I went to Jennifer's memorial service yesterday. It was really nice. She would've been surprised to see how many people showed up. There was a point where people could stand up & say a few things about her...I surprised myself by standing up! I said a few things about her & read a poem. I'm an introvert & don't feel comfortable talking in front of groups of people, but felt that I needed to do that. Jen was important to me. Her mom & sister flew in from Florida. I had never met them before. I wish that I would've me them under better circumstances. They are just totally a mess. It hurt to see them in so much pain. Her dad couldn't make it, because he's pretty sick. Jen was always worried about him. Jen's husband, Lyn, is totally lost. I don't think he'll remember much of yesterday. He's just going thru the motions. They were together for 15 years, I believe. Their 10th wedding anniversary would've been on September 30th. I will miss her. Still can't believe she's gone.
Mom has been having some health issues....who am I kidding...she's been having A LOT of health issues She has a a bad back for quite awhile now. She would get injections & all would be "good" for awhile. Well her back started really hurting her again around May 2014, but the doctor was a pain in the ass about it. She had an MRI done then & I took her out of town to see the doctor who usually gave her shots. This time, he said that he wouldn't do it unless she stopped smoking. Whatever. So she continues to be in back pain for another year. Finally, on July 27th, she was able to go to a doctor out of town & get a back injection. She was so relieved to be able to do that & was looking forward to not being in pain. Well guess life had other plans. About a week later, she is in horrible pain on her right side. Down her leg & her knee was absolutely killing her, so she thought she had done something to it. She had stayed in bed most of the time like she was told to do, so wasn't sure what the issue was. Mom has a high tolerance for pain, so when she's hurting, she's in some serious pain. Took her to her usual doctor & he was a dick. I don't know if he was having a bad day or what, but he was very condescending. I hate that crap. He said that he didn't think it was her knee, that he didn't know what was going on, etc. So we're about to leave & she told him that her foot hurt some too. He's like "Sue, is it your knee or your foot that hurts, you tell me one thing & then it's something else." Total ass. You don't talk to my mom like she's stupid. She's in pain! So later that week, she had talked to the doctor who had given her the back injection. He said that he would be willing to do another one, but he wanted a new MRI done, since her other one was over a year old. So we got that scheduled. She had that done on September 14th. Right away, they tell her that they want her to see a spine specialist in Denver ASAP because she had a "mass" in her back. Of course, I automatically think the worse. It's just who I am. Hope for the best but expect the worst. Also at this time, her other leg (left one) has swelled up, is hard & hot & huge. OK, that sounded inappropriate.LOL She also had this huge blister on the top of her left foot right below her toes. A bit of background...mom has had blood clots before...starting in her 30's, I believe. So she has been on blood thinners (Coumadin) for a lot of years. She had to take a high dose just to keep her blood from getting too thick. She takes 20 mg a day & 25 mg on Wednesdays. So she says it's not a blood clot, because her blood is so thin (they had checked it) & plus it wasn't hurting her at all like it had before. The doctor agreed. Said that there was no way it was a blood clot, but "just in case," they scheduled an ultrasound for September 22nd. So we get an appt in Denver for September 20th. I drive her there...I hate driving in cities...but we finally get to this huge hospital that's next to Children's Hospital. The whole thing is confusing. Finally get to the right building. They have free valet parking, so I did that. We were running late as it was & I wasn't going to waste time trying to find a parking space. We go in & have to go up the 4th floor. Well it's a longer walk than we thought it would be & mom is having a really hard time walking it (I got a wheelchair for her on the way down). We get up there & the doctor is AMAZING. She was totally cool & explained everything so that we could actually understand. The "mass" was not a tumor (Thank God), it was a badly herniated disk that probably herniated not too long after the shot. It's pressing on a couple of nerves. They could do one of two things. They could do another back injection & put it right into that area where it's herniated & see if that relieves the pain & if it doesn't she could have back surgery. There is always a risk of complications from that. Mom had said that she would never have back surgery, but she was actually considering it, so you know how much pain she's in. She decided to try the back injection first & see how that goes. So they said they would set it up with the doctor who gave her one in July. She also looked at mom's swollen leg & said that it looked horrible. We told her she was going to have an ultrasound on it in a couple of days & she thought it was a good idea. So we drive all the way back...we live about 3 hours from Denver. Mom is still in pain. They have her on Gabapentin for the nerve pain, plus they have her on a pain killer that's not even touching the pain basically. She hates taking it anyway. She has said that she doesn't want to live her life on pain killers. I don't blame her. So on the 22nd, I take her to the hospital for an ultrasound. She comes out & said she is supposed to go over the to the doctor's office ASAP. Yep, she has a blood clot behind her left knee. Thank God it hadn't broken free. She had had it for a couple of weeks at least & was walking around, getting in & out of the car, etc. The doctors are perplexed (I love that word!). She should NOT have a blood clot with the high dosage of Coumadin she is on. They can't give her a higher dose, because there is a chance that she would start bleeding in her brain or elsewhere in her body. He decides to take her off of Coumadin & puts her on Heparin. Which is a pain, because she has to give herself shots 2x a day. It's painful & leaves her bruised. He doesn't think that she can be on it for the rest of her life, but he is going to have to do some research. He also said that they could put a stent in her heart, so that if she did have a blood clot & it broke free, that would keep it from going to her heart, but he said he had read up on some about it & there isn't a guarantee that it would work & he doesn't want to do it if there's still that chance. Oh, PLUS she has an aneurysm in a vein in that same leg! He said absolutely NOT to any kind of back surgery, so that's off the table. She also can't get another injection until after she sees the vascular specialist (for the aneurysm) & a hematologist for her blood issue. They are looking for a blood disorder & to see what they can do to keep her from getting another clot. Well she hasn't heard anything back about the hematologist yet, but the vascular specialist's office called & said that he doesn't have an open appt until the end of October!! But that she would put "urgent" on it, so maybe he could see her a little sooner. I hope that he/she can. We need to get this resolved. I hate seeing her in so much pain all of the time. My niece & I even went to the "weed store" to buy her some cream that she could rub into her leg to see if that helped at all. Mom is against smoking weed 100%. Said she won't do it, though I think it would help her & ease the pain some. I don't smoke weed very often (it's legal here), but I have been considering doing it more just to de-stress. I don't know. Haven't decided yet. Anyway, mom agreed to try the cream. It works for about an hour maybe. I had never been into a weed store, so it was an experience.LOL My niece seems to be a pro at it though.
