  I just don't see it.  So I asked her if he had told her about certain things & she said that she knew all of those things from "Day 1."  Yeah sure ya did.  I basically told her that she was trying too hard.  There was no way that he would tell her everything that went on in his life that fast.  The first time we talked, she told me that she hadn't even met his mom until Christmas...though they live in the same city.  He's a mama's boy, so that was weird. She said it was a bit awkward. So the next time she talked to me & was trying to piss me off...she said that his mom was SO happy about them getting married & had wondered what took him so long to ask her.  Are you kidding me??!  For one, his mom wouldn't ever say something like that. Anyway...she ended up calling me a bitch & promptly blocking me on Facebook (where we had been talking).  Oh, I also asked her if she would ask him if he would talk to me....he told her that there was nothing left to say (that was before the 2nd conversation).  Well...she did what he was unable to do...she totally got me over him.  He told her exactly the same things he told me.  He lied about so many things.  It took her being a bitch to make me realize what an ass he is.  Regardless of what she knew, I told her more.  So she will always wonder what he's lying about & what he isn't.  The fact that he allowed her to talk to me like that was another thing that made me realize that I meant nothing to him.  So I wrote him an email (who knows if he ever read any of my emails) & told him a few things.  Well the next morning....lo & behold...I was unblocked on her Facebook page...just to see a picture she had put up of the two of them.  Yeah nice.  Well I'm sure she thought I was just going to flip out.  So I did the opposite.  Told her how good they looked together, that I was happy for them, that I wouldn't bother them anymore, etc. etc.  Then I sent an e-mail to him saying pretty much the same thing.  Then let it go at that.  That was on January 16th.  I had no plans on every contacting him again.  I thought it was ironic..that it was exactly 5 months to the day that he moved out.  Well his mom & I were planning on staying friends...but she hadn't answered any of my texts or messages since around the beginning of November.  So it was whatever.  Then I get a short note on FB from her on January 25th.  Saying that I had really crossed the line by doing what I did & to never contact her again.  She then blocked me on FB.  I had her e-mail address, so I sent HER an email saying that she hadn't contacted me for over 2 months..then she comes out with that?  That all I did was tell Jacque (his gf) the truth & that if Jeff had been honest with her from the beginning, it would have never came to that.  That if hadn't acted like such a jerk after he left me, that I would have gotten over him much faster, etc.  That I had just wanted to be friends with him...like he said we would always be.  That she would prefer his lying over my telling the truth.  That what was worse, she KNEW that he had been seeing someone else & didn't bother to give me a heads up.  That they saw me as weak..and they were wrong.  I sent the exact same email to him, so she couldn't say that I said things that I didn't.  I didn't call her any names, wasn't a total bitch.  Told him I wouldn't have contacted him again if it wasn't for his mom contacting me.  Jacque blocked me from her FB again...which is cool.  I was done & haven't e-mailed or tried to contact him for a month now.  I don't know who I was even with for 2 years.  Don't know what was a lie & what wasn't.  If he loved me or if he didn't.  He lied about so many things that I don't even know what to believe.  He totally fucked me up for 5 months.  I was close to suicide a few times.  Though I wouldn't have gone thru with it....I have kids & I couldn't leave them like that.  I was still hoping that he would change his mind.  I know....pathetic.  I let him make me feel that I could never trust anyone ever again.  I still have trust issues...but I can't judge all guys by him.  Though the guys I have talked to on line since then don't exactly inspire my faith in men.  So I still have my guard up & probably always will to an extent.  Live & learn, right?  I won't say I don't think about him sometimes, that I don't miss him & what I thought we had, that I don't miss talking to him on a daily basis & having him as my best friend.  But it's not as often as it used to be.  Maybe one day I won't think of him at all.

