Not too bad...

I have been taking exercise a bit more seriously now. I have been taking BioSlim since April 2nd and it really helps with the whole appetite thing. BUT I really haven't been exercising...yes have been very lazy. But the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to walk for at least 20 minutes a day (hey it's a start!!)LOL Well starting on the 20th, I have been going for AT LEAST 25 minutes and have gotten up to 45 minutes a day or two even. Believe me, that's an accomplishment for me. Now I just have to be a LITTLE better about what I eat and it'll all be good. My downfall is Mt. Dew, but have cut back on it some. At my heaviest, I was about 350. Now I'm 316 on the doctor's scale...but on MY scale, I'm 311 and I like that MUCH better!!:) I'm hoping to be below 300 on the doctors' scale by the middle of June and then will go from there. One of my best friends is getting married in Vegas in July and I'm flying out for it!:) I'm soo excited!! BUT I worry about not being able to fit into the airplane seats and being escorted off the plane, because I'm too damn fat! Would that be embarrassing or what?? Plus I want to be able to wear some nice clothes out there. Not sure how much I would like to weigh by then...maybe at least be down to 285? We shall see. Tomorrow I start eating not so much and drinking A LOT more water.

A point has been made....

OK, one of my readers HAS made a valid point. How can I expect Dave to be faithful and monogamous, when I'm not? I have explained this to him numerous times...that I don't know if I can be faithful or even want to at this point. I DO love him, make no mistake about that, but there are exciting things to do out there and cool people to meet, that you can't do or meet if you are tied down. If I KNEW for sure that I could be with just Dave again for the long haul, then I would do that in a heartbeat. But I just don't know anymore. He says he won't give up..which is up to him. But while he's not giving up, I have to live my life and figure out what I want to do and what is best for my kids. Yes having their dad around all the time would be great for them...but if he decides AGAIN he wants to leave...then that will hurt them even more. Am I willing to take that chance? Not really. I have never brought any guys around my kids and I don't plan on doing that any time in the near future. I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself, but HE'S the one that left ME...not the other way around. He can't just expect to come back and everything be great, just because HE has decided that that's what he wants NOW. I have never been truly on my own and now I'm just going with the flow. If and when I decide to get back with Dave for the long haul, then I will let you know. Until then, I will keep blogging, knowing that some of the things that I say and do won't make everyone happy. But then again, I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy. As long as my kids are OK and all, then I should be trying to make MYSELF happy.

On a brighter note...Matthew graduated from Kindergarten last night!!:) Very hard to believe. He looked very cute and did really well.:) A lot of people there and very warm!!! But everyone had a good time. Today is the last day of school for the older two! The year has gone by fast.

The weekend went OK as well. The boys had fun bowling and we had a nice time as a family. Played miniature golf, went swimming..it was nice. I have sucked at my diet and need to get back on track. I weigh tomorrow...so we shall see.

Hope everyone is having a great week!:)

I'm an idiot!!!

OK, maybe that's a little strong...but I feel like one. But I have good news first!!:) I have lost 6 lbs...for a total of 25 lbs since I started trying last August!! I could have lost A LOT more, but I haven't been consistent.:( I've started walking again and trying to drink more water instead of Mt. Dew. I still have a long ways to go, but I'll get there.

Not for the sucky news. OK, now some people may see me as "snoopy" but really I'm not. If the opportunity presents itself....OK, my ex...Dave...has been trying to get me back since February as some of you know. He broke up with the "other woman" in February and said he would have nothing more to do with her...no contact of any kind. I told him that was "mandatory" if we even had a slight chance of getting back together. He has been asking who I'm talking to etc, and bugging the hell out of me about it basically. Making me feel guilty for wanting to spend some time with Jayson. Anyway...I had asked him numerous times if he had heard from her...if he had been texting her or anything and he said that she sends him forwards sometimes, but that he never responds. So I basically took him at his word. I would ask him if he missed her at all and he would say no. OK that's all well and good. Today I was at my sister-in-law's (where he lives). He was at work and I was there, because my youngest son wanted to play the X-Box. So I decided to get on her computer...which I never do anymore, but wanted to get on Facebook and all for a bit. I went to yahoo to check my mail and HIS page came up. Well, I HAD to know. I really thought that I wouldn't find anything. Well he e-mailed her on April 25th saying that he was sorry for being such an ass, sorry that he hadn't answered her texts, that there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about her, that he misses her and that she will always be in his heart!! WTF?????!!!! Of course, I copied the damn things. Oh, she had sent him a few back saying that she was SOOO happy to hear from him, because she had a big hole in her life (amongst other places I'm sure) because she had lost her best friend...poor, poor ho. Yes, I know I'm not being nice. Telling him that he shouldn't trade his happiness just to make the kids happy, etc. Saying that she wouldn't tell me anything that they were talking again...so he HAD to have asked her not to. Well now he's a mess. Saying he's sorry, that he knows he fucked up again, that he will have NO MORE contact with her at all. He said it didn't mean anything, that it was just a "friend" thing. He just doesn't get it!! This is the woman he left me for! He can't be friends with her!!! So I told him that he blew it big this time, that he needs to stay away from me, that it's OVER. Well he won't accept that. He cried and begged. I was proud of myself for being "cold." I DO love him, but how many times can he break my heart? This was a trial period to see if I could trust him again. I was going to give him 6 months to prove to me that he could be trusted and he blows it in 2 1/2?? He says that he loves ME, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he wants it the way it was. The thing is, we had been getting along so well. Playing Yahtzee like we used to, going for walks, laughing etc. Yet he was going to continue to lie to me! If I wouldn't have found those e-mails, he would never have told me he was still talking to her. I would have went on my merry way thinking everything was great, while she was laughing behind my back! It pisses me off sooo bad!!! Another bad thing (well there are a couple)...is the boys have a bowling tournament in Colorado Springs this weekend. We're leaving in the morning and coming back on Monday. Dave and I were getting along, so we're driving down together and already have a room with the boys!!! Holy crap!! How much can I take?? So now have to act happy for the boys' sake and I WILL do that. I told Dave after this weekend, he needs to back off. That I won't answer his phone calls, texts, etc. That if she is worth losing everything over, then go for it. I told him that while we are in Colorado Spgs. that one kid can sleep with me and the other with him and one on the rollaway bed.

