Confusing life...

Well as far as my ex in concerned, he thinks that we are back together. He has situated himself in my life like nothing ever happened. It bugs the hell out of me. But who I am to hurt him, right? I tell him that I'm not ready to commit to him at this point in time. That upsets him, because he doesn't want me seeing anyone else. But that's not up to him. He texts all the time and wants to know why I don't text him back sometimes. If he texts "I love you' and I don't text it back, he wants to know why. He wants to know who I'm talking to, etc. God forbid I ever want to go out of town on my own now. If I do, I will just go and leave him a text!! Otherwise I feel guilty after he gets all upset and teary-eyed. Yes we're having sex....hate to admit that, but he's very persistent. Not like he ever took no for an answer before. No it's not that he rapes me or forces me, but he just does it. Does that even make sense?? I do love him and I don't want to lead him on. I keep telling him the way it is, but he just wants to see it his way. He wants his family back. He just has to realize that it's not that easy. Other guys show interest in me from time to time and I want to be able to go out and have fun. I don't want someone always looking over my shoulder. He comes over in the evenings and then stays until like 11...I tell him that he has to go because I'm tired and he says it's just because I want to talk to my "boyfriend." Whatever. I'm so stressed out about all of it. The depression is coming back and I don't feel like getting out of bed before like noon. I get the boys off to school in the mornings and then go back to bed. I just don't feel like dealing with all the craziness. I don't want to hurt him like he hurt me. Dumb, right?

As for the weight loss...I've been on BioSlim for over a month now and haven't lost anything, but haven't gained either. I've lost a few inches. I've started exercising more...at least walking and trying to drink more water, so hopefully that will help. One of my best friends is getting married in Vegas in July and I'm going for that. So I want to lose AT LEAST 20-30 lbs. before July 13th..when I would fly out. I don't want to have to worry about fitting in the seats on the plane. It would be mortifying not to be able to fit into one of their seats and be asked to leave the plane!!:( Ex wanted to know how many days I would be gone...I told him probably fly out the 13th, wedding is the 14th and come back the 15th or 16th. He wants me back the 15th. He seems to think that I have to ask him for permission like we're still together. Grrrrrr.....

Some nerve...

Where does he get the nerve to tell me who I can and can't talk to, write to, etc.?? Honestly, it's getting to be like it was before he left. Asking who I'm e-mailing, talking on the phone to...I understand he wants it all back...but it's just not that easy. I DO miss him and I like hanging out with him. BUT I'm also OK with where I am in my life right now. I lived with him for 12 years and have now lived with just my kids and I for he past 8 1/2 months...I can't imagine living with him again. Things change. Honestly, I can't see myself living with anyone else again.LOL I can clean my house, read, watch TV, go places, etc. when I want to. I don't have to ask permission or feel guilty doing the things that I like to do. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights and now instead of keeping the boys at his sisters' (where he lives), he brings them to the house. Which I don't have a problem with. What I have a problem with is if I have things laying around the house..he'll read whatever or even this computer. I don't mind him using it, but I have to delete the history or he will read this blog! He HAS to quit being so nosey. I'm kinda seeing this guy named Jayson..I may have told you already. Well he will text me sometimes when Dave is around and I will ignore it until later, but Dave always has some snide remark to make. At least I don't just keep texting with him right in front of Dave! He did that with me and the woman he left me for!! I don't even really know what to do about Jayson. I do love him, but he wants me to move in with him in Colorado Springs and I just don't see that happening. I have primary custody of the kids and I don't want them going to a city school. Besides that, Jayson couldn't live here in this small town either...well maybe if he had his own place...but he wants to live in the house with me. That wouldn't go over well at all. Dave pays the mortgage and I just feel that gives him some right to say who lives here. Am I wrong? I don't know. I figure that when the boys are older, then I can start doing things for myself...what I want to do, etc. For now, it's about them and I don't have a problem with that. That's the way it should be. I love my boys and will do my best to give them a happy life. I just hope I'm not messing it all up by not going right back to their dad.

Separated....

Well today made it "official." We are now legally separated...is that like purgatory? Not in Heaven or Hell? Not married, but not divorced either? Who knows. I just know that it's a sad thing. If we want a divorce, we now have to wait 6 months...a lot can change in those 6 months. He is a lot more upset about this than I am. I mean, I'm upset, but I guess I went thru the majority of the pain before when he first left and everything. Now he has to go thru it, I guess. Though he brought on this pain himself. I wouldn't have filed on my own. He was pushing it and so that's that. I'm going to start trying to find a relationship counselor tomorrow. I don't know if that will help us, but might as well try. The way things are now...he just annoys me some. He would move back in right now if I let him.

As for Jayson...I was supposed to go see him tomorrow...but I've been sick the past couple of days and don't feel like it would be any fun being there if I feel like crap. But, of course, he takes it personal. Says he must not be doing something "right." I'm like whatever. Plus my kids are all sick now and will be dealing with that for at least a couple of days. They come first and he says he understands that, but he sure as hell doesn't act like it at times. I think that I rushed into this relationship too fast. I'm pretty much in limbo right now where my personal life is concerned.

My grandmas' funeral was "nice" as far a funerals go. A lot of relatives that I haven't seen for a long time were there and it was awesome to see them! I hope that we can keep in touch more instead of just seeing each other at funerals. So depressing.

Weight is about the same. As crappy as I feel right now, I don't feel like eating anyhow.

OK...more to say

I thought that I was done talking for the day...but I'm just having a really hard time dealing with things. I have no motivation. My house is a mess and I just don't care. Well I care, but not enough to get off my fat ass to do anything about it. I'm negative a lot of the time. I don't LIKE being that way, but right now can't seem to "snap out" of it.

