Another day....

I told him on Easter that I just couldn't get past some things and he cried and knew that he had royally messed everything up. I don't know if we can get back to anything resembling a marriage, but he agreed to go to counseling if I find a counselor. So I guess that's something. I really don't know what to do anymore, but at least with the counseling, we can talk things out with someone on the "outside" of it all and see how it goes from there. If it doesn't work, at least we can't say we didn't try.

I had started seeing a guy in Colorado Springs (2 hours away) at the end of January...so this is a stressful situation. I think that the ex thought that I wouldn't ever find someone else? I don't know. But it seems like this all started after I started seeing Jayson. Jayson is a lot younger than I am, but he wants the relationship a lot. I've been down to see him a few times and he came up here one weekend....Dave (ex) was pissed about that. I know that even if we're not together, that he wouldn't let me have a relationship with another guy for any length of time. But I don't know how to let Jayson go either. I really like him and he feels the same about me. I don't want to hurt him, but that's what may happen in the end. It makes me sick to hurt people. Especially ones that I care about. I told Jayson that we could go slow and see how things are going with everything, but that I wasn't going to bring my kids around him right now. He says that I'm not putting enough effort into the relationship. It's a lot of pressure. I don't really know what to do. Just trying to work things out.

I had asked Dave in September if there was any possiblity that he would come back to me and he said "sorry, I don't think so." Said that we didn't have anything in common, that we were both unhappy, etc. I can't just forget those things. Plus the way he treated me...not calling or texting...unless it was about the kids...didn't want to talk about my feelings, money or anything like that. He pretty much told me that I needed to get over it and that I needed "help." Not only that, but the woman he was with..I saw some e-mails from him to her and he said that she was the "best thing that ever happened to him," that she was "the best friend I ever had." He's sorry that he said those things, of course, but the fact is he said them. He complained about me to her and that bothers the hell out of me too. I don't know what was all said and he won't tell me. I could contact her and be a bitch and she might be mad and hurt enough from him to tell me things, but I don't feel that's a good idea. Why bring up even more crap for me to deal with? I have never trusted anyone like I trusted him and he totally broke my heart and I doubt that I will ever totally be able to trust someone again and that pisses me off. My health hasn't been the best for awhile...especially when I'm under stress...so the past 8 months have kicked my butt. But where once I thought that he would be there for me when I was sick...now he SAYS he will, but I feel that me not feeling good is a burden and I just don't want to depend on him anymore. What a mess.

Crazy days

I haven't written in here for months once again..I sooo suck at this!LOL A lot has changed since I last wrote. In January, he was still planning on moving to Denver. We finished filing the last of the legal separation papers on Feb. 18th and found out how much child support would be and all. Around Feb. 20th..he had a "change of heart," knows he fucked up, missed me, etc. He said the finality of it all finally hit him. He broke up with her on the 25th of that month and has been trying to get me back since then. I thought it would be so easy to just take him back. Within the first 3 months of him leaving, I probably would have taken him back in a heartbeat. But why did it take him so damn long to come to this conclusion? Plus he treated me so cold and everything all those months. I can't get past all of that yet. Don't know if I ever can. So I'm just living day to day and trying to figure it all out. I will write more soon.

Wednesday morning

Well, I don't feel as crazy as I did when I last wrote, which is probably a good thing!!!LOL He's going to Denver AGAIN this weekend...I so have to quit worrying about what he's doing or not doing. That's the hard part. Just "let it go." Not exactly sure how to do that yet, but I will figure it out eventually. I filed for legal separation yesterday. A hard thing to do. There is still a lot to do..parenting classes, probably mediation, etc. Won't be final until like the end of March or beginning of April. I know we'll have to have mediation, because we can't agree on the visitation for the kids...which Chrismtas's he gets them, etc. If it was up to me, he wouldn't have them for any length of time at all. Not because of him, but because of his girlfriend. I just don't think my kids need to be around her. Now instead of her moving down here, he's thinking again of moving to Denver!:( Sometimes, I just want to scream..."MAKE UP YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND!" I know that "God and the Universe" know how things are supposed to be and I just have to have faith that things are going the way they're supposed to. It's very hard for me to just "go with the flow."

I went to his sisters' for dinner the other day and he did a double take when I walked in the room and asked "how much weight have you lost? You can tell." Made my day for sure.:) I've been working at it even though some days I don't feel like doing anything much less exercise.

I've been on a couple of dates, but nothing serious. I was never good at dating before I was married and I sure as hell am not good at it now. But it takes my mind off of things for awhile.

Christmas was good. The kids had fun and got some nice things.:) They are doing well. Phillp goes back to school on the 6th after being expelled since September...he's nervous and so am I. I hope he'll be OK and that the kids won't be jerks. I will have to take him every morning now and walk in with him. That's so annoying. If you don't remember...he had taken an unloaded gun to school in September. But we will get thru this as well. Keep him in your prayers.

Anger....