There has been so much that has happened in the past month & a half that I don't even know where to begin. I don't have a lot of time to write right now, but wanted to at least get some things out there.
One of my best friends, Jennifer died on September 17th of a heart attack in her sleep. She was only 34. I was at Bingo with her the night before & she seemed fine. I later learned that she couldh't sleep that night & at around 6:00am, her husband told her to go lay down & rest for awhile. She also texted another one of her friends around that time. He went to check on her at 7:00am & she was already gone.:( Just like that. She was this wonderful, amazing person who should still be in this world & I'm pissed off that she's not. She had an amazing voice & would always be singing, sometime under her breath...don't even think she knew she was doing it at times. I told her that she should go on "American Idol." She told me that she wouldn't embarrass herself like that. She had the voice for it, but she was overweight & society looks down on that. I'm not sure what really caused the heart attack...maybe it was inevitable...the whole "it's just your time" thing. But not long before she died, she had started that new diet program "Thrive." She was so excited about it. She was a cashier at Wal Mart & when I went in there one day, she was telling me how great she felt, that she had so much energy & she wasn't hungry. That she had lost like 10 lbs in 2 weeks. She wanted me to try it, but I just hadn't yet. Wasn't really interested in trying it. I have been on so many diets & none work, so I was just like "whatever." After she died, I wondered if that had anything to do with it. There are a few stimulants in the pills that you have tot take. Synephrine {sp?} is one of them. I don't even know if it says what's in it on the bottle, but I looked it up on-line. It says that it raises blood pressure, heart rate & can cause heart attacks, especially in someone who has an underlying condition. Well not everyone knows if they have an underlying condition. I don't know if she had one or not. But here are other stimulants in there as well, plus if she had been drinking drinks that had caffeine in them as well {I don't know if she was or not} that would make things even worse. I guess we will never know what really caused it. They did an autopsy & that was the final ruling. She & her husband would have celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. They had been together for 14 years, I believe. They met on-line. She was from Florida. I have known her husband since we were kids. When she first came out here to meet him & then to live here, I was pregnant with my middle son & working at McDonald's. She started working there as well & we were instantly friends. Even though I'm a lot older than she is. I turned 46 at the end of August. So weird to be this old. I would forget that she was so much younger than me. Her husband is a couple of years younger than me, I think. She was so full of life. She was loud.LOL You could definitely hear her when you walked into a place where she was. She had a great laugh, always looked on the bright side. They didn't have any kids. I couldn't imagine her as a mom. She just wasn't that type of person to run after a kid. Both her & her husband worked hard, but never seemed to be able to just relax & get ahead. She worked at a few different jobs. Most recently as a manger at Subway. Which I think she liked, but it was a stressful job. She started working at Wal Mart a month or so ago & loved it. She liked that she wasn't in charge, I think. Though she had that personality to BE in charge. I asked her the night before she died how work was going & she said "relaxing." She was happy. She totally loved her husband more than anything. Even after all the years that they were together, she was still as in love as she was at the beginning & he was too. I have talked to him briefly since she died & as you can imagine, he is lost. I don't think he'll ever get over losing Jen. She was also really close to her mother-in-law. I'm sure she is just as lost. She would come to Bingo with her & was always with her. I haven't gone out to see them yet. I'm sure they have enough going on as it is. They are having a memorial service for her tomorrow afternoon. I expect there to be a lot of people. I don't think she knew how many lives she touched. She gave everyone a chance, the benefit of the doubt, even though most people didn't give her a chance. When you're overweight, you're overlooked a lot. I know this & so did she. But she was the friendliest person that you could ever meet. Talking to everyone like she had known them for years. She was loud, funny, caring, hard working, loyal. Any words that I may put here don't do her justice. You had to have known her. But now she's gone forever. I still have really accepted that yet. That I will never see her again or hear her voice. I keep asking her for a sign that she's OK. But haven't gotten any yet. Maybe there isn't anything after we die. I know that you're supposed to have faith & I try. I have always believed that there was something after death, but I want to KNOW that my loved one are OK. I want to know that they still exist. I don't know who to be mad at. God, the Universe, Fate. I just don't know. She was cremated & part of her will be sent back to Florida to her parents & sister & the other part will stay here with her husband. I can't even imagine what her parents & sister are going through. They hadn't seen her for awhile, because she couldn't afford to go down there. I'm just sad.
I will write more soon.