OK, here is more...don't know if I mentioned it before or not. My middle sister and I have always been pretty close. I love her dearly. She knows how much Dave hurt me, etc. I talked to her about it! I found out last week that they have been texting each other (so supposedly he can get me back and maybe she has some advice on how to do that). Do I think they'll hook up...probably not, but that's NOT the point. I see it as a betrayal. It was behind my back. I had no clue. Well today I sent her a text and wasn't very nice. I apologized and said I was just upset with Dave and told her what he did. She tells me that she's not going to argue about it, because he's her friend too!!!! WHATEVER!!! So needless to say, I won't be talking to her anytime soon. I thought I was past this drama, but obviously not. I'm hurt and I'm pissed off.

Men are difficult

OK, maybe not ALL men, but the ones in my life are. The 22 year old that I have been "kinda" seeing since the end of January...well he lives 2 hours from me. We haven't seen each other since the end of March. Life has just been crazy and then, of course, my ex makes me feel guilty for even talking to the guy. Anyway, Jayson
(22 year old) texts me every day or calls me...without fail. I'll admit that sometimes, he is really insecure and that annoys me. We have our issues. I'm insecure at times too though, so I can understand it. He was living with his parents, but is now living with roommates. Now that he is, things have changed some..he doesn't text as much or call as much. If he does, he's contantly talking to the guys in the background. This from a guy who wants me to marry him, for me and the boys to move in with him!! So anyway, what I'm getting at, is he went out last night and I don't have a problem with that. He smokes weed and all but last night him and his friends went to the bar and drank too. He said he would text or call when he got home. He didn't. So I texted him at like 4 this morning and he called me and said he was sorry, that he just went home and crashed. So I texted him a few times today and NOTHING. It was sooo unlike him to not even answer the texts or anything. So, me being me, expected the worst. He finally calls at like 10 tonight and says that he's sorry that his phone was dead and he didn't have the charger with him. I just asked if he was lying and he got pissed off and I told him to get rid of the attitude. He told me to quit telling him what to do, that I'm not his mother, etc. Yet he feels that he can talk to me any way he wants. He would've been pissed off too if it was the other way around. So he told me to call him and I tried and he didn't answer. Texts me and says his phone is being weird and it's not letting him get the calls and he can't call out. OK, whatever. I know that this won't work in the long run, but I really do care about him and don't want him out of my life.

As for the ex...it's like I've fallen back into my old life and I'm not too happy about it.:( Yes I love him, but where I was sure that we were meant to be together before, I'm not so sure now. There are other guys out there that I may want to see. That's why I can't commit fully to anyone. Maybe I can't ever again? I have no idea. I was faithful to ex for over 11 years. I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Confusing life...

Well as far as my ex in concerned, he thinks that we are back together. He has situated himself in my life like nothing ever happened. It bugs the hell out of me. But who I am to hurt him, right? I tell him that I'm not ready to commit to him at this point in time. That upsets him, because he doesn't want me seeing anyone else. But that's not up to him. He texts all the time and wants to know why I don't text him back sometimes. If he texts "I love you' and I don't text it back, he wants to know why. He wants to know who I'm talking to, etc. God forbid I ever want to go out of town on my own now. If I do, I will just go and leave him a text!! Otherwise I feel guilty after he gets all upset and teary-eyed. Yes we're having sex....hate to admit that, but he's very persistent. Not like he ever took no for an answer before. No it's not that he rapes me or forces me, but he just does it. Does that even make sense?? I do love him and I don't want to lead him on. I keep telling him the way it is, but he just wants to see it his way. He wants his family back. He just has to realize that it's not that easy. Other guys show interest in me from time to time and I want to be able to go out and have fun. I don't want someone always looking over my shoulder. He comes over in the evenings and then stays until like 11...I tell him that he has to go because I'm tired and he says it's just because I want to talk to my "boyfriend." Whatever. I'm so stressed out about all of it. The depression is coming back and I don't feel like getting out of bed before like noon. I get the boys off to school in the mornings and then go back to bed. I just don't feel like dealing with all the craziness. I don't want to hurt him like he hurt me. Dumb, right?

As for the weight loss...I've been on BioSlim for over a month now and haven't lost anything, but haven't gained either. I've lost a few inches. I've started exercising more...at least walking and trying to drink more water, so hopefully that will help. One of my best friends is getting married in Vegas in July and I'm going for that. So I want to lose AT LEAST 20-30 lbs. before July 13th..when I would fly out. I don't want to have to worry about fitting in the seats on the plane. It would be mortifying not to be able to fit into one of their seats and be asked to leave the plane!!:( Ex wanted to know how many days I would be gone...I told him probably fly out the 13th, wedding is the 14th and come back the 15th or 16th. He wants me back the 15th. He seems to think that I have to ask him for permission like we're still together. Grrrrrr.....