I still have A LOT of anger...I thought that I was past that, but I'm sooo not. The 21st was a horrible day...started filling out papers for legal separation. Way too much paperwork and it may take me forever to finish it. Maybe it's because I don't want this...I don't want it to be soo final. Even Dave is sad about it. It doesn't matter, I know it's over. I'm just having a really hard time with it. I get so mad sometimes, I feel like my head is going to explode...would be very messy!!LOL I LOVE my kids with all of my heart, but I must admit that I'm suicidal and I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. I'm tired of dragging myself thru the days. It's a major effort to just get out of bed, take a shower and deal with the day. Christmas Eve, we would have been together for 13 years. I've made enough threats that if anything does happen to his girlfriend, I'm sure I'm the top suspect. I just need to chill. Easier said than done. I'm just so pissed off, hurt, sad, depressed. He took our oldest up to Denver with him last weekend. That was really hard for me. How am I supposed to deal with this? I know people do it every day, but they must be Super Humans or something. I just want to be able to find that medium, where I'm not always upset. Where I can handle all of this crap without crying all the time.

The weekend....

Well...the weekend didn't start out well at all. My mom and step-dad were getting married on Saturday (5th) and Dave KNEW this. I mean seriously. We had rehearsal for it on the Tuesday before...even though he wasn't there, the boys were. So then on Friday afternoon, he texts me that he was thinking about going to Denver on Saturday to see her!! I told him he was an asshole and he only thought about himself and Gracie. I couldn't believe that he was doing that to mom and Duke after they had loved him all these years too and had done so much for us. He immediately texted back and said he was sorry, that he had forgotten and that he would be at the wedding and he would go to Denver another weekend. By then, I was so pissed off anyhow, ya know? I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Of course, that's not possible since I have 3 kids with him, but it's hard having to act like it's all OK when it's not. So anyway...at least the wedding turned out really nice and everything went well.:) It was short and sweet for sure. They got married at the local Elk's Lodge since Duke is a member. Everyone had fun. Dave stayed at the reception for a little while and then left since he wasn't feeling well and I think he felt a little out of place as well. Everyone knows that he left me for someone else. I think that would be a little uncomfortable for him.

On Friday night, I got a text from a guy that lives in a town nearby. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and was surprised. He asked what I was doing Saturday night. So we ended up making plans to go see the movie "New Moon." His name is Rich and he's 27. I know...pretty young. We went to grab a bite to eat (McDonalds)LOL...not really hungty and then to the movie. I think he's a bit shy and he said it had been awhile since he had been out. I did put my hand on his leg and he eventually did the same to me. Also held hands a bit. Then he took me home. No good night kiss or anything.:( I thought maybe he just wasn't all that interested in me, but he texted me later and said the he just moves slower. I still thought that maybe there was a lack of attraction on his part, but he texted me again last night and we talked a bit. So who knows if this will go anywhere, but it would be cool if it did. He's a cutie.:) I think it's cool that he didn't just automatically expect sex. All the other guys that I have talked to or went out with these past months expect sex on the first date. It's sad when you get used to something like that as being "normal." I'm trying slow down as it is and have some self-respect. Yes, I like sex...but it's just been way out of control this whole year and I don't feel good about it. So we'll see.

It's been cold and gloomy here the past couple of days and we have gotten some snow. Yesterday, I didn't even get out of my pajamas...just soooo not in the mood. Today I'm forcing myself to get some things done, but it's been rough. I'm looking forward to better days for sure.

Hard time tonight....

Just having a hard time dealing with things tonight...depressed and just over it. Might lose the house and I just don't see Dave as doing anything about it. Maybe he is..I don't know. We don't talk that much about important things. He gets irritated with me when I bring up those kinds of things. I just feel like my life is out of control. Where will the boys and I move if we lose the house?? I don't want to lose the house, I don't want to be dealing with any of this, but it is what it is. Some days I'm OK and others I'm not. I felt like crap again today. I'm gonna head to bed...hope for a better day tomorrow.

Weight loss!!

I weighed in today and I'm down another 6 lbs!!! I'm shocked, because over the weekend, I didn't exercise at all or on Monday either...was sick and felt horrible. I felt better yesterday and went for a walk. I'm sooo happy!! I haven't been down this far in a loongg time! It gives me motivation to keep going and get this weight off.

Thanksgiving was nice. Went to the community dinner and then to my soon to be ex-sister-in-law's. It just felt the same as every year really. It was sooo nice out that my youngest Matthew and I went for a walk and I took him to the school to play on the playground. It was a nice day.

The next day they have what they call the "Parade of Lights" here...it was so nice that night...had a fun time. Dave went too, but he didn't stay that long...plus he was texting her while he was there, so I was like whatever. I just think it's disrespectful to do that when he's with me or we're together with the boys. Just annoying.

Had the wedding rehearsal for mom last night. Hopefully everything will go smoothly on Saturday as well! My middle son, Dominic (7) refuses to get his hair cut for the occasion..though he needs it badly.LOL He has nice hair and he's cute, but he should at least have his bangs cut some. I got Matthew's hair cut the other day and they cut it a little TOO short, but still looks cute.:) Much easier to deal with in the mornings for sure.

My niece Justine (16)...she is in teenage angst. About having to live with rules, about her boyfriend, about living with my mom and step-dad, etc. She'll be 17 next month...I told her that she can deal with it for another year and then she can get out in the "real" world and see it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'm just hoping she doesn't ruin the wedding. She's in the wedding party. At rehearsal last night...she was a pain in the butt.

I had a bad panic attack last night.:( It happens when I'm asleep..well I "snap" awake and already in one sometimes. I really felt that I couldn't breathe, was numb, etc. My chest even hurt. It's a scary thing and I hate it. It doesn't happen all the time, but often enough. I have sleep apnea and don't use my CPAP machine...it annoys me...but this is crazy. So some if it is that and some is the fact that I'm stressed out.

Hope everyone is having a good week!:)