WEDNESDAY

I can't believe that it's been a month since I have been on here.  I have seriously lacked motivation these past months.  An update:  Jeff & I e-mailed briefly on November 19th.  He said he would like us to be friends & that I knew him better than almost anyone.  I sent him one e-mail after that (the same day) telling him all what has been going on here & I didn't hear from him.  So I haven't contacted him since.:)  I'm proud of myself.  I see no point in even having him back in my life again.  What we had (or didn't have) is gone.  He did say that the reason he put on Facebook that they had been together since March was for her family & friend's benefits.  I guess they didn't want them knowing that they had only known each other for a few weeks before he moved in with her.  Whatever, she can now deal with his lies & BS.  I don't know if I told you or not, but his mom, at one time, still wanted to remain friends.  She has since changed her mind, though she didn't come out & tell me that.  She just started ignoring my texts, unfriended me on Facebook, etc.  She had asked me to go antique shopping out of town the first weekend in December, but didn't even cancel that...just ignored my texts asking about it.  How old are we?  It's fine.  I guess it wouldn't have been a good idea to remain friends anyway.  Just seeing her would automatically remind me of him.  I do have a health issue now that I'm seeing the doctor about tomorrow that regards Jeff.:(  I'm NOT happy.  I will go into detail more after I find out for sure or not.

My weight has gone up to 323 lbs.  That's enough, ya know?  I'm disappointed enough in myself as it is.  I went the doctor for some blood work a week or so ago & she noticed how swollen my lower legs were & told me I have gained about 30 lbs since last May, that things were just going to get worse if I continued to gain weight...or even stayed the same weight...and that I need to lose some.  She wasn't being mean about it.  It's really the first time that she's ever said much about my weight at all.  She didn't know me when I was 350.  So now I have to wear compression socks.  Hopefully one day, I won't have to.  I have to buy a new scale.  Mine totally died.  Will have to do that after January 2nd.  I found a cool one for around $35.  It shows you your BMI, water weight & a few other things.  I have exercised a little, but mostly just to the DVD's I have.  Haven't gotten out & walked yet.  It's cold & I'm so not a cold weather person.  My joints have been really bothering me, but I try to ignore it mostly.  My hands & feet get cold really easily & hurt...which isn't a good thing.  My mom has Raynaud's Syndrome & I don't want to end up with that.  Circulation problems.  I'm sure I l already have some,  but I don't want them getting worse.  I also started drinking (this morning) an Apple Cider Vinegar, Lemon Juice, Cinnamon, Honey drink.  I'm hoping it will help with everything basically.LOL  I have read some on it & decided that I might as well try it.  

Matthew (youngest) & I have had the flu for a few days now.  I'm feeling better now...but still not 100%.  Matthew is sicker than I am & he tends to get higher fevers.  He coughs A LOT...even before he got the flu.  He has asthma...but the doctors don't know why he coughs all the time.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  He was up most of last night because he was coughing so hard...even with medicine, me greasing his chest & back & a vaporizer in the room.:(  Any ideas on what else I can do that might help?

How has everyone been doing on Christmas & getting ready for it?   I finally got my tree & the rest of the apartment decorated last weekend.  I haven't sent cards out yet & probably won't get most of them out until after Christmas. We haven't done a family picture yet.  So I might just send those out for a New Year's thing.  Phillip (oldest) & I are going to help mom with fudge tomorrow night.  

My niece, Justine, is now 7 months pregnant & she has gotten a huge belly!!  It's so cute!  She hasn't really gained any anywhere else.  She's due around February 11th.  They are having a boy.  So exciting!  Her & her bf are still living with mom...which mom isn't happy about.  She loves Justine...but she needs her space as well.  

I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS...e

I missed my shrink appt the other day.  I have decided not to go back.  I don't think talking about my past is helping me, when it's the present that is kicking my ass.  Some days I'm good...and others,...like the past few...I'm so not.  I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  I feel like staying in bed & ignoring the world.  It takes too much energy to be social & I just don't have it right now.  I love the Holidays...but not right at this second.  I have to get over Jeff.  NO DOUBT.  I need to stop thinking about him.  I think the more I try to do that, the more I end up thinking about it all.  Then I just get all upset & pissed off all over again.  We had good times.  But we also had bad times & I have to remember those as well.  I tend to only think about the good ones.  I haven't contacted him since I sent that last e-mail on the 5th asking WHY.  Of course, he didn't answer,  I didn't expect him to.   He's a coward for not just coming clean.  He doesn't respect me enough or ever loved me enough to give me an explaination.  He doesn't care that I hurt & that I want answers.  I just have to let it go.  So hard for me to do.  I know Karma is a bitch & maybe he will get is & maybe he won't.  Maybe his hurting me like he did is Karma for something I did in the past.  I don't really know.  I know that I'm not always a good person.  But who is?  Do I think I deserved all of this?  No.  But it happened & it's just the way it goes.  I thought I had my forever.  Now...well...it's just me & the kids for awhile & when they're grown & on their own...it's just me.  I have to accept that.  I have always felt that I needed a guy in my life or at least guys to accept me, want me,  (fuck...I just deleted most of this post accidentally!!  Now I just feel like not saying anything else, because I can't think of what I said before...was just letting it flow...annoying).   Would I like a guy in my life who was totally in love with me & I felt the same?  Yes....but it's not a thing that I can't live without right now.  I have to figure out what the hell it is that I need.  I need to get outside & walk & be in the fresh air...even though it's freezing.  I complain in the Summer that it's too hot.  Always something to complain about.  It's just another excuse not to get my fat ass moving.  I have been trying to eat less & better.  Not easy.  When it's cold out, I tend to want more carbs & comfort food, so have to fight against that.  I weigh myself every couple of days now so it won't get out of control, more than it already is.  I used to just count the pounds & not the ounces or whatever, now I do both.  On the 11th, I weighed 321.8 & yesterday I weighed 321.6.  Wasn't happy about that.  I know that I won't lose 10 lbs in 2 days...but even a pound would have been better than nothing.  I don't feel like doing anything except going back to bed & not dealing with the world.  I'm tired of people who lie & cheat.  Hell I can't even tell the difference obviously.  I have never been a good judge of character.  It sucks.  I have a rational side & a crazy, selfish, negative side to my personality.  Did I tell you that I have Borderline Personality Disorder?  Anyway, I wish that my rational side was out there more...but it's not.  Guess maybe it's just something else i have to work on.  I have kept a journal (notebooks) since May 2013...the longest that I have ever had one.  I was reading back some over the past few months last night & all that was going on with Jeff.  I KNEW that when he went to his mom's on August 9th that he wasn't coming back except to get his stuff.  I had written it down that I was afraid that he wouldn't come back & he didn't.  I felt there was someone else already, even though he denied it...and I was right again.  I don't know why people find it so damn easy to lie to me.  They must think I'm stupid...I'm not.  

I'm in pain every day...well...to an extent.  I supposedly have Fibromyalgia.  I take Gabapentin for it.  My knees hurt so bad when I get up after sitting for awhile..but after I'm up & walking, I'm good.  My shoulders hurt, etc.  I try to ignore it mostly.  I don't like the fact that I'm only 45 & I have these issues already. It makes me worry about when I'm 65. But I try not to think about the future too much...or the past.  I know that I need to concentrate on the now.  There's only that.  

My ex husband...who lives with someone & has been with them for awhile...keeps trying to hook up with me.  I find it annoying.  At one time, I would have been all over that.  It took me a long time to get over him....like 2 fucking years of my life.  Now he just wants a booty call every now & then?  I'm not even remotely interested.  

I have a FWB now that I have only seen one time, but will maybe see him more.  He's way too young for me & he's just passing the time until he finds "the one."  I feel that since I won't see him that often, that we can mostly just be friends & if something else happens, then it does.  But as for a relationship or love...I'm not even planning on any of that again.  I try not to be cynical...but I so am right now.  

IGNORANCE IS BLISS?

I told you about Jeff.  Well I haven't really contacted him since October 11th...though there was something I had to talk to him about towards the end of last month & he did respond...but I would rather not talk about that.  Anyway, he DID block me on his phone, but could still send e-mails.  He had said that he would never have Facebook, because he didn't like social media...well on November 5th, I decided to type his name in a & see.  Well he had a page.  Not much was on it.  A picture of him & that he lived in Colorado Springs....OH YEAH...and that he was in a relationship with this girl...I thought that was really fast to be in another relationship, but whatever...I looked at her page & there were pictures of him & her kids in the store, etc.  Well I looked more closely at his page to see WHEN they got into a relationship.  I figured it was August when he moved out.  It said March 3, 2014!~  WTF?!   How in the hell did he pull that one off & were the last two years a lie???  I was SO upset!!  I sent him an e-mail pretty much saying what I just said. He didn't answer me...I sent another e-mail & it bounced back..so he had blocked me.  He took down his Facebook page & any comments that he had made on her page...but not before I got copies of them.  Yes I know...I'm psycho.  Not really though.  He had blamed ME for not trying in our relationship, that he was the one that was trying...kinda hard to try when you're investing yourself elsewhere.  He never bought me anything..I bought him a few things here & there.  Yet I believe he sent her flowers in May.  Found this out the other day too, of course.  I sent him another e-mail asking WHY he would do this & HOW he could even think about doing this to me...the one that he was supposedly "completely" in love with & wanted to marry.  It went thru, so guess he unblocked me on e-mail.  I haven't said anything to him since & he hasn't said anything to me.  You would think that he would at least man up & tell me how stupid I had been for MONTHS if not YEARS.  I sent her a message as well telling her that I didn't know what he had been telling her, but that him & I had been in a relationship for a couple of years & he had been living with me.  She never wrote back, but noticed today that she took his pictures off of her page...whatever that means.  Yes I can be a vindictive bitch.  But the way he left...that was bad enough...but to be LYING to me the entire time & then blaming me???   I'm not just going to take that lying down.  I didn't deserve this kind of hurt.  Not from him.  I trusted him totally.  Believed that we were forever.  Didn't think we would ever be totally out of each others lives, even if we were just friends.  We talked or texted EVERY day for over 2 years...then he just walked away.  How can I even trust another guy again?  I look at it this way...from now on, I will just believe that everyone is lying until they prove otherwise.  It's a crappy way to live, but I've had enough of being hurt.  I think this was an even worse betrayal than when my ex husband left me.  I have had a few hard moments not e-mailing him....but what is there to say?  He doesn't want to tell me what was going on for all of those months...and I can't make him.  He is the one who fucked up & the one who has to deal with it.  I'm not such a bad person...he gave up something good for MAYBE something that he thought was better.  I have to move on.  I miss him every day.  I think about him constantly.  I wish I didn't.  I know that it will fade in time.  That I obsess about everything under the sun & then move on to something else to obsess about.  

I have gained a shit load of weight.  I have been afraid to get on the scale.  I had been in the 290's for awhile...after getting down from 350.  Well I have steadily been gaining weight.  As of today, I'm 321!!  WTF??  I said I would NEVER get up to this point again & yet here I am.  I knew that I had gained weight, because my jeans were tighter, my shirts didn't fit right...but didn't realize it would be THIS bad.  So now I have to lose 22 lbs just to get below 300 again.  So fucking depressing.  But i will.  I will watch the carbs, will exercise, will drink more water.  Because I sure as hell don't want to be THIS heavy or even heavier than this.    I'm totally discouraged.  I really didn't think I was eating that much.  I HAD stopped working out, so thought that had a lot to do with it.  But I'm constantly wanting to eat the past week or so.:(  If I could just stay away from cookies, chips, doughnuts, bread, etc. etc. then all would be good, right?  But then how miserable would I be?  It doesn't matter though... I HAVE to lose this weight.  It's just not an option to let myself get bigger.

I want to ask..do any of you believe in magic?  Seriously?  Do you believe in spells?  Let me know your thoughts.