I have lost 21 lbs. since last August and a total of like 33 lbs down from my highest. I try to watch my carbs, but that's really hard for me to do....love Mt. Dew, bread, french fries, etc. So I'm not THAT strict about it. One of my friends started using a drink called "BioSlim" at the end of January and he's lost almost 50 lbs. You mix the powder with 8-10 oz of water, juice or skim milk before two of your meals a day. It doesn't taste bad at all..especially with the milk. I bought some and started it on April 2nd. A lot of people have amazing results right away, but in the pound department, I haven't done so great. Inches...I may have. I just started measuring myself a few days ago. My pants are looser and that is awesome. Last August..I couldn't buy jeans from Wal-Mart anymore. They didn't make them big enough..though they went to like a 52. I had to go to "the city" and go to a fat girl store. Now I can fit into a 50 from Wal-Mart and they are getting baggy. I can get a 48 over my hips, but not around totally yet. So I'm getting there...I just don't have a lot of patience. I was walking a lot during November, December and January. Now I have been LAZY. It's nicer out now and I need to get with it and walk some more. I need to quit making excuses not to do things. Depression can really kick your ass. Wish me luck.

Endings.....

My grandma died on the 7th.:( Her graveside services are tomorrow. She was 90 and was my dads' mom. I will miss her. I wasn't as close to her as I was to my other grandma, but I still have fond memories of her. I love her and it does hurt. I wasn't able to see her the day she died and that kind of upsets me now. I didn't realize the reason or find out the reason, until later. My aunt (her daughter) and her grandson was living with her at the time. The grandson is like 50, I believe or somewhere in there. Anyway, I had my 6 year old son, Matthew, with me. My aunt opened the door and she wasn't rude or anything, but she said that Matthew couldn't come in. I thought it was because she didn't want him to see grandma that way. So I said I would try to come back later. I wasn't able to and grandma died that night.:( I later found out that the reason Matthew couldn't go in, because my cousin (the grandson) was there and he's a registered sex offender. I knew this, but I'm pretty sure that my kids have been around him before when they were with me. I just think it sucks that he couldn't go in the other room for a few friggin' minutes. So I guess I am a little angry about that. Him and is brother molested me when I was little and I still have issues with that. At least they never raped me, but other things are bad as well. I have never confronted them about it and nobody knew for the longest time. Anyway!

I really hope that there IS a Heaven and that she's there now with my grandpa (he's been gone for 33 years) and my dad who has been gone for 9 years.

Then Dave and I have court on Thursday the 15th. We will then be legally separated. That makes me sad too. A LOT of things can change from one year to the next for sure.

Another day....

I told him on Easter that I just couldn't get past some things and he cried and knew that he had royally messed everything up. I don't know if we can get back to anything resembling a marriage, but he agreed to go to counseling if I find a counselor. So I guess that's something. I really don't know what to do anymore, but at least with the counseling, we can talk things out with someone on the "outside" of it all and see how it goes from there. If it doesn't work, at least we can't say we didn't try.

I had started seeing a guy in Colorado Springs (2 hours away) at the end of January...so this is a stressful situation. I think that the ex thought that I wouldn't ever find someone else? I don't know. But it seems like this all started after I started seeing Jayson. Jayson is a lot younger than I am, but he wants the relationship a lot. I've been down to see him a few times and he came up here one weekend....Dave (ex) was pissed about that. I know that even if we're not together, that he wouldn't let me have a relationship with another guy for any length of time. But I don't know how to let Jayson go either. I really like him and he feels the same about me. I don't want to hurt him, but that's what may happen in the end. It makes me sick to hurt people. Especially ones that I care about. I told Jayson that we could go slow and see how things are going with everything, but that I wasn't going to bring my kids around him right now. He says that I'm not putting enough effort into the relationship. It's a lot of pressure. I don't really know what to do. Just trying to work things out.

I had asked Dave in September if there was any possiblity that he would come back to me and he said "sorry, I don't think so." Said that we didn't have anything in common, that we were both unhappy, etc. I can't just forget those things. Plus the way he treated me...not calling or texting...unless it was about the kids...didn't want to talk about my feelings, money or anything like that. He pretty much told me that I needed to get over it and that I needed "help." Not only that, but the woman he was with..I saw some e-mails from him to her and he said that she was the "best thing that ever happened to him," that she was "the best friend I ever had." He's sorry that he said those things, of course, but the fact is he said them. He complained about me to her and that bothers the hell out of me too. I don't know what was all said and he won't tell me. I could contact her and be a bitch and she might be mad and hurt enough from him to tell me things, but I don't feel that's a good idea. Why bring up even more crap for me to deal with? I have never trusted anyone like I trusted him and he totally broke my heart and I doubt that I will ever totally be able to trust someone again and that pisses me off. My health hasn't been the best for awhile...especially when I'm under stress...so the past 8 months have kicked my butt. But where once I thought that he would be there for me when I was sick...now he SAYS he will, but I feel that me not feeling good is a burden and I just don't want to depend on him anymore. What a mess.

Crazy days

I haven't written in here for months once again..I sooo suck at this!LOL A lot has changed since I last wrote. In January, he was still planning on moving to Denver. We finished filing the last of the legal separation papers on Feb. 18th and found out how much child support would be and all. Around Feb. 20th..he had a "change of heart," knows he fucked up, missed me, etc. He said the finality of it all finally hit him. He broke up with her on the 25th of that month and has been trying to get me back since then. I thought it would be so easy to just take him back. Within the first 3 months of him leaving, I probably would have taken him back in a heartbeat. But why did it take him so damn long to come to this conclusion? Plus he treated me so cold and everything all those months. I can't get past all of that yet. Don't know if I ever can. So I'm just living day to day and trying to figure it all out. I will write more